Married Guys- Dealing with Getting Hit On at Gigs

I know it's probably a strange topic, but this past Sat. was the first time I've had this happen in quite a while. I play in a local cover band, we play smaller bars. I've also been married for 4 years with a 2 month old who I just love to death. My wife and I get along well and she is very supportive. Obviously though, the wifes body takes a dive somewhat after childbirth and the sex life goes away for a while too. So what happens when a hot, nubile 23 year old hits on me at a gig? I wear a ring and I told her I was married...so she was a little put off but not so much, ya know? needless to say, I made a choice to not do anything to jeopardize my family, even though she said "it's too bad you're married". And then of course there was the picture on the website with my arm around her (ooops). That was it though. How do you guys deal with stuff like this at gigs?- especially if you had a few drinks. The other guys in my band say a little flirting is part of the whole band marketing thing.

I'd say that you know where the line stops. Flirting I'd argue is all part of the band promotion thing, and you know where to stop. Maybe talk to your wife and see how she feels about it?

I'm not married or anything (only 17) but I let the girl know that I'm taken but be sure not to be rude, if she persists and says "it's too bad" just take it as a compliment but let them know you don't have the same intentions.

You took a vow. Keep it.

This used to happen to me a bit back when I played in a bar/cover band. I wasn't married, but was in a monogamous relationship. I would act polite as to not offend the woman trying to flirt with me, but I would/could never take it any further than politeness, and I would never really reciprocate on the flirting. I guess the thing that helped the most for me was refusing to drink at gigs. It sucked turning down free booze, but I felt at the time that my relationship was much more important than doing something regrettable with an intoxicated woman who really didn't give a crap about me. My two cents.

Wow...good question. I'm a new'b so I feel a bit strange getting into this but I have the problem times 100...but I try not to let it be a problem. I just don't give off the "I'm interested" vibe. Again...not saying that you were...

I work in radio and for a very successful radio show and station. I've been a "personality" (their words, not mine..HA) for near on 15 years not only in Florida but nationwide on XM radio channel 152...I answer hundreds of emails from listeners everyday but it comes down to the way that you would want to be treated.

Some people are going to base their decisions on Faith...and I admire that. Other are going to base it on family and the sanctity of the unit that they've created. I've been cheated on 3 times and I think a lot of it has to do with the type of people that I was dating. So...I try to get real simple and base my loyalty to my girl on a real tiny detail; The way that I would like to be treated. Put your girl in the bar with her arm around some dude...

...picture it...

...is she doing anything wrong? Nope...

...But does it make your skin crawl or make you mad. Or if you saw it, would you react or do what I did...punch an off duty Daytona Beach cop right in the face and get pulled into a back alley with three of his closest cop buddies?

You did the right thing and I appreciate the honesty and the sharing.

Making a bad choice is easy...making the right choice is hard as hell. God set it up that way. It makes what you have...your wife...your kid...your unit...so much more important and rewarding.

Look at society. Anyone can cheat and ruin a relationship...but not everyone can say that they worked on it and held it together.

Just my 3 cents. (1 too many because I like to hear myself talk.)

Daniel

Even though my wife is in the band w/ me, getting hit on happens every so often. I just point to the wifey and say "sorry, but she has my penis in her purse. You can go ask her if you can use it for a while, but I'm guessin' she's gonna say no."

If I'm playing a pick-up gig, and the wife is not there, I just say "thank you, but I can't." B/c, to be honest, what a woman likely wants in the grand scheme of things is a man who will be loyal. . .if the hitter-onner knows that I'm married, and I do fool around, i'll just be proving my disloyalty. . .and no one wants that, in the long run.

+100 on FP's "you took a vow".

When I was young and dumb, I destroyed relationships with situations such as this. And, I agree w/ DD, (welcome nOOb!) reverse the situation. Would it make you mad if she just let some dude put his arm around her? I would be. Think he grabbed a little squeeze in the process. There's a lot to be said for monogamy- period. It's gone by the way side and that's sad. you can be a "in your face Rocker, sway, strut and all that', but go home to your wife. if you're hit on, just say "thanks for the complement, but no thanks". Then move along.

I'm gonna tell ya a stupid but very honest and true story so bear with me. I was going through a divorce from my first wife. We parted company because she was screwing around when I went on the road. it was a blow to my ego sure, but not devasting. We had issues all along. Well I played a club in a Sheraton out on the road, and had a woman not only flirting but doing just about anything she could to entice me. We were sitting down at a long table with a bunch of her friends, her sister and a bunch of the guys in the band. We were talking and all of a sudden, she blurts out in front of everyone...would you like to f..k! Everybody started rolling over and laughing and needless to say, I was pretty stunned. And then she said wellll!!!!!

I'm not a wus, and I'm not bashful and it would have been very easy and she was very hot. But as bad as things were with me and my wife at the time, I couldn't do it. Why? Cause I gave my word to her that I wouldn't when I said I do...and whether her word was for crap or not, MINE is pretty important to me. It's my signature for respect and responsibility.

Needless to say, I took her aside and told her I was flattered and see me definitley when the smoke between my wife and I cleared (now an ex wife)

If you have nothing in this world, you have your respect. Don't trash one head to get the other one wet! Respect yourself, respect your wife and show what you're made of. We're all human and we do make mistakes. Your 2 month old will not understand it now, but he will later on...I'm sorry to be so super holier than thou...I'm not... I just try and do the right thing.

And after the smoke cleared...well let's just say sailors looked up to me for advice. After all, I had a lot of catching up to do.

Honor and respect are about the only two things that can't be bought or bought off in my book...

(feel flattered)

Was this when you had that awesome 'stash?

Thats why she could keep off!:poke:

Happens to me a lot. And I'm not trying to be cocky or anything, haha. But it does, but i still resist. I'm only 15 and it may seem childish but I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and I'm not gonna do something stupid to mess that up. I just be polite and let them know that I'm in a serious relationship right now. They USUALLY understand.

If not...brute force is involved, haha.

Oh yeah? I've got someone who keeps posting "near incriminating" pictures of me at gigs on her MySpace page and posting bulletins to check 'em out on the band page and such. It's bad because I'm the outgoing one in the band who's usually drinking too much and hanging out with people, passing out business cards, etc. I end up getting a few phone numbers and giving a few hugs, all of which end up captured on someone's photo album.

I definitely flirt with everyone I can at shows, but never take it any further than that. If we show up, play, and leave, most people won't remember. If I can go around, sit down at someone's table with them and talk for a few minutes, compliment them, hand 'em a business card with a (my) booking number on it, take a picture with someone, etc... they're much more likely to remember who it is they went to see that night, and much more likely to come see you again (or book you for a private party).

Man. I hope that relationship lasts you the rest of your life... because if not, you're gonna realize you're missing out on some prime opportunities in the next few years.

Trust.

My wife never comes to my gigs but after all these years she knows this kind of thing happens occasionally (yes, many young women dig us older guys) but she also knows I won't cheat and will always come home to her. While it's flattering , especially when they are smokin' hot, one nighters just aren't worth jeopardizing our marriage and our children's stable environment.

I don't isolate myself from the women and I actually enjoy some mild flirting (ie, mild innuendos - the wife knows how I am but I always wear my wedding ring and it makes after gig sex with her even more fun) but I keep reminding myself how good I have it at home and I don't need the headaches of hiding something or worse yet, the potential of meeting a nutcase.

btw, if your wife has issues of pictures of you with your arm around a fan, you'd better nip that in the bud now. Jealousy will eat at the foundation of your trust in each other.

Thats the problem.. This chick has been shown up to the last few gigs since she's friends with our singers friend. She even told the singer a while ago that she thought I was hot. Well, my wife will actually be there at the next gig so maybe that will really turn her off...or god forbid, the opposite!

Oh no it won't...they'll be sly looks and lots of inuendo.

I am not you and I don't know your relationship with your wife...I'd tell her one night way before the next gig what's going on. That way she knows you're right up front and you have nothing to hide. Your not the bad guy here so what have you to fear. Especially since there's never been any indescretion in the first place.

If you do, and I'm not saying you should, but I 'll bet when your wife comes to the gig, if anything starts happening with her, your wife will probably bust her upside the head and say, guess what...he comes home to me and don't forget that! But what do I know...

Well Im 24, so if that happens to me, its always some sloppy drunk cougar, and its very easy to ignore them.

My girlfriend usually goes with me to shows, not to guard me, but to be my tech, she knows how to put my kit up faster than I do sometimes, and I always bitch at her when she makes me go to shows and spend an hour setting up alone.

awwwwww.... poor thing

Wow...you are a hopeless romantic aren't you!

(Just teasing...)

Good on ya jdrummys, if you're anything like me then you know that your family is the most important thing in life. I recently told my wife that I would even be willing to give up music if I had to, just to prove how much she means to me. But she's pretty supportive of me doing my music project(s), and even though I highly doubt I'll ever tour or play live she is willing to travel with me.

I couldn't agree more. I might by strange but I've never cheated even when I was just dating a girl. Trust is trust. I've had a girl cheat on me and I know what it feels like. It sucks. Then you get married which is a much bigger commitment and add a family too that. I'm with everyone above. Its just not something I do. Mild flirting maybe but it wouldn't go further than talking.

You know, not to sound like a good influence or anything, cause that wouldn't be very rock n roll of me but.. Being a dad at 18 it was hard to turn down the after party snootchy bootchy for going right home after the show to change diapers, but that's what a man does, so I did it. 14 years later I know I made the right choice, other band mates didn't, and in my opinion they suffered a lot because of it.

Me and FP might disagree on lots of stuff , but here we're 100% eye to eye.

Keep it in your pants!

You did the right thing....now here's the hard part....keep doing the right thing.

If the girl persists start dedicating every other tune to your wife.

Or a good gob of spit in the face if all else fails!

Carmine is right on every point!! Also, women have a different sense about this stuff. If you don't tell your wife ahead of time she'll probably pick up on it. Then you're in the middle of a gig, you've got some chick paying way too much attention to you and obviously has met you and you have to deal with your wife. None of that is any good at all unless you're trying to piss somebody off. Believe me I know, I've been stupid enough to think that my girlfriend wouldn't notice. We've survived it, barley. And it's something I work on every single day.

For me it comes down to self esteem. I'm putting myself way out there saying this stuff about myself, but this is a great topic. I'm still learning, at 47, what it means to be in a healthy relationship, with someone who really cares about me. It sounds like you've got a grasp on things jdrummys, just keep your head together, be honest with yourself, your family and the chicks and you'll be fine.

One more point, allot of the chicks that have flirted with me I've realized are only doing it because I'm in a band and really don't give a {censored} about me or who I am otherwise. Just comes with the territory.