Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 Hey Rhino, got any solo guitar songs hanging around?!?!??! True story, I've then written this with the found material, otherwise known as "from the horse's mouth", words of a friend, and her photo of the sad little house way north of Toronto. I did post a less developed version a couple years back. I'd love some input on any outstanding warts, unsightly blemishes or repairable yet god-given shortcomings before working up a melody... ideas? *Updating here as I go V1She sleeps on a makeshift bedFastened to the wallPretends it's her pirate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 A couple of thoughts V1She sleeps on a makeshift bedFastened to the wall Like a ship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 Good stuff, Rick. I get the "down home imagery" comment. The pirates beds, this is true and in my mind an image of a kid playing their way out of misery. "That's not an old door, that's pirates bunk!" But the image might distract and pull away? It might. I liked the idea of her playing make believe but that might not be clear of more to the point, it might distract? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 I recall liking this before and I know I like it now. Got nothing else until hearing it, though I didn't fully grasp the ship's bunk imagery because I've never been on a boat other than my honeymoon cruise. Context makes it pretty clear that it isn't a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Good stuff, Rick.I get the "down home imagery" comment. The pirates beds, this is true and in my mind an image of a kid playing their way out of misery. "That's not an old door, that's pirates bunk!" But the image might distract and pull away? It might. I liked the idea of her playing make believe but that might not be clear of more to the point, it might distract? The bunk nautical thing did distract me. Like a plot point in a story that was never referenced. It may be that I retired from the Navy so I am programmed to think certain things about bunks. If you want to reference a play scenario for the bunk, I think it needs to be slightly more explicit, e.g, Fastened to the wallLike a ship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 She sleeps on a makeshift bedFastened to the wallA pretend pirate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 I like that more, but let's see how the real wordsmiths feel about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Me likes it. It adds a bit of kids play, and a bit of sadness for her plight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 This is great. With regards to the naval imagery... I can see it being distracting only using it once at the beginning... I can also seeing it being the cornerstone of the song if you bring it back at the end. I think what you have have in chorus 3 rings true, mamma blaming daddy and daddy blaming the government, but I'd like to see you work that naval imagery back in chorus 3. When I think naval, I think pirates... rum drinks with umbrellas, not freezing cold. Plus a boat could represent movement. She's transporting her way out of the freezing house with her imagination now, but one day she'll do it for real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 I'm normally on board with Ryan, but I'm not seeing how the naval imagery is either strong or relevent enough to be a crux. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 This is great. With regards to the naval imagery... I can see it being distracting only using it once at the beginning... I can also seeing it being the cornerstone of the song if you bring it back at the end. I think what you have have in chorus 3 rings true, mamma blaming daddy and daddy blaming the government, but I'd like to see you work that naval imagery back in chorus 3. When I think naval, I think pirates... rum drinks with umbrellas, not freezing cold. Plus a boat could represent movement. She's transporting her way out of the freezing house with her imagination now, but one day she'll do it for real. That's interesting. But I don't know... but... this is interesing. Got any guitar recordings?!??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 I recall liking this before and I know I like it now. Got nothing else until hearing it, though I didn't fully grasp the ship's bunk imagery because I've never been on a boat other than my honeymoon cruise. Context makes it pretty clear that it isn't a good thing. Call me old-fashioned, but I think the pirate thing would work better with a boy as a protagonist. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 [V3Keep your feet under the covers girlCan someone please light the fireHold your toes tightly curled To keep them warm a whileHow about:Watch your breath as it leaves your mouth shivers to keep you warm for a while I like the keeping her toes curled. Anyone else? She's asking to have the fire lit. She's complaining of cold feet, someone reminds her to put them under the covers and... for good measure, curl them up if they're cold. They can't afford to light the fire. I like that. No? And btw, we're talking about internal temps of 10 degrees apparently. No money, no heat, no fire. Crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 Call me old-fashioned, but I think the pirate thing would work better with a boy as a protagonist. LCK That's the issue with true stories. I've got to decide if the truth is distracting. "She" is a 65 year old lady from north of Toronto. My bud. And she did pretend her bed was a ship's bunk. I did think of incorporating a brother that she's playing with. Hmmm... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 I like the keeping her toes curled. Anyone else? She's asking to have the fire lit. She's complaining of cold feet, someone reminds her to put them under the covers and... for good measure, curl them up if they're cold. They can't afford to light the fire.I like that. No? And btw, we're talking about internal temps of 10 degrees apparently. No money, no heat, no fire. Crazy. Toes curled can stay as far as I'm concerned. I thought the fact that it was relatively pointless was the point. It definitely drove deeper the level of despair for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 That's interesting. But I don't know... but... this is interesing. Got any guitar recordings?!??? lots and lots :poke: Just not the ones you're looking for... but soon. I got the parts together. At this point I'm waiting on the gear to show up to record them. Although I could send you just about anything and you could make it work The more I've listened to that phase 2 youtube, I really like that guitar feeling like it is sequenced which is very out of character for me. But back on topic. To clear up my crux comment further. It's like a metaphor, man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Maybe it's from my hours spent with the Wiggles and my daughter, but I find a girl pirate perfectly reasonable, even compelling.Toes curled can stay as far as I'm concerned. I thought the fact that it was relatively pointless was the point. It definitely drove deeper the level of despair for me. In this case, listen to Justin, particularly since he has a daughter. That trumps my point completely. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 Maybe it's from my hours spent with the Wiggles and my daughter, but I find a girl pirate perfectly reasonable, even compelling.Toes curled can stay as far as I'm concerned. I thought the fact that it was relatively pointless was the point. It definitely drove deeper the level of despair for me. My 5 year old daughter currently wants to be one of the 3 musketeers or a ghost buster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 lots and lots :poke: Just not the ones you're looking for... but soon. I got the parts together. At this point I'm waiting on the gear to show up to record them. Although I could send you just about anything and you could make it work The more I've listened to that phase 2 youtube, I really like that guitar feeling like it is sequenced which is very out of character for me. But back on topic. To clear up my crux comment further. It's like a metaphor, man. No! I was actaully asking if you have any guitar things that'd work for this! Like how you magically pulled the other out and it worked so well. That was amazing. Just begging, that's all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 No! I was actaully asking if you have any guitar things that'd work for this! Like how you magically pulled the other out and it worked so well. That was amazing. Just begging, that's all. oh... lol.... umm... ... maybe... let me finish what I already owe you first. Last weekend I put together a wedding band for my wife's best friend and we did most of The King is Dead by The Decemberists. Reading this one brought track 4, Rox in the Box, to my head. Am with a capo on 2, strum happy with an accordion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 strum happy with an accordion, hell yeah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 30, 2012 Members Share Posted May 30, 2012 [video=youtube;-Waz7PMZHeg] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 30, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 30, 2012 Great directon! Thank you. I'm going to try to lift some of that without lifting anything. Cool... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted May 31, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted May 31, 2012 OK... so last night after work I went home, picked up a guitar and started putting a melody to this and... yuck. Nothing of any worth. So I started playing with some cool hand drum grooves instead and came up with an interesting feel but... that melody... nothing. Then, just now before lunch, I printed my latest edit of the lyric and went and had a sandwich. Singing, sitting in my car waiting for the sammy shop to open... *bing* No guitar. No piano. It just works better for me this way. The phrasing starts getting worked out and the melody just starts coming and an hour later I'm calling myself and singing into my voicemail. I love when that happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted May 31, 2012 Members Share Posted May 31, 2012 POST IT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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