History lesson

[ColdFyre]

ok, remember, this is a PARODY! A JOKE!

 

If you take it seriously and get offended, please look into a mirror and repeat the following: "I take life too seriously. I need to get out more. I need to learn how to laugh"

 

The division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began

some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of

nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the

summer and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter.

 

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of

beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man

to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and

together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two

distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

 

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning

of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were

invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around

waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at

night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is

known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less

skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up

for the nightly barbeque and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair

dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement."

 

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became

known as 'girleymen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the

domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs,

and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat

and beer that conservatives provided.

 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most

powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by

the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (usually with lime

added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat

raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food

are standard liberal fare.

 

As another interesting evolutionary side note, most liberal women have

higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal

injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group

therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule

because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

 

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide

for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,

lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,

corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works

productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire

other conservatives who want to work for a living.

 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers

and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans

are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals

remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept

in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to

get MORE for nothing.

[knuckle_head]

[scarecrowbob]

Did you know that conservatives drink the blood of babies and that their hearts do not pump blood like ours, but in fact contain an evil viscous oil like substance? Or that liberals hold sacrifices on the eve of every election to ensure that their candidates will win?

 

 

 

hmmm....

 

 

 

Did you know that liberals and conservative occupy the same fairly right-wing neoliberal political space, differing only on a few relatively minor cultural issues?

 

 

Okay, that first bit about the conservatives/liberals is a lie.

[lug]

Originally posted by ColdFyre ok, remember, this is a PARODY! A JOKE! If you take it seriously and get offended, please look into a mirror and repeat the following: "I take life too seriously. I need to get out more. I need to learn how to laugh"

 

Why should anyone get offended by the truth?

[Retrovertigo]

Originally posted by knuckle_head

+1?

[zenfascist]

Ha, that's pretty funny. Where did you find it?

[ColdFyre]

 

Originally posted by zenfascist Ha, that's pretty funny. Where did you find it?

 

 

Dunno the original source... a friend just sent it along

[Detox]

ok, remember, this is a PARODY! A JOKE!

 

If you take it seriously and get offended, please look into a mirror and repeat the following: "I take life too seriously. I need to get out more. I need to learn how to laugh"

[s4001]

"It's about the beer. Whenever anyone says it's not about the beer - it's about the beer."

- Bill Clinton

[sunburstbasser]

I take offense!

 

Elephants/donkeys represent Republicans/Democrats ONLY, NOT the entire Conservative/Liberal factions.

 

Otherwise pretty funny.

[danthepersonage]

there's nothin' like the truth

[Adrenochrome]

Is the term 'Liberal' derogatory in the US?

[1tallbassguy]

Remember it's a joke.

 

Hahahahahaha:D

 

 

[sunburstbasser]

 

Originally posted by Adrenochrome Is the term 'Liberal' derogatory in the US?

 

 

Both Liberal and Conservative have become derogatory instead of political in the last few years or so. It really depends on the circumstances. I'm not really sure how it could be used as an insult, but some have no problems using it as such.

[Adrenochrome]

Okay. Thanks for that. Neither is derogatory in the UK, but right-wingers get called 'reactionaries' and left-wingers 'loonie lefties'. I've heard the term 'bleeding-heart liberal' before and took that to be an insult.

[Bassin' 'Round]

Funny article.