Members the_big_geez Posted October 25, 2005 Members Posted October 25, 2005 Here's one to start: Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male,resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pmFriday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lasciviousbehavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at theCounty courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly statedthat as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and therewas no one around here for miles. At least I thought therewasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the Countycourthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side ofthe road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriateto his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfyhis alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commentedwith evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice theWhite Plains police car approaching and was unaware of hisaudience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It wasan unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor."I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away atthis pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approachedDavidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but doyou realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got realsurprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight inthe face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnightalready?'"
Members BEAD Posted October 25, 2005 Members Posted October 25, 2005 What's the difference between a dead baby and a pizza? Sorry, I don't know any Halloween jokes.
Members the_big_geez Posted October 25, 2005 Author Members Posted October 25, 2005 So far, this is no fun at all! I'll try again: One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the mostadorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and thebiggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. Thewoman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick orTweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls herhusband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Goahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick orTweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is justthe cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the TreatBowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into thelittle girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the womanand says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my {censored}ingcookies!"
Members s4001 Posted October 25, 2005 Members Posted October 25, 2005 I don't know any Halloween jokes, either.
Members zachoff Posted October 25, 2005 Members Posted October 25, 2005 Why is Halloween a redneck's favroite holiday? 'Cause they get to pump kin.
Members bassguy Posted October 25, 2005 Members Posted October 25, 2005 Originally posted by zachoff Why is Halloween a redneck's favroite holiday?'Cause they get to pump kin. you win the joke contest...lol
Members zachoff Posted October 25, 2005 Members Posted October 25, 2005 Originally posted by bassguy you win the joke contest...lol WOOHOO!
Members burdizzos Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 My mom just sent me this one. A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parceland a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Members mrcrow Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Why don't skeletons go out on the town?Because they have no body to go out with...
Members Rowka Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?To improve his bite... What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?Frostbite... Why do witches use brooms to fly on?Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy... How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?With scare spray... What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?A fur coat that fangs around your neck... Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?No, they eat the fingers separately... What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?Booberries... What is a vampire's favorite sport?Casketball... What is a vampire's favorite holiday?Fangsgiving... What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?Shrinkenstein... What did one ghost say to the other ghost?"Do you believe in people?" What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?A cereal killer... Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?They're so wrapped up in themselves... What kind of streets do zombies like the best?Dead ends... What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?Fasten your sheet belts... What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?A blood vessel... What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?A scareplane... What type of dog do vampire's like the best?Bloodhounds... What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?Lemon-slime... What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?A stake sandwich... What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?A trombone... What do birds give out on Halloween night?Tweets... Why do vampires need mouthwash?They have bat breath... What's a vampire's favorite fast food?A guy with very high blood pressure... Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?He heard it had great circulation...
Members zachoff Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Originally posted by basshunter Zachoff stole my joke It's a good one, eh?! Dude, I'm making an Imperial IPA this weekend! Doing the double mash thing you were talking about with the barleywine so we'll see how that goes.
Members Fran da Man Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Ok...A little boy with a speech impediment goes out trick or treating dressed as a Pirate.The little boy knocks on an old ladys door "Knock, knock, knock"The woman answers, and the little boy says "Brick or Breat"Stunned, the woman says "huh?"And again the little boy says "Brick or Breat""Oh" exclaims the woman (now realizing the boy has a speech problem) she compliments him on his costume..."My word, you make such a cute little Pirate" she says,"So tell me, a Pirate always has Buccaneers, so whers YOUR Buccaneers?"The little boys answers "Thier under my Buckin' Hat" Lady!!!
Members KeroseneTrewthe Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Originally posted by burdizzos My mom just sent me this one. A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Thanks for the laugh!
Members scythe Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Originally posted by basshunter Zachoff stole my joke You stole my story!
Members bassplayer7770 Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Originally posted by burdizzos My mom just sent me this one.
Members the_big_geez Posted October 26, 2005 Author Members Posted October 26, 2005 A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Shegot a terrible headache and told her husband to go to theparty alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but sheargued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go tobed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled bynot going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakenedwithout pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go tothe party. In as much as her husband did not know what hercostume was, she thought she would have some fun by watchingher husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavortingaround on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick hecould, and copping a little feel here and a little kissthere. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductivebabe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devotedhis time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he washer husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in herear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars andhad a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and wenthome and put the costume away and got into bed, wonderingwhat kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked whatkind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. Youknow I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some otherguys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure hada real good time!"
Members bassguy Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 Originally posted by the_big_geez A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Shegot a terrible headache and told her husband to go to theparty alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but sheargued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go tobed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled bynot going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakenedwithout pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go tothe party. In as much as her husband did not know what hercostume was, she thought she would have some fun by watchingher husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavortingaround on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick hecould, and copping a little feel here and a little kissthere. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductivebabe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devotedhis time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he washer husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in herear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars andhad a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and wenthome and put the costume away and got into bed, wonderingwhat kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked whatkind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. Youknow I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some otherguys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure hada real good time!" thats a good one too...lol
Members BEAD Posted October 26, 2005 Members Posted October 26, 2005 I put a really creepy joke in this post... appropriate for halloween but possibly offensive or too creepy. How long does it take to blow up a dead baby in the microwave? I don't know, I cum with my eyes closed.
Members JacieFB Posted October 19, 2006 Members Posted October 19, 2006 Bump...anyone have any more of these?
Members Fireball_73 Posted October 19, 2006 Members Posted October 19, 2006 Q:Whats brown and sticky? A: A stick Q: How do you make a sausage roll? A: push it down a hill... Boom boom!
Members s4001 Posted October 20, 2006 Members Posted October 20, 2006 Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?With a pumpkin patch. How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes. What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?"Would you like another piece?" What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy. What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?Masked potatoes. What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?Tombstones. What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?"Don't spook until you're spooken to." What did the skeleton say to the bartender?I'd like a beer and a mop! What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?I'm bone to be wild. What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?Boo-ties What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween? Ghoul-aid. What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae? Whipped scream. What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. What do little ghosts drink?Evaporated milk. What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships. What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?A holy terror. What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?Hoblin Goblin. What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady. What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster. What do you call a roomful of ghosts?A bunch of boo-boos. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand witch. What do you call dead cows that come back to life?Zombeef. What do you do with a green monster?Wait until it ripens. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A sour-puss. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?Pumpkin pi. What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? Bone-bones in a heart shaped box. What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?Spare ribs. What game do ghost like to play?Peek-a-Boo. What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"A monster laughing his head off What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist. What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? The actors get stage fright. What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE. What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast. What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal?SCREAM of Wheat. What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving. What is a witch's favorite subject in school?Spelling. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? His other fang. What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing. What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog?A blood hound. What is the tallest building in Transylvania?The Vampire State Building. What kind of key opens a casket?A skeleton key
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