Bedroom Lies

Any and all comments appreciated!

Bedroom Lies

I'm not feeling this one, Rick. Sorry. Normally I'd just ignore it and let it wither on its own. I should probably do that, but you said all comments appreciated, so here goes...

The first verse? It sounds like it should be about something, or what you might say to someone, but it doesn't. It sounds like words put together just to make up a lyric.

For instance, what does "Nearly dropped the ball" mean? I mean, you're giving us all these supposed things that make you distrust this person, but they're all kind of vague. We have no idea what actually happened between you, and we have no reason to care.

And the chorus is just way too rhyme-ey. Lies and alibis in the same line? Okay, yes, it's been done a million times, but it's still not terrible. But then you pile on rhyme after rhyme without letting us in on what the real story is or was. Don't give us rhymes just to give us rhymes. Give us the dirt, give us the juice, give us the STORY! If the rhymes help you do that, great! If not, drop them!

This kind of accusatory song is a good, solid kind of song to write. To wit:

"You've got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend.
When I was down you just stood there grinning.
You've got a lot of nerve to say you've got a hand to lend.
You just want to be on the side that's winning."

There the singer is telling us what this person did to piss him off. Your lyric doesn't get into specifics. It's vague, and as a result, it's not engaging or memorable.

It's good as an exercise in songwriting, but if I were you I'd rethink the lyric by about 90 - 95%.

Sorry.

I liked it. Though the verses are stronger than the chorus. The payoff in the chorus isn't as big as I was looking for. Bedroom lies comes out of no where. It's meant to be the summation; the conclusion. But you haven't said anything about the intimacy of the relationship that puts the listener in the bedroom. And you haven't clued us into any of the lies yet. Your conclusion is not proven, councilor.

The lyric has a desultory feel to it. The verses and chorus and bridge are generally thematically unconnected. Some of the lines within each stanza feel unconnected.

If you ask yourself the lyricist's question, "If I took that line out, would it make a difference to the narrative?" - there are quite a few of them that aren't doing much.
The song title is 'Bedroom Lies', but the lyric doesn't play to the title.....

LCK was a bit harsh saying that you might reconsider 90 -95% of the lyric, I think maybe it's only 85 - 90%..........
I'll understand if you don't ever speak to me again.....

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger".

Bring it on! I want to write better songs. Thank you for your directness. It is appreciated. I take no offense.

I haven't dug into the lyrics yet but musically and melody wise I like it so keep working it up.... the song is halfway there.

I'm digging the music. I really like the slight change-up in the verse.

The 'worn out disguise' piece sounds too crammed... too many words.

With LCK and OGP giving you lyric advice, I'll just sit back and watch.

I'm really liking how it starts out.

VERSE:
Well, it cost me a lot
to live with you for "free"
Nearly lost my soul

I think though... where the song falls short for me is the chorus. It is made up of stock words and phrases. Lies, alibis, disguise. The first verse, I'm with you. Who is this bitch?!?!? But the chorus hits and I'm reminded it's really just a song. Using song words. I don't think Bedroom Lies is a strong enough, believable enough title to write to. I could be way wrong though.

I just wanted to reply in mass to most of the comments - the phoenix will rise again. This was the first real attempt to cowrite a song with my songwriting partner Jeanne,and we are still figuring out how to do that. She and I have agreed to go back to the wood shed where we will start anew on this song.

Also, I am unhappy with the chorus music/medlody so will be looking for something new there too.

I greatly greatly appreciate the frankness and directness of all. Really. Thank you.

Richard

I like the first verse alot. The last line of it isn't quite there.

Scanning the other comments Lee Knight hit it. Dropping off my key is great.


The rest of the lyric could also use work