Members BigPigPeaches Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 This is an old clip from our website, detailing my trip to a colonic hydrotherapist. Might be good for a laugh. On a recent trip to Memphis, where Lobo has a friend who knows a guy who nailed an ex-girlfriend who once served Lobo some sake at a geisha house in Toledo, Ohio, a bunch of us stayed at a rather posh lake house for a couple of days on R&R. On this trip, as on many others before it, I had the occasion to sample some of the finer cuisine available in the Memphis area. For instance, there is an establishment there which makes a good burger. As a matter of fact, it's a damn good burger. Indeed, their burgers are so good, they are known as the "Burger King". As a direct consequence of enjoying this fine meal, and then being in close quarters with good friends, there were some words spoken. And, in the manner of all good friends, I chose to say quite a few of them with my ass. This, in turn, led several of my friends to offer the opinion, "Dude, there is something WRONG with you." And then we laughed and laughed and laughed. Or maybe I was the only one laughing, I don't really remember that part. But then I started to wonder, "What if something really IS wrong with me?" So upon my return, I made a momentous decision, and put in a call to a local colon hydrotherapist. The following is a journal of the events leading up to and following that experience: T minus 24 hours: I place a call to said hydrotherapist, who shall remain nameless. She instructs me not to eat anything for four hours prior to "The Treatment", and gives me detailed instructions on how to get to the facility, hereafter referred to as "The Ass Shack". T minus one hour: I briefly consider bailing on the whole event, then decide to soldier on. T minus twenty minutes: I arrive at the Ass Shack, and meet my hydrotherapist. Whoa...hang on a minute...she's pretty damn hot...my emotions are mixed. A discussion ensues on the topic of the how, what, when, and where. Basically she describes the procedure, then leaves the room while I position myself on what can only be described as a Throne of Assitude. T minus zero: There is a stiff plastic rod stuck up my butt. And the part that's not really funny is, I'm the one who put it there. My nether regions are discreetly covered by a blanket, but I'm butt naked underneath. Upon hearing a prearranged signal from me, my Queen of Colondom comes back in the room, and turns on the water. T plus 2 minutes: At this point, there is a large amount of filtered water going into an orifice which is traditionally designated as "Exit Only". It's at body temperature, and the only thing I'm really feeling is...well, there's something WRONG with me. Really, REALLY wrong with me. T plus 3 minutes: As Destructo would say, "My clutch is slipping." T plus 4 minutes: Mount Vesuvius. Pompeii. St. Helens. Mere blips on the radar compared to the blowout that I experience. To the left and below of The Throne, there is a clear plastic drain pipe, through which my own brand of ass magma is flowing. I am distinctly disappointed. I was really hoping to see that pair of shoes that I lost in the 8th grade. T plus 45 minutes: The above process has been repeated several times, with varying results, some of which have been a bit more fascinating but never really truly alarming. I start to think, "Maybe there's nothing wrong with me." My Colonic Cleopatra has been checking in on my regularly to make sure that I haven't exploded, and this time when she comes in, I am offered a colon massage. Not really being sure what this entails, I am a little hesitant, but then I figure hey, there's a tube up my butt, this lady knows that I've eaten corn at some point in the last 29 years, and she does this for a living, so I say sure, massage away. Now no way in hell am I going to blow out while she's in the room (because THAT would be in bad taste...), so I am forced to hold it in while she is performing said massage (which, to my relief, is conducted from outside the body). She notices that I am beginning to look a bit like the Michelin Man, and comments upon it, saying "You know, I could keep torturing you like this for a while." I ask if that will cost extra. She leaves the room, barely escaping an episode that would commonly be referred to as a "bowlcoater". It sounds a bit like the final strains of "For Those About to Rock", but oddly, there is no smell. T plus 55 minutes: I am informed by my Assmaster that the session is concluded, and she again gives me detailed instructions on how to exit the Throne. In short order I am fully dressed and receive my discharge instructions (no pun intended). T plus 64 minutes: As I am leaving the building, my colon lets me know that I have not successfully completed the evacuation. A nearby bathroom feels my wrath. T plus 3 hours: Feeling pretty good, except I'm having to piss like a pregnant racehorse. T plus 12 hours: Some residual effluvium. And let me tell you, it smells none too good. T plus 24 hours: I am somewhat relieved to find out that I can now enjoy my favorite pasttime (baking brownies) without fear of adverse effects (i.e. trouser chili). However, I am a bit alarmed that these particular efforts seem to have absolutely no odor. T plus 30 hours: Still no odor. I am growing more concerned. What if there was nothing wrong with me to begin with, but now there is? I mean, I know that nothing that comes out of my ass has ever smelled like roses, but it's always had SOME stank on it. T plus 48 hours: I have not had any sort of meaningful time in the bathroom since "The Session". Moreover, there is still no funk from the basement. What have I done to myself? Will I ever recover? T plus 60 hours: Burger King. T plus 67.5 hours: Oh my god, what have I done? I've lost my special powers! No! No! Damn you, Colon Lady! I lose several days of work, lying on the floor in a fetal position. My mom calls. I don't care. The IRS calls. I tell them to blow me. The Red Cross calls. I tell them to {censored} off. I am lost...lost...
Members johnny6644 Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 The post entitled: My Colonic Hydrotherapy Experience, was just below post entitled Hippie Crack. What the hell is giong on around here?
Members NineMinuteNap Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 This is the Bass forum, not the Ass forum.
Members LanEvo Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 I never understood this whole colonic thing. After all, if your goal is to clear out your large intestine (for whatever reason )...just go to the local pharmacy and pick up some GoLytely or a couple of bottles of Fleet Phospo-Soda or Accu-Prep. That's what we use as "bowel prep" prior to colonoscopy or lower abdominal surgery. No need to stick hoses up your butt. Emre
Members lingua latina Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 Hey if you want your girlfriend to give you a rim job, be nice and do regular high colonics.
Members Rowka Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 But then you don't get to have Colonic Cleopatra rubbin on your anus.
Members takeout Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 Originally posted by BigPigPeaches ...T minus zero: There is a stiff plastic rod stuck up my butt. And the part that's not really funny is, I'm the one who put it there...Oh, I don't know about that... that's the part I laughed hardest at.
Members monark Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 Where the HELL did this topic come from!?!?!?
Members D Aussie Posted January 9, 2006 Members Posted January 9, 2006 Definately, an OFF topic.But funny as a turd in a sock. In a slightly related matter, is it perhaps time to realise that eating {censored} is what makes your {censored} stink?I love the way you kept such an accurate diary! T -4 miuntes!
Members D Aussie Posted January 10, 2006 Members Posted January 10, 2006 deville mustnt miss this.. its right up his alley
Members LO_RYDER Posted January 10, 2006 Members Posted January 10, 2006 Ok, that whole thing wreeks of gaydom!
Members BigPigPeaches Posted January 10, 2006 Author Members Posted January 10, 2006 Honestly, it didn't really reek of anything. That's why I was so upset at the end.
CMS Author Craig Vecchione Posted January 10, 2006 CMS Author Posted January 10, 2006 Try some Taco Bell burritos. It'll reek.
Members BigPigPeaches Posted January 10, 2006 Author Members Posted January 10, 2006 Oh, everything's alright now, my superpowers returned and I am now capable of knocking a buzzard off a {censored}wagon at 50 paces. But the colon lady is still a hotty. Here's her website, check it out. By the way, that's not a trick of the camera, her eyes are two different colors, and the left one is stone black. I found it alarming but not so much that I didn't want to insert my penis into her vagina. Repeatedly.
Members Monkabutt Posted January 10, 2006 Members Posted January 10, 2006 Wow, there are even pictures!
Members Undertoad Posted January 10, 2006 Members Posted January 10, 2006 Well, the whole story is awesome, and muchly educational. My question is, I've always heard that your intestines contain, like, a load of "good bacteria" that help in digestion, and produce gasses as a side effect. Wouldn't this whole process mess up the good bacteria for a while? How is that good for you, that your digestion is messed up for a few days?
CMS Author Craig Vecchione Posted January 10, 2006 CMS Author Posted January 10, 2006 Originally posted by Undertoad Well, the whole story is awesome, and muchly educational.My question is, I've always heard that your intestines contain, like, a load of "good bacteria" that help in digestion, and produce gasses as a side effect. Wouldn't this whole process mess up the good bacteria for a while? How is that good for you, that your digestion is messed up for a few days? It's not good for you. With the exception of necessary medical procedures (all of you over 50, please get a colonoscopy so you don't die a painful unnecessary death like my mother in-law) there's little use in 'flushing out' what's coming out anyway. While the Hershey Highway may have a few speed bumps, everything makes its way out in time. And upsetting the "flora and fauna" balance has no up side. So to speak. BTW, BigPigPeaches, glad to hear your "Rear Admiral" is a hottie.
Members embellisher Posted January 10, 2006 Members Posted January 10, 2006 I almost didn't open this thread, for fear that it would have either a goatse pic or a tubgirl pic.
Members mlwarriner Posted January 10, 2006 Members Posted January 10, 2006 Originally posted by embellisher I almost didn't open this thread, for fear that it would have either a goatse pic or a tubgirl pic. things like that would surely result in immediate banning...i hope
Members BigPigPeaches Posted January 10, 2006 Author Members Posted January 10, 2006 Originally posted by mlwarriner things like that would surely result in immediate banning...i hope I don't get it. People are so sensitive about stuff sometimes.
Members Moody Johnny Posted January 11, 2006 Members Posted January 11, 2006 I don't know if I remember it incorrectly but didn't Dr. Kellogg use to flush his patients' colons and replace the "meat bacteria" with YOGHURT? (On a sidenote, his anti-sex comments found on that wikipedia page are deeply disturbing.) I would see simply changing diet as the best way to improve your digestive health. I wouldn't recommend hydrotherapy for a person who already feels healthy, unless they're a porn star.
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