Jump to content

who wants to criticize my application essay?


GMOGreg

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I wrote this in about half and hour and it is a rough draft but I am looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.... thanks in advance. Greg

First the requirements:

PERSONAL STATEMENT
Please do not submit online until your entire application is complete. The personal statement helps us become acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will demonstrate your ability to organize thoughts and express yourself. We are looking for an essay that will help us know you better as a person and as a student. Please write an essay (250-500 words) in response to the questions below:


Please reflect on your reasons for considering a transfer. Why are you transferring? Why was your most recent college not a good fit? What do you know now that you didn't know during your first college search process?

Now the essay:


To answer the question of why I am transferring seems to be simple enough; I am currently attending a Junior College that only allows for the completion of an Associates Degree. However I then came to the question of why I wanted to continue with my education. I currently have not decided what career I want to go into once I complete school. However during a class discussion in Philosophy about the

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

If you ever want to do physics - this worked like a treat:

 

 

Physics, for me has been a life long interest. Some of my earliest memories are of watching documentaries about astronomy. I remember vividly the pictures of Schumacher-levy 9 impacting Jupiter and being fascinated! As I grew older magazines such as

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

"However I then came to the question of why I wanted to continue with my education."

This sentence does not flow, might want to restructure it.

"I currently have not decided what career I want to go into once I complete school."

Maybe say, I have not decided on which career I would like to pursue after college.

"This quote fits in with my view of college, instead of spending my time looking for a career I would rather spend my time learning about things I enjoy and hopefully finding a suitable career in the process."

This sentence is a run on. It needs some work to help with flow. Maybe say something like this, This quotation fits with my personal views of college. Instead of spending time looking for a career at this moment, I would rather spend my time in the classroom focusing on schoowork. As school progresses I hope to find a career that I will later enjoy and excell at.

The key to revision is to read it, and then read it again. If it doesn't flow when you read it, then most likely it doesn't really make sense. If you are still at your college go to the writing center and get help. You are doing fine just need a little revision. Keep at it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

"However I then came to the question of why I wanted to continue with my education."


This sentence does not flow, might want to restructure it.


"I currently have not decided what career I want to go into once I complete school."


Maybe say, I have not decided on which career I would like to pursue after college.


"This quote fits in with my view of college, instead of spending my time looking for a career I would rather spend my time learning about things I enjoy and hopefully finding a suitable career in the process."


This sentence is a run on. It needs some work to help with flow. Maybe say something like this, This quotation fits with my personal views of college. Instead of spending time looking for a career at this moment, I would rather spend my time in the classroom focusing on schoowork. As school progresses I hope to find a career that I will later enjoy and excell at.


The key to revision is to read it, and then read it again. If it doesn't flow when you read it, then most likely it doesn't really make sense. If you are still at your college go to the writing center and get help. You are doing fine just need a little revision. Keep at it.

 

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I know I tend to write run-ons in my rough drafts so I was planning on going over that stuff really well. I'm also wondering how the essay as a whole works... does it sound honest? (it is but I want to make sure it sounds that way) Does each point flow into the next one? etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Personally, using catch phrases like 'thirst for knowledge' really sounds like your trying to write what they want to hear, rather than what you think. Small point I know, but when I read something that sounds like a marketing statement rather than a thought it doesn't sit right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Personally, using catch phrases like 'thirst for knowledge' really sounds like your trying to write what they want to hear, rather than what you think. Small point I know, but when I read something that sounds like a marketing statement rather than a thought it doesn't sit right.

 

 

That's funny, because that was just the first thing to come to my mind, but I can see your point.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

To wrap things up, I am transferring to continue my education and satisfy my thirst for knowledge and critical thinking skills.

 

 

Perhaps use "In conclusion," or something else in place of "to wrap things up." "To wrap things up," sounds fine in spoken english, but written it looks kind of informal IMHO.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Perhaps use "In conclusion," or something else in place of "to wrap things up." "To wrap things up," sounds fine in spoken english, but written it looks kind of informal IMHO.

 

 

Yep, I can see your point, I wasn't too happy with that either but I was trying to get the ideas down... Don't know why I didn't think of "in conclusion" though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I wrote this in about half and hour and it is a rough draft but I am looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.... thanks in advance. Greg

 

First the requirements:

 

PERSONAL STATEMENT

Please do not submit online until your entire application is complete. The personal statement helps us become acquainted with you in ways different from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will demonstrate your ability to organize thoughts and express yourself. We are looking for an essay that will help us know you better as a person and as a student. Please write an essay (250-500 words) in response to the questions below:

 

 

Please reflect on your reasons for considering a transfer. Why are you transferring? Why was your most recent college not a good fit? What do you know now that you didn't know during your first college search process?

 

Now the essay:

 

 

To answer the question of why I am transferring seems to be simple enough; I am currently attending a Junior College that only allows for the completion of an Associates Degree. However I then came to the question of why I wanted to continue with my education. I currently have not decided what career I want to go into once I complete school. However during a class discussion in Philosophy about the

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...