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colon cleansing


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Paging BPP...



*rummages around in Documents Folder*

ah, yes, here we are...


On a recent trip to Memphis, where Lobo has a friend who knows a guy who nailed an ex-girlfriend who once served Lobo some sake at a geisha house in Toledo, Ohio, a bunch of us stayed at a rather posh lake house for a couple of days on R&R. On this trip, as on many others before it, I had the occasion to sample some of the finer cuisine available in the Memphis area. For instance, there is an establishment there which makes a good burger. As a matter of fact, it's a damn good burger. Indeed, their burgers are so good, they are known as the "Burger King".


As a direct consequence of enjoying this fine meal, and then being in close quarters with good friends, there were some words spoken. And, in the manner of all good friends, I chose to say quite a few of them with my ass. This, in turn, led both Destructo Gobo and Probo Gobo to offer the opinion, "Dude, there is something WRONG with you."


And then we laughed and laughed and laughed. Or maybe I was the only one laughing, I don't really remember that part. But then I started to wonder, "What if something really IS wrong with me?"


So upon my return, I made a momentous decision, and put in a call to a local colon hydrotherapist. The following is a journal of the events leading up to and following that experience:


T minus 24 hours: I place a call to said hydrotherapist, who shall remain nameless. She instructs me not to eat anything for four hours prior to "The Treatment", and gives me detailed instructions on how to get to the facility, hereafter referred to as "The Ass Shack".


T minus one hour: I briefly consider bailing on the whole event, then decide to soldier on.


T minus twenty minutes: I arrive at the Ass Shack, and meet my hydrotherapist. Whoa...hang on a minute...she's pretty damn hot...my emotions are mixed. A discussion ensues on the topic of the how, what, when, and where. Basically she describes the procedure, then leaves the room while I position myself on what can only be described as a Throne of Assitude.


T minus zero: There is a stiff plastic rod stuck up my butt. And the part that's not really funny is, I'm the one who put it there. My nether regions are discreetly covered by a blanket, but I'm butt naked underneath. Upon hearing a prearranged signal from me, my Queen of Colondom comes back in the room, and turns on the water.


T plus 2 minutes: At this point, there is a large amount of filtered water going into an orifice which is traditionally designated as "Exit Only". It's at body temperature, and the only thing I'm really feeling is...well, there's something WRONG with me. Really, REALLY wrong with me.


T plus 3 minutes: As Destructo would say, "My clutch is slipping."


T plus 4 minutes: Mount Vesuvius. Pompeii. St. Helens. Mere blips on the radar compared to the blowout that I experience. To the left and below of The Throne, there is a clear plastic drain pipe, through which my own brand of ass magma is flowing. I am distinctly disappointed. I was really hoping to see that pair of shoes that I lost in the 8th grade.


T plus 45 minutes: The above process has been repeated several times, with varying results, some of which have been a bit more fascinating but never really truly alarming. I start to think, "Maybe there's nothing wrong with me." My Colonic Cleopatra has been checking in on my regularly to make sure that I haven't exploded, and this time when she comes in, I am offered a colon massage. Not really being sure what this entails, I am a little hesitant, but then I figure hey, there's a tube up my butt, this lady knows that I've eaten corn at some point in the last 29 years, and she does this for a living, so I say sure, massage away. Now no way in hell am I going to blow out while she's in the room (because THAT would be in bad taste...), so I am forced to hold it in while she is performing said massage (which, to my relief, is conducted from outside the body). She notices that I am beginning to look a bit like the Michelin Man, and comments upon it, saying "You know, I could keep torturing you like this for a while." I ask if that will cost extra. She leaves the room, barely escaping an episode that would commonly be referred to as a "bowlcoater". It sounds a bit like the final strains of "For Those About to Rock", but oddly, there is no smell.


T plus 55 minutes: I am informed by my Assmaster that the session is concluded, and she again gives me detailed instructions on how to exit the Throne. In short order I am fully dressed and receive my discharge instructions (no pun intended).


T plus 64 minutes: As I am leaving the building, my colon lets me know that I have not successfully completed the evacuation. A nearby bathroom feels my wrath.


T plus 3 hours: Feeling pretty good, except I'm having to piss like a pregnant racehorse.


T plus 12 hours: Some residual effluvium. And let me tell you, it smells none too good.


T plus 24 hours: I am somewhat relieved to find out that I can now enjoy my favorite pasttime (baking brownies) without fear of adverse effects (i.e. trouser chili). However, I am a bit alarmed that these particular efforts seem to have absolutely no odor.


T plus 30 hours: Still no odor. I am growing more concerned. What if there was nothing wrong with me to begin with, but now there is? I mean, I know that nothing that comes out of my ass has ever smelled like roses, but it's always had SOME stank on it.


T plus 48 hours: I have not had any sort of meaningful time in the bathroom since "The Session". Moreover, there is still no funk from the basement. What have I done to myself? Will I ever recover?


T plus 60 hours: Burger King.


T plus 67.5 hours: Oh my god, what have I done? I've lost my special powers! No! No! Damn you, Colon Lady! I lose several days of work, lying on the floor in a fetal position. My mom calls. I don't care. The IRS calls. I tell them to blow me. The Red Cross calls. I tell them to {censored} off. I am lost...lost...

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You mean like, Detoxing?


Cleaning out your organs?


Sure, I'm wiccan. Haha.




Go about 1-2 weeks without Dairy and Red Meet and Sugar and caffeine and Cocai-- I mean, and bread DOES count as a don't eat it.


Eat salads, drink water, Veggies, etc.


And you should've cleaned your insides out pretty well.

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So long as you don't do it more than once in a great while, it can be beneficial, but don't do it for 'weight loss' reasons, it's6 or 7 pounds you'll gain back as soon as you've filled your digestive tract......


I keep a high fiber diet, Lots of vegetables, cracked wheat breads, keep yourself active (not that I'm a fitness trainer or anything..... quite happily round at the moment...)


I've used Sculpt 'n' Cleanse after periods when my diet was not sufficient...... somewhat more natural, but at times similar to the experience outlined above........ just have to stay near a crapper....

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I think Penn and Teller's act could use a super colon cleansing. I don't find their humor funny in the least.



Never thought they were funny, at all, not even a grin.


You want something that will work fast? Go to any drug store and ask for a colon prep and they will show you the Tri-Sodium Phosphate.


I used it for a screening colonoscopy, presrcibed by the physicians office. It works in a big way in 30 minutes or less and keeps on working for the rest of the day so don't make plans that day. :thu: :thu:

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I always find it funny when you hear these snake-oil salesmen do the "oh, this will get rid of all the toxins in your system".


Ok, what toxins? How does any of these procedures or special pills or water they're selling get rid of specific toxins? Is it the same exact way that an emergency room would use to victims of industrial accidents? How do they get rid of THOSE toxins out of a system? Do they use your product to do this?


Yeah...I thought so...

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