Was it Something I Did?

Here is a demo of the song with the OLD lyrics and a demo vocal which is much off in places. But at least it shows what the intention of the song is musically.

Was it Something I Did?

© 2012 Rick Dieffenbach

This will be a slowish, introspective song. Are there any part of the lyrics below that stick out odd? Appreciate it!

V1: Looked in the mirror

a face stared back at me

Who could that be?

V2: Someone familiar

Looking from the past

I thought would last

======================

CHORUS:

Where did this man go...

I used to know

Was it something I did?

When did the sun shine?

Was it really mine?

Or was it something I did? D em

====================

V3: Wrote you a letter

Hoping you might reply

so I could know why

V4: Came back with the stamp,

"Address unknown,"

though it was my own.

CHORUS:

Bridge

I always thought that time was kind

Instead it redefines you

Who you are

Who you were

V5: Draw me a picture

Make it sharp and clear

and leave out the years

CHORUS/FADE

It's an interesting topic. I like it.

Yeah, there are a couple of things that stick out a ittle.

One thing about these two verses:

V1: Looked in the mirror

a face stared back at me

Who could that be?

V2: Someone familiar

Whose eyes from my own past

I thought would last

"My own past" sounds writerly, rather than conversational. I get that you're working with the same number of syllables as in the 1st verse, but the 2nd line sounds forced, and the 3rd is unclear. How do eyes from the past "last?" What does that mean?

Maybe:

That face looks strange,

more than thirty years on.

Where has it gone?

Also the bit about the letter is a bit awkward and unclear. Why do you need a map? I get that the character wants to know what's happened to him, but he doesn't need a map for that, he needs to know how and why it's happened.

V3: Wrote you a letter

Hoping you might reply

so I could know why

V4: Came back with the stamp,

"Address unknown,"

though it was my own.

LCK

I'd have to say the main issue with the lyrics is the lack of clarity with regards to meaning. I feel as though the bridge summarized the song in such a way that I feel the chorus should.

I got that's it's about a guy looking in the mirror and being reflective as to who he is now; it took me a while to confirm this for certain. It fails to encapsulate any thing emotional. I also don't think saying 'Was it something I did?' quite makes sense in the context and, along with the whole song, would need some clarification.

I'm actually liking the way the bridge and the chorus are working together.

This I really like....

Draw me a picture

Make it sharp and clear

and leave out the years

Thank you especially LCK they were great suggestions. I revised my lyrics. LordBTY - appreciate the listen and I'll be sensitiev to people's reactions to the lyrics when they hear them with the music. If I sense there is a problem I will revise further.

Leonard - thanks for letting me know what your fav verse was - it is mine too.

Rick

You're welcome, as always, Rick.

LCK

I'm not 100 percent convinced on the chorus lyrically - love the recording by the way

im not saying this is better but I think maybe keeping a similar rhyme scheme may make in to more of a chorus

When did the grass grow

was it summers glow

or was it something i did

Where did this man go...

I used to know

Was it something I did?

Stick - In looking at your chorus and mine, I see what you are saying. The sunshine bit in my version doesn't add to the story line at all. Kinda like filler. But I see something like what you have suggested does add to the story line.

I will rethink the chorus! Thanks!!!

Rick

This is terrific Rick. The musical mood and the lyric are a perfect match.

I agree with Stick's comment and would also add that although the Bridge lyric is fine, it is musically flabby compared with the rest of the song. I think it needs tightening up melodically.

Also you sing the word 'really' particularly quickly. Everything else is slow and deliberate. So I suggest you lengthen it and sing it, 'reeeaally'

But these are just details - I think you've written something above your own average. I like.

Thanks OldGit - agree on the bridge. It is my intention to replace that with a different melody. And I'll keep an eye out for "really" when I redo the vocals.

'appreciate it!

Rick

I think you and Stickboy just identified the one remaining part of the lyric that needs work. The first half of the chorus is great, IMHO, but the second half doesn't make much sense.

A couple of things with the music are bugging me. The song seems to have a slow, plodding feel. I know you want it to sound introspective, but as it is now, I find myself losing interest part way through. Here are a couple of thoughts:

- Right now you have about a 2-bar musical space between the first and second lyric lines of each verse. To my ears, that makes the song sound as if it is stalling out. Try cutting that to a half-bar space. The space between the second and third lines sounds o.k. to me.

- The minor key is a bit too much of a downer for me. I get that the protagonist is saddened at the loss of his youth, but the heavy minor tonality really starts to wear on me after a while. I noticed that you went to the relative major for the chorus. What if you flipped that around and used the major key for the verses and the relative minor for the chorus? Or maybe keep everything in the major key, but pick a few spots to resolve to the vi instead of the I? I don't know; I haven't actually tried any of that, so maybe it wouldn't sound right. I'm just tossing out ideas to see if any of them lighten up the sound a bit.

Sorry if that sounds too critical. I don't mean to be harsh; I'm just letting you know how it comes across to my ears.

Monkey,

You aren't harsh. You are trying to hand me the keys to better music writing.

I know I tend to put too long a pause sometime between things, I will look at that to see if I can tighten it up. One thing though, I am not done layering accompaniment which might effectively help this. But I will be on the look out for dragging pauses.

Not sure about changing the minor to major, I wanted a downer in the verses, a sort of gentle sadness. Good thought tho.

'appreciate the comments and will definately be looking at the dragging/measure pause issue.

Thanks!

Rick

I agree with both sentiments: the track and the upgraded chorus.

LCK