Members nanobug Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Not in a bad way I guess, just in a "need all the good vibes and wind in my sails I can acquire" I'm going to breach the subject of divorce with my wife in the near future. It's been brought up a few times in passing previously, but in the middle of stupid screaming matches, impulsively. You see, I'm unemployed and have been a stay-at-home dad for 2 years while going to school. It was a mutually agreed on decision at the time but it's turned into a co-dependent cluster{censored} of passive-aggressive control games and screaming matches. And I don't mean that to make her sound like a bad person. We're just bad for each other. I'm not all that upset about it either, actually coming to terms with the state of our relationship and realizing that I don't need to stay in this marriage and that I am capable of going through with a divorce even if it is going to be an incredibly difficult process has been a bit of a relief, like this huge weight has been lifted. For so long I've not even considered it for a multitude of reasons that I'm sure are common among people who go through this kind of thing. Of course I'm not happy. I still care for her and I'm worried about the implications for our children. It's just one of those situations where I know if we don't split soon, when we do split its just going to be really ugly for the girls and could potentially take years to turn civil again, if ever. Right now, with things as they are, I think if the moment is seized we could do this amicably and even be friends after it's all said and done. So it has to be done, and soon. But to go through with this, I'm going to need to leave. And to leave, I need a place to go and a job. I'm almost certain I've got the place to go covered, but the job is a bit of an issue. So any mojo, job offers in the south-central PA area, or words of advice for a soon to be single stay at home dad returning to the workforce after two years in the middle of a recession would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Surfdude Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Sorry to hear this. I have survived two divorces. Life goes on. Kids come first. You will make it. We all do. I would recommend a divorce recovery group instead of drinking yourself silly every night in a bar. Best to you, my friend. Surfy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nanobug Posted January 28, 2010 Author Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Sorry to hear this. I have survived two divorces. Life goes on. Kids come first.You will make it. We all do. I would recommend a divorce recovery group instead of drinking yourself silly every night in a bar.Best to you, my friend.Surfy Thanks. I've already been thinking about those kinds of things and I'm determined to not do that. Been down that road before and I know where it leads. I'm not going to drink her away, or start filling the void of her absence with just anyone. I'm not going to embarrass her or myself by making a public spectacle of our split, or play petty games of trying to divide and conquer our social circle. I'm not interested in being vicious or vengeful, would love to call her one of my best friends when it's all over. I really want this to not be so much an angry and bitter split, but more of a transition into a more healthy relationship as friends and parents. To do something like start drinking myself stupid on a regular basis would only undermine that and make an already difficult situation even worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chunk Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Mojo sent. I'm going through a divorce now so I'm right there with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EJD Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Much mojo sent, man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Ratae Corieltauvorum Posted January 28, 2010 Moderators Share Posted January 28, 2010 You will make it. We all do. I would recommend a divorce recovery group instead of drinking yourself silly every night in a bar. Please tak4e good care of yourself in the coming period, and remember that any pain WILL pass. Surfdude offers good advice, sadly advice I wish I'd taken. Peace man:thu: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Elias Graves Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Mojo to you and especially your kids. Divorce sucks for kids. EG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members soundcreation Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 I don't know how old you're kids are but really really be honest with them and don't let them wonder about stuff. They can handle what you throw at them as long as it's honest and direct in language that they can understand. If you sugar coat {censored} or don't let them know what's going on they will know and they will take it out on both of you. In the end you're making the right decision. Much better for everyone if it can be amicable and done with compassion and caring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bc1957 Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Counseling counseling counseling! If you can afford it (or even if you can't, check your local community or school resources), try a couples therapist - or at least one for yourself. With her, it might be good to have a "referee" whilst you air your grievances. Even if you split, it makes for a much healthier future, for both of you. bc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nuke_diver Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 mojo Divorce sucks but it can be the best thing to...it was for me as I split with a woman I loved but wound up with my true soul mate and I'm still very much in love with my 2nd wife after 15+ years of marriage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Maess Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Been there, recently, it was painful and we didn't even have kids, so I can imagine how hard it is for you. You need to find someone you can reach out too and get things off your chest. Don't listen to the people who will tell you to 'man up', it's never a shame to ask for help when you need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bsman Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Mojo sent. Hope I never have to go through that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mutant_guitar Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Counseling counseling counseling! If you can afford it (or even if you can't, check your local community or school resources), try a couples therapist - or at least one for yourself. With her, it might be good to have a "referee" whilst you air your grievances.Even if you split, it makes for a much healthier future, for both of you.bc agreed. It sounds like the situation is the culprit, not so much the relationship. If you are as worried about the children and the relationship as much as you appear to be, your first thought should be to go to counseling. If you can't afford counseling, at least find a self help book about relationships.There's some good advice out that really works. I would only consider divorce if that doesn't work. Either way, mojo sent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Crisco Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Hopefully everything will sort itself out in time. Good Luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nanobug Posted January 28, 2010 Author Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 agreed. It sounds like the situation is the culprit, not so much the relationship. If you are as worried about the children and the relationship as much as you appear to be, your first thought should be to go to counseling. If you can't afford counseling, at least find a self help book about relationships.There's some good advice out that really works. I would only consider divorce if that doesn't work.Either way, mojo sent. I'm past the point of wanting it to work 'for the kids'. I think the kids are being harmed more by watching us argue than they'll ever be helped by us staying together. I've spent the last year giving it a good try, making changes, trying to overlook some things and appreciate the bigger picture. I've learned a lot - some of that is that I contributed to more problems than I thought just by my reactions to certain things. Some of what I learned is that I just don't want to be with her anymore because we're not compatible and haven't been for a long time. We should have split a long time ago, but instead we doubled down by having kids and moving in together. The situation we're in is not the culprit. The culprit is that after all we've been through I'm just not interested in a future with her. At least not as a married couple, living together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members fu2jobu Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 So any mojo, job offers in the south-central PA area, or words of advice for a soon to be single stay at home dad returning to the workforce after two years in the middle of a recession would be most helpful and greatly appreciated. So what are you going to school for and what kind of work are you qualified to do? I'm outside of Philly but the owner of our company is from Lackluster (Lancaster) and has some ties there. Not promising anything but it never hurts to ask around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nanobug Posted January 28, 2010 Author Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 So what are you going to school for and what kind of work are you qualified to do? I'm outside of Philly but the owner of our company is from Lackluster (Lancaster) and has some ties there. Not promising anything but it never hurts to ask around. I've been going to school for computer science, but nearly all of my work experience has been as a machinist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mutant_guitar Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 I'm past the point of wanting it to work 'for the kids'. I think the kids are being harmed more by watching us argue than they'll ever be helped by us staying together. I've spent the last year giving it a good try, making changes, trying to overlook some things and appreciate the bigger picture. I've learned a lot - some of that is that I contributed to more problems than I thought just by my reactions to certain things. Some of what I learned is that I just don't want to be with her anymore because we're not compatible and haven't been for a long time. We should have split a long time ago, but instead we doubled down by having kids and moving in together. The situation we're in is not the culprit. The culprit is that after all we've been through I'm just not interested in a future with her. At least not as a married couple, living together. It takes effort from both sides to fix a strained relationship. You may have been trying hard to make things work, but it takes a group effort to get things working. A counselor could very well save your marriage, but if you don't give it a try, you'll never know. As far as jobs go, you could check out the Caterpillar Plant in York, the Tyco Electronics Plant in Mount Joy (they do alot of machining there, from what I hear), the M&M Mars Plant in Elizabethtown (if you're really desperate, and I mean REALLY desperate, they are always hiring temps). Can't think of anything else ATM. Try your school's career services. They might be able to hook you up with a job/internship/coop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Brian Krashpad Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Mojo sent. I deal with divorces almost daily at work. No fun for the people involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mazi Bee Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 You are doing the right thing. Staying together "for the kids" is the worst thing a couple can do for the kids. Trust me, they are as miserable as you are. Kids know when things aren't going well. Yeah, they hear those screaming matches and feel the awkwardness during the silent treatments. Just let them know it's not their fault and both of you still love them, and their lives will improve greatly once you two separate and are no longer fighting. Divorce saves families, (coming from a child of divorce). Just try to have a peaceful divorce without using the kids as weapons against each other, and each parent needs to agree to not bad-mouth the other parent in front of the kids. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ten56gibby Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Mojo to ya, man. I just got divorced under a month ago. My situation was much less complex than yours, but know that it really isn't always the nightmare it seems to be in your mind. You seem very aware at all angles of the situation and I'm sure you'll be fine. Getting the ball rolling is tough and there's almost never a good time to initiate it, but what must be done simply must. Sorry to hear you're going to have to go through this, but take it from the freshly divorced guy that it really isn't always all that bad. Agreed that while the kids are the most important thing, staying together miserable but for their benefit doesn't benefit them at all. I think you're doing the right thing (and would still think so even if I hadn't just been divorced myself). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Daniel-Bianco Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 Mojo to you and especially your kids. Divorce sucks for kids. EG Been there, done that .. It is tough :poke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jelloman Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 mojo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members _pete_ Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 I'm past the point of wanting it to work 'for the kids'. I think the kids are being harmed more by watching us argue than they'll ever be helped by us staying together. That was like my situation. We were definitely not right for each other and after our daughter was born, things got worse. Constant fighting. She was the screamer, I would shut her out and it would make her yell more. We argued over anything no matter how trivial.It really started to affect our little girl when she was about 2 years old. She would try to keep us apart so we didn't fight. That is no position to put a child in.It got to the point that even when we were talking in a civil matter, our daughter would be upset. I knew then that she would be better off if mom & dad split up.Fortunately, it's worked out great for her. She adjusted very well to the divorce and has a great relationship with both of us. If we had stayed together, she would have needed therapy at the very least.Sometimes it sucks, but sometimes it's for the best. Do whatever is best for the kids. You and the wife will adjust as long as you keep that first and foremost in everything you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Riggins Posted January 28, 2010 Members Share Posted January 28, 2010 mojo comin' your way bro. Been through it myself, and yes, drank myself out of it. I was in my early 20s though with no kids and my body could handle it much better then than it could now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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