Members Svi Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 What will he have to apologize for next that he has ZERO control over? I don't think he's enabling her by being kind and making up for something he did that hurt her. YES-it was not preventable as it happened in his sleep. But YES, she is hurt. When someone is hurt, we (as spouses) should try and make our SO feel better. There are limits to it, but I certainly do not think he is enabling her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members brotherbass Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 Do you give the same advice to the wife when a man is upset over something silly? absolutely. Silly is in the eye of the beholder. What seems silly to you and me may be huge to someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members misterhinkydink Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 Dude, she is hurt and that is not childish, it is to be expected. Taking into account that this was not a great night anyway, she is reacting very normally. I have counseled many couples in similar situations, and the reaction is always a fueled by previous circumstances. (i.e. If all was fine, she would have blown it off in a couple of hours) Tell her you are sorry, and sleep on the couch. Both of these show ownership of the issue and that you agree that you messed up. No one wants to hear someone else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catphish Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 The goal is for this to pass a quickly as possible. The important thing is that they get over this "bump". Seems to me like he should be more concerned with the long term growth of both people and a healthy relationship, not just getting back to the comfort zone as quickly as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members skatalite Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 Maybe she poisoned his food! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members allan grossman Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 No issue to resolve. He did not do this willingly and no malice is involved. Disagree again As you said the problem is perception and GF definitely has an issue here. What seems silly to you and me may be huge to someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members brotherbass Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 Seems to me like he should be more concerned with the long term growth of both people and a healthy relationship, not just getting back to the comfort zone as quickly as possible. I think that I am fostering long term growth, takes more of a man to protect someone else than to protect yourself. She will feel loved and cared for which for her part will provide an environment contusive for long term growth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JacieFB Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 Not at the expense of crazy making. Enabling irrational behavior for the short term gain of making it go away quickly leads to further irrational behavior. What will he have to apologize for next that he has ZERO control over? +1 Seems like a simple, "I'm sorry that you're upset. I didn't mean to say that," should clear it up. Playing into the drama is a good way to perpetuate it. Buying flowers, going out of your way, etc. is just an admission that you feel guilty. Don't. You have to forgive yourself first. If you were with this Jess for a long time, it's gonna leave a dent in your psyche. It's gonna come out in your dreams occasionally, just like occasionally you find yourself in the middle of your 9th grade English class without your pants. Your brain concocts goofy bull{censored} in your sleep. It's life. Take a step back...when she wants to have a conversation about it, be there. Be re-assuring that it's not an admission that you harbor secret thoughts. Bear in mind that even though she should know damn good and well that you don't have anything for this ex, it still stings a bit to hear that. You chasing after her trying to apologize and make up could make it look like you're trying to cover tracks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Kindness Posted July 18, 2007 Moderators Share Posted July 18, 2007 See Kindness I dont see this as crazy making. I agree that you dont enable irrational behavior, but her reaction seems reasionable to me. What did he do? Sleep on the couch? Feel crapy for a day? Not like she is saying that she wants him to move out. Her reaction is expected and understandable. You and I would feel the same way. What I take exception to is your counsel that he needs to own the wrong that he did. He did no wrong. If you said he needs to accept that the circumstances (of which he had no control) led to a situation in which he had to suffer a bit to show he understands her pain and will do whatever he can to show his love and respect, including respecting the fact that she may need a night alone, I'm on board. I'm all about love and respect and understanding and caring in a relationship. The moment this gets posited as he did something wrong, then there is a real problem. This is all coming from my first-hand experience over a decade of enabling my mentally ill wife and taking the blame for things I did not do or could not control. It is more damaging to the relationship and everyone's mental health in the long term to take the burden of being "wrong" when the reality is something different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members brotherbass Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 Disagree again As you said the problem is perception and GF definitely has an issue here. What seems silly to you and me may be huge to someone else. Not GF, wife. the perception is that she felt this was a huge deal, and given the circumstance, I can see her point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members skatalite Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 OK everyone, I'm a clinical and certified psychiatrist and the only possible way to fix this is with pills. Problem solved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members allan grossman Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 YES-it was not preventable as it happened in his sleep. But YES, she is hurt. When someone is hurt, we (as spouses) should try and make our SO feel better. There are limits to it, but I certainly do not think he is enabling her. I can't make my SO feel anything - that's her decision to make But I get your point. I would have drawn the line at being kicked out of bed, personally. If she has an issue she needs to find somewhere else to sleep - unless it's her house. She told him several hours before bedtime that she didn't want him in her bed - in my mind she's hurt, but she's also punishing him. She didn't decide that at bedtime, she decided that the morning before bedtime. I'm an adult. I won't stand for being punished by a SO - that's not her place. I'm as capable of being empathetic as some and more so than most, but like I said, if she doesn't want me in her bed she doesn't want me in the house. I'd have told her I loved her and got a room for the night - if she wants the satisfaction of seeing me suffer then she's definitely not the one for me - someone who loves me doesn't want to see me suffer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Kindness Posted July 18, 2007 Moderators Share Posted July 18, 2007 I don't think he's enabling her by being kind and making up for something he did that hurt her. YES-it was not preventable as it happened in his sleep. But YES, she is hurt. When someone is hurt, we (as spouses) should try and make our SO feel better. There are limits to it, but I certainly do not think he is enabling her. I'm with you 100% as long as he is making up for a bad situation and expressing his understanding of her pain and not because he did something wrong. If her perception is that he {censored}ed up and he needs to be punished, that is childish and wrong. If I accidentally fall down the stairs and bump into you on my way down, I should apologize, I should express my concern over any injury you may have, I should go out of my way to help you recover, but I should not be punished for falling when I clearly was not trying to hurt either one of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JacieFB Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 OK everyone, I'm a cynical and certifiable psychotic and the only possible way to fix this is with pills. Poison her coffee. Problem solved. (I kid.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members allan grossman Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 Not GF, wife. the perception is that she felt this was a huge deal, and given the circumstance, I can see her point. I can also see her point. Doesn't mean she's entitled to mete out punishment for the offense. My sister and her husband each have $100 in a fund so if they ever can't see eye to eye by bedtime one or the other can get a hotel room with the understanding that everybody still loves each other and they can talk when cooler heads can prevail. Although I do understand where the woman got her feelings hurt it's still not up to her to punish hubby. Not now, not ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Kindness Posted July 18, 2007 Moderators Share Posted July 18, 2007 Although I do understand where the woman got her feelings hurt it's still not up to her to punish hubby. Not now, not ever. I really like all of your input on this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members brotherbass Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 This is all coming from my first-hand experience over a decade of enabling my mentally ill wife and taking the blame for things I did not do or could not control. It is more damaging to the relationship and everyone's mental health in the long term to take the burden of being "wrong" when the reality is something different. You are right on point with your post, but I don't think that the situations are comparable. I don't see this as a sign of mental illness on her part and the "wrong" is perception. I am only saying that I know that he did not mean to hurt her, but she got hurt. Let's all agree to disagree on the best way to handle this. I could be wrong. I don't know the couple nor the underlying relationship. My best wishes to them both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catphish Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 I think that I am fostering long term growth, takes more of a man to protect someone else than to protect yourself. She will feel loved and cared for which for her part will provide an environment contusive for long term growth. I disagree with you. What is he protecting her from? Himself? Herself? The pink elephant in the living room? It sounds like your advocating enabling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members allan grossman Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 I really like all of your input on this thread. Great minds think alike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members allan grossman Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 OK everyone, I'm a clinical and certified psychiatrist and the only possible way to fix this is with pills. Problem solved. Fine. I'll take the hilbilly heroin, please. And thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Kindness Posted July 18, 2007 Moderators Share Posted July 18, 2007 You are right on point with your post, but I don't think that the situations are comparable. I don't see this as a sign of mental illness on her part and the "wrong" is perception. I am only saying that I know that he did not mean to hurt her, but she got hurt. Let's all agree to disagree on the best way to handle this. I could be wrong. I don't know the couple nor the underlying relationship. My best wishes to them both. I'm not saying the situations are comparable either. I think I included that to give you the understanding that I am not just running my mouth based on a few moments of thought. This is something I deal with a good portion of every day of my life. I'll agree that wrong is perception, but if guitargod0dmw has to sacrifice his reality to conform to her perception to resolve the issue, there are going to be serious long term consequences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators ThudMaker Posted July 18, 2007 Moderators Share Posted July 18, 2007 It sounds like your advocating enabling.That's the idea behind counseling. The more things you let pass quickly, instead of solving the real issue once and for all, the more repeat business you get. It's good for the wallet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members allan grossman Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 ...I'll agree that wrong is perception, but if guitargod0dmw has to sacrifice his reality to conform to her perception to resolve the issue, there are going to be serious long term consequences. Yup. It's just like quitting an addiction - each time you give yourself permission to compromise yourself it makes it a little easier to do it the next time. The issue here really isn't wifey getting called the wrong name, IM frequently less than HO the issue is rooted a heck of a lot deeper than that. She carries this particular resentment because she chooses to. And that's just opinion. I'm not a doctor but I do play one on television. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ender_rpm Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 She carries this particular resentment because she chooses to. Agreed. Husbands, love your wives, treating them as you would your own bodies. Wives, respect your husbands. (to paraphrase a popular book ) How will she respect him if he allows himself to get pushed around like this? IME, when we have an issue, we talk it out like adults. No one gets "punished" or made to feel inferior. I can admit whenI make a mistake, which I do often, which means when I take a stand on something, my wife respects that and tries to see my point of view. Letting this go one for 2 days is about 47 hours too long, even given the fact there was already an arguement that night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members brotherbass Posted July 18, 2007 Members Share Posted July 18, 2007 I'll agree that wrong is perception, but if guitargod0dmw has to sacrifice his reality to conform to her perception to resolve the issue, there are going to be serious long term consequences. Wow. Just wow. The reality is that something was said and she got hurt. Perhaps I am not making myself clear. We all agree that he should apologize for her being hurt, the only difference is that I say that its o.k. for him to acknowledge the words came out of his mouth. He is not to sacrifice his reality to conform to her perception. Because the reality is. like it or not, the words came out of his mouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.