Dear Alcohol (with apologies to a Myspace friend)

[Funkee1]

Dear Alcohol:

 

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

 

 

1. Phone calls:

 

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

 

2. Eating:

 

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat at WHAT-A-BURGER, or JACK-IN-THE -BOX, or DENNY'S and some cold french fries (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Snickers bar after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

 

3. Clumsiness:

 

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

 

4. Furthermore:

 

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

 

 

Thank you,

 

Your biggest fan

 

 

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Innovative

 

2. Preliminary

 

3. Proliferation

 

4. Cinnamon

 

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Specificity

 

2. British Constitution

 

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

 

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

 

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

 

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

 

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

 

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

 

******PLEASE REPOST AND GIVE CREDIT TO WHOM YOU CARE ABOUT THESE HOLIDAYS, DONT DRINK AND DRIVE***********

[4string]

 

Originally posted by bassgeek ******PLEASE REPOST AND GIVE CREDIT TO WHOM YOU CARE ABOUT THESE HOLIDAYS, DONT DRINK AND DRIVE***********

 

 

 

+1

[BigPigPeaches]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

 

"You're right. There's no way in hell I could jump over that table."

[Reverend179]

Blahhh, too many surfers on acid last night....

[rikshaw]

Originally posted by Reverend179 Blahhh, too many surfers on acid last night....

 

damn! i missed that

 

[Tlaloc]

that is why you drink only on friday nights and either do it AT YOUR OWN HOUSE, STAY OVER DURING THE NIGHT, OR HAVE A 100% SOBER PERSON DRIVE YOU HOME.

 

Friday to get smashed and not harm anyone, Saturday to spend the day feeling like a complete zombie, and Sunday to enjoy a nice weekend day.

 

 

And as a friendly reminder:

 

DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

 

If you DRANK, DONT DRIVE. I dont care if you "feel fine." DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE.

 

Thank you all at the HCBF and happy holidays to all.

[Funkee1]

This reminds me.... Last night, I got invited to breakfast with 3 hot 23 year olds after my gig. I havent' hung out with drunk College age girls since I was in college!

 

 

 

 

Seems like it was more fun when either, I was that young too, or I was also drunk. Last night consisted of me being like Dad, or Chaperone, while two of the young ladies laughed at anything, and the 3rd lady smiled embarrassedly, like "they're not usually like this...."

 

 

It was a sad affair for all, and not at all like the Penthouse Forum letter I plan to write about it!

[BigPigPeaches]

Originally posted by bassgeek It was a sad affair for all, and not at all like the Penthouse Forum letter I plan to write about it!

 

"Dear Penthouse Forum, I beat off a lot last night and when I woke up this morning I was blind. The End."

[Funkee1]

 

Originally posted by BigPigPeaches "Dear Penthouse Forum, I beat off a lot last night and when I woke up this morning I was blind. The End."

 

 

Basically, yeah, only I was going to work in Danish Cheerlearders, and a dominatrix.

[King Kashue]

Originally posted by bassgeek Basically, yeah, only I was going to work in Danish Cheerlearders, and a dominatrix.