Simple, direct, folksy song...

Got 2 verses of this, to a very simple chord run. I'll post some sort of recording probably next week.

I'm posting here because I can't figure out if it's too cheesy or cornball or earnest so please do tell your initial impressions! No name for it yet and even these verses need editing:-

That's it for now. It's one of those songs that's been slow in it's writing - not at all instant, even if it seems that way.

All impressions appreciated

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I think the first two stanzas could be really killer with a really confectionery pop (early Beatles?/Brit invasion in terms of poppiness/catchyness if not actual style) kind of feel. However, the third stanza feels like it's not there yet; like the songwriting momentum temporarily ran out of steam there; it doesn't have the simple, classic coherence of the first two, with their tumble of short, rhymed up phrases.

I think we, the audience, still need to hear more (at the third stanza) about the singer and his relationship to his inamorata... he wants her back... but before he starts talking about the future, I kind of feel like we the audience need to know about the past, at least in the form of some hints. We may need to find out where they're coming from before we can really begin to care where they're going to.

Thanks Blue. A quick note on the structure:- The 'minor' sections are actually little bridges and the line 'I love you' is the hook where the whole thing returns to the tonic, so the 3rd 'stanza' is actually the 2nd verse. I've had 2 versions of this on the go, a standard major key version and also a version with an almost identical melody which returns to a minor tonic. The major version actually has way more emotional impact - the minor version sounds overwrought..

I was concerned about the jump from 'damage done' in the 1st verse going straight into getting 'our own piece of land' in the 2nd and your observations confirm that it is somewhat incoherent as a storyline. Perhaps the 2nd verse above might end up becoming the final verse when it is finished, once I manage to come up with some sort of resolution to the 'drama' of the 1st verse.

Alas, when I sit down to write, i.e. with a notepad, things end up sounding very written indeed and not at all like something spontaneous that one might like to sing along with in the car or wherever. So, I see a brainstorming session or 2 in my near future and I'll have to take it from there. I'm a little embarrassed at having posted something as half-formed as this but your impressions have certainly confirmed for me where this needs to go. So, thanks again.

On the arrangement - well, I only wish that I was able to do 'killer pop'! The sound I have in my head is a kind of trad Irish/Bluegrass style (I usually play this in 2/4)

Like B2B, I heard an early Beatle sound in my head as a read along. The first verse is definite cheese, but good cheese. I have little doubt it would sound great.

It starts to veer into the "uncomfortable cheese" realm with this line, IMO.

I get the sense that that line is positioned as the foundation of the piece and it isn't quite up to the task. The 2nd verse seens to take its cue from that and is a little over the top as well. Try to channel that first verse because it hits the sweet spot.

Ya, that line is the hook, well the 2nd part of the couplet is the hook. 'I'm just saying I'll be true' is specific to that 1st bridge.

I'm kind of attached to the 2nd verse, it does scan nicely when sung even if it appears a little clunky in print. Things will need to be fleshed out considerably tho before I can think about recording this yet.

The early Beatles thing, I can hear for sure but the way I play it, it comes across more country/bluegrass. In my wildest fantasies, I could hear it being sung in a pop style by a good female vocalist but I guess I'd better work up a good version of it 1st.

Yeah....I heard a Beatle thing right off......'Love Me Do' springs to mind. Wouldn't worry about that, though, as I'm suspect that the music will bring it in a different direction.

It does feel pretty....poppy, although this little section veers into some interesting territory...

Yes, I know the damage done,

So this must be lesson one;

'How to lose control.

.......as I was just discussing the controlled loss of control in these matters with a very close songwriting partner.

The last verse strikes me as a bit.....sappy, but again, I'll await the melody.

Sappy, yes. I know I'm treading a fine line here between direct sincerity and being over-earnest and/or a bit 'wet'. That's the main reason I posted without having the song even nearly finished - to see what others thought. Brainstorming would seem to be the way to go. Once I get a few pages of ideas, I can start trying to construct a coherent narrative over 3 or 4 verses and possibly a middle-8.

Again, I can hear the Beatles thing for sure and the melody and backing are certainly very upbeat and positive - even the minor sections are just the gentlest of melancholy tugs.

I'll post back when I get a version recorded that I'm happy with but it could be some time!

Thanks man

Ok, I rewrote and did some further writing on this, making it from the perspective of a woman who has been wronged but who has finally found someone who loves her, per a brief that was posted on musicdealers.com last week.

I think I can change this back around a bit to make it something I could sing myself. Just thought I'd post to get some thoughts, thanks for reading!

Say you love me, say you do,

Say it out and I'll say it too,

'Cause I'm so in love with you.

Lets leave behind the damage done,

We can call it lesson one;

'How to lose control'.

There was a part of me afraid

Of this thing called 'me and you',

But now my heart is singing true,

Singing 'I'm in love with you.'

I'm in love with you

When you take me by the hand

And let me know that you're my man,

It feels like coming home.

Knowing you're in love with me

Is the thing that sets me free

From the hurt I've felt before.

No more dreams about the past

'Cause we've found true love at last,

No more wondering what to do

'Cause I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you

It's a pretty simple I-IV-I-IV for the verses and 'I'm in love with you' chorus. And a ii-V-ii-V for the prechorus.

This has all the hall marks of a "Sugar sugar" type song. Nothing wrong with that it sold millions in the sixties. No matter what people think there is always a market for this type of song. I can see young kids sending this song to their sweethearts. it's definitely in that first love mode. i look forward to hearing your idea come to fruition......dylan

Thanks Dylan,

As it wasn't selected by the Musicdealers client, I am going to back to the original impetus and see if I can get more depth into the lyric. As it is, it is pure candyfloss!

Prolly a bad idea to post this recording. I have flu for the last 2 weeks and was smothered with the damn thing when I did this recording. No wonder it didn't get used!!

Anyway, just to give you the gist of the thing:-

http://soundcloud.com/gubu/iminlovewithyou

You sound better than I do even when I'm in the best of health!

It's hard for me to comment on the lyric, because I don't write love songs unless I can better George Harrison's 'Something' - and that hasn't happened yet.....and I'm not holding my breath.

Your lyric seems fine to me.

What I did find however was that the arrangement and delivery was somewhat bland. OK - I know it comes from a sick boyo and an acoustic guitar.

But I can hear it working as you've written it when it becomes a bigger and more dynamic production. More emphasis on the phrasing and creating some musical light and shade.

I think it will come into its own then.

Well if you're going to aim for something, pardon the pun, aim for greatness!! 'Something' is one of the greatest love songs ever written. I heard a story that it's as much about his love for the 'cosmos' and the 'Dhamma' as it is about Patti.

Too many aim to ape their favourite bands, flavour of the month etc., which are often not that great to begin with.

I went at as a country song with a G C D7 approach and it sounded pretty good.

This part you might want to changed a bit. Seems like it just didn't fit in.

It needn't be just me and you,

We'll gather round us our own crew,

ta da da da da

Thanks Guitarville. See the updated lyrics in post #9 and the recording in post #12.

And let me know that you're my man,

Do you mean "you're my man" or "I'm your man". A bit confusing since a man is singing the song. But...

A couple things:

But now my heart is singing true,

Singing 'I'm in love with you.'

, . . has singing twice one word apart. I'd change one of them.

Second verse; I like "It feels like coming home." Nice descriptive phrase.

The rest of the verse doesn't deliver as well for me. You allude to hurts felt before. But you don't give us any juicy details. In fact the whole song doesn't give us much about these people to hang our hat on. It's a nice set-up. But it doesn't delve any deeper into anything. In fact the song is done at about a minute and a half in and just repeats things.

The public is a pretty sophisticated listener. We're bombarded with listening opportunities many times a day. So we subconciously look for something to draw us in deeper, or we move on. So, I think you've got a good set-up here. But you're not giving us any meat.

That's just my feeling.

PS - you have a simple, direct, folskie song, as you say. With that genre brings certain expectations. We expect to hear simple truths expressed in a unique and poigniant new way. That puts some pressure on the lyric side to come up with some unique catch phrase.

Songs can absolutely sell even if they have poor lyrics, but in order to do so, they need to offer some other compelling reason to ignore it. "Sugar, sugar", for instance, is just very fun to listen to and compells you to move.

But when there isn't enough to distract the listener, and those questionable lines stand out, you have a problem.

It really isn't as simple as, "that song did it and turned out OK". Every composition is its own experience.

Finally got this old thing finished, in rough demo form anyway. I had to pretty much dispense with the bite in the original lyrics, and went for the 'sugar sugar' feel, tho the coda may have some potential as a 'sad' verse.

Thanks to everyone who offered advice!

https://soundcloud.com/gubu/im-in-love-with-you

Thanks oldgitplayer!

Yes, I just set it aside until it started resonating with me again. Once it did, the lyrics and form came together in no time at all.