So what do you guys think of this poem/lyrics I wrote?

[bassthumpintwin]

occasionally I see where a fellow forumite has posted some lyrics they have written.... So I figured I'd do the same! I'm curious as to what kind of criticisms I will recieve....

 

ENJOY!

 

Lonely Traveler

by bassthumpintwin

 

I'm walking down this lonely road,

Unsure of what the next turn holds,

Pressing onward but not knowing,

Which direction I am going.

 

I'm deafened by the silent streets,

Encumbered by these tired feet,

And this heavy, overbearing,

Lonesome burden I am wearing.

 

If only I could stop, I'd rest,

Where is my relief from distress?

Where have all the people gone,

To help me off this road I'm on?

 

Perhaps they're hiding with the Time,

That seems to slip this grasp of mine,

Though moving slower by the minute,

Still I cannot seem to hold it.

 

Overrun with obligations,

Never room for hesitation,

I must move on, I cant look back,

Or spend time naming what I lack....

[ToeJamFootball]

look good to me!!

 

now post in my lyric thread damn you!!!

 

 

ToeJam

[willsellout]

Definitely some good lyrics man...let us know when you record something to it.

 

 

Dan:thu:

[bassman1956]

Rhymes too much... Sorry, had to say it.

 

Otherwise, I like it!

 

First verse had me thinking Alman Bros. Second verse had me thinking "Mona Lisa", a badly-written book I read a lifetime ago, but written by 4 authors in turn, and one of which was really good at describing cityscapes, got you there!

 

And I've got to say, good imagery.

 

 

Throw a 3-line and a 5-line somewhere in there, and I think you'll really improve it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Okay, that's really thinking like an artist with a canvas. But that's how I've really started to think of music. When I hear something, I look for the spacial flavor. When I see something, I look for the music.)

[bassthumpintwin]

 

Originally posted by bassman1956 Rhymes too much... Sorry, had to say it. Otherwise, I like it! First verse had me thinking Alman Bros. Second verse had me thinking "Mona Lisa", a badly-written book I read a lifetime ago, but written by 4 authors in turn, and one of which was really good at describing cityscapes, got you there! And I've got to say, good imagery. Throw a 3-line and a 5-line somewhere in there, and I think you'll really improve it. (Okay, that's really thinking like an artist with a canvas. But that's how I've really started to think of music. When I hear something, I look for the spacial flavor. When I see something, I look for the music.)

 

 

I appreciate the criticism.....

 

you're right... it does rhyme kind of a lot... but it wasnt meant to be a song so much as a poem....

It would be a lot better with a 3 or 5 liner or a line that didnt have exactly 8 syllables..... hahaha.... but thats just the way it came out i guess.....

 

its funny.... seems like I'm always writing in 8 beat measures....

 

the last few poems that I've look at that I've written all have 8 syllable lines in them..... i've gotta get away from that!

 

I'm glad you said it has good imagery..... thats more/less my goal when writing a poem..... one of the first people I showed it too said it was very picturesque..... I like to write that way.

[bassman1956]

Get a copy of Dave Brubeck's album 'Time Out'. That'll change things!

[greenshag]

for some reason I have a whitesnake song in my head now...

 

 

here I go again on my own....