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OT: Joke thread!


RoboChrist

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee

and he sees a sign in front of a broken down

shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He rings

the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog

is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking

Labrador retriever sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep," the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog

talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I

could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help

the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all

they had me jetting from country to country, sitting

in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of

their most valuable spies for eight years running."

 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I

knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to

settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to

do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious

characters and listening in."

 

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded

a batch of medals.

 

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just

retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner

what he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

 

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are

you selling him so cheap?"

 

"Because he's a liar, he didn't do any of that {censored}"

 

:p

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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

 

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

 

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

 

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

 

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

 

A guy with a black eye sits down in a plane next to another guy with a black eye & says, "Wow, man... You have a black eye too. How'd you get yours?" The guys says, "It's a funny story. I went up to the ticket counter and there was a hot blonde and I mistakenly said 'I'd like two pickets to tittsburgh' and she hit me." So the other guy says, "Funny you should say that. A similar thing happened to me. This morning when I left, I meant to say to my wife 'I love you, honey' but instead said, 'You ruined my life you {censored}ing bitch!'"

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Looking into their eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

 

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

 

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

 

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

 

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

 

You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

 

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

 

The new man asked, "What happened?"

 

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

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A 12-year old boy asks a 12-year old girl's father if they could talk.

The man agreed and it turned out the the 12 year old wanted to marry his daughter. The man could hardly believe it!

 

"Where would you live?"

 

"Well, her room is much bigger than my room, plus I have to share a room with my brother, so we thought I could move in all my clothes and just live in her room until we graduate and go to work."

 

"What would you do for money?"

 

"Well, she gets $10 a week allowance, and I get $10 a week allowance, so that would be $80 a month income. We thought that we could pay you some rent and maybe help with the groceries with the rest. In the fall I could rake leaves and in the winter shovel snow and spring and summer mow some lawns. We think we can get by."

 

The father was impressed! Obviously the two kids had really been thinking this out and put some effort into it. Smiling, he asked "What about kids?"

 

The boy shrugged his shoulders and answered, "Well, we've been really lucky so far."

 

 

 

 

*In honor of all the fathers of girls*

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A guy walks into a bar with with an octopus and sits down and orders a drink. At one end of the room is a bandstand with a collection of orchestra instruments. The bartender says "Hey what the heck is that ?" The customer says, " This is a very musical octopus who can play any instrument on that bandstand".

 

The bartender says" Oh yeah, I bet you $20 he can't play the piano."

The customer says" are you kidding ?" and places the octopus on the piano where it played Beethoven's 5th symphony with its 8 tentacles.

 

The bartender says " I'll bet you double or nothing he can't play the drums"

The customer places the octopus on the drums and the beast plays flawless drum solos by Ginger Baker, Buddy Rich, John Bonham and Gene Krupa- all at the same time !!

 

The bartender is really pissed now and goes into a back room and soon emerges with a set of bagpipes, throws them on the floor and says " I'll bet you $200 he can't play those !!"

 

The octopus spies the bagpipes and leaps through the air and lands on the 'pipes and rolls around on the floor knocking over tables and chairs.

 

The bartender says " AH HAH !! He can't play the bagpipes, you owe me $200 !!"

 

The customer says " Wait a second, when he figures out he can't {censored} it, he'll play it !!"

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