Members willsellout Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Ever since we had our daughter things have been different. I feel like I know you guys pretty well so I'm gonna be completely honest here. Once my daughter came, I had trouble adjusting for a couple months. Once I got used to the idea things started to improve a bit. Well the past month or two my wife has been a mess doing things and acting in ways she never really has. She's testy with our daughter a lot more, she's crazy moody with me and seems as though she's miserable. I carpool to work so she can have the car to go places and get out of the house, which she doesn't do. It doesn't help that she's an introvert. I mean she talks online with local Coast Guard wives all the time but they never actually get together even though they live 5 minutes from us. I mean WTF? She is telling me that she needs "me" time and that I don't help with our daughter enough. Although I'm up at 5:30 every morning to go to work, then come home clean the kitchen, cook, and then clean the kitchen again. Most of the time I don't get to sit down until about 8pm. But I'm not doing enough to help her out? I woke up yesterday at 7 when our daughter woke up and got up with her and fed her and hung out until about 9 to give my wife a break. What does she say? "You need to do that more often". Once again WTF? I don't want to get into a pissing match with her over who does more but for christs sake, I wake up 2 hours before she does in the morning, I have a busy and stressful job, and then I do all the cooking; and were not talking mac and cheese. I design menu's and prep and cook healthy and tasty food if I do say so myself. Yeah I don't do a whole lot with my daughter such as feedings and putting her to bed, but I do make the bottles, play with her, and offer help when I can. I feel for my wife but I have to think some of it is her own doing. I make the mistake of telling her that and get an earful of how she doesn't know anyone..well how do you get to know people without hanging out with them? Someone's gotta make the first move; call them and go hang out!I'm a creature of habit, I like to know what's going on and like to count on it. Every day I'm not sure what I'm coming home to with both my wife and my daughter and it sucks. Oh yeah and sex? Not so much. Maybe once a month, maybe being the operative word..I've gone as long as two months. If there were any doubts about having any more kids in the future they are quelled now. There is no {censored}ing way I'd go through this again. Anyway, thanks for reading, feel free to post advice; especially from the female perspective because right now I'm pretty irritated. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members zachoff Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Tough situation, man. Her thinking I didn't do enough around the house and wit the kids was a big big factor in our divorce. That and the fact I think she was banging the neighbor, but that's beside this point. The fact of the matter is I did a lot and it seems you do a lot too. Keep a journal... Keep a list of what you did around the house and with the kids every day for a couple weeks and just show her. Also, you both need to get off of the subject of doing something "for her" or "for you". You're a family, and with that comes shared responsibilities. Once you start doing things "for each other" spitefulness and scorekeeping ensues and unhappiness soon after that. I think the biggest thing going on right now is depression. Many women go into depression after having a baby & that might be happening with her. I'd try to slyly suggest counseling for her or for both of you. Couldn't hurt other than costing a few $$. Adjusting to kids is a huge deal. Granted, the first three or so years are tougher than the following 10ish, but yeah... Basically, you both need to think of things as doing it for the family and not for each other. My $.02 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RockBass Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Sounds like some textbook symptoms of post-partum depression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mellobud Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Sounds like she is depressed... You should see if she will work out with you or in her free time...It increases the endorphins and will make her feel better about herself in turn making you feel better for her (Might boost the sex drive too). You should talk to her about how all this makes you feel. You have needs just like her. or you could go to the doctor and have him give pills..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Svi Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 As a woman who accuses her husband of the exact same thing, I know what she is going through (minus the baby). We just got back from our child prep classes this morning and may I suggest that she might be battling some form of post partum depression? I learned today that it's more common than I thought and some of the things you mentioned really sound like what they were talking about today. I find myself accusing my husband of not ever helping, but when I think about it (sometimes) he really does-I just need to bitch or vent OR feel appreciated, which is the biggest thing. We need to know that we're doing a good job and we feel the stress and pressure to do everything. And when something small gets done, it's never enough. That's just how it is. I love the nights when I come home from a really long day and everything has been done, but how quickly I forget about it a few days later when I come home and NOTHING has been done. We don't have our baby yet, but preparation stress has taken effect big time, so I can semi relate. I can tell you right now your wife is just stressed out from the every day happenings of a baby. Not only that, she feels like she has to take care of everything else-no matter what. I would suggest to keep offering your help, don't do things half assed, and do your very best to appreciate the things that she does do. Remember her hormones are just now starting to go back to normal. She might be just as sad as you-you're relationship is changing and that effects her as well. One thing that you can do is have a date night once every two weeks or so. Find someone to watch the baby (as hard as it might be emotionally) and go out-the TWO of you and don't worry about the baby. You are still married and you both need to make an effort to "fall in love again". The one thing our pediatrician told us when we went in for the interview "don't stop dating". Yes your daughter is your number one priority right now, but where will she be without you guys?I'm sure I'll be begging for everyone's help in a few months myself, but my advice comes from a woman's standpoint which could help you a little bit, even if we are all crazy. Maybe you can surprise your wife with the baby at a sitter's house, homemade dinner, and then send her out for a spa or something like that. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jasper383 Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 She does sound like she has Post Partum Depression. This is a real disease. Is she willing to explore medical advice? Also, division of labor is the issue once a couple has children. In our house, it became known as "The Fight". Discuss it, and don't ever shut down on the issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members marko46 Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Sounds like some textbook symptoms of post-partum depression. Sorry guys, I'm not usually on here, but I saw this. I friggin' guarantee Rockbass is right. Been through it twice w/ two different women and till she gets herself some help, there's not a thing you can do to make her happy. Sometimes they go psycho- one of mine did and damn near threw boiling potatoes on me. That woulda left a scare. Oh and one final thing, if she goes on the anti-depressant train, make sure it's not one that removes the want or need for sex completely or you'll be lucky to get laid once every six months, no maybe once a year, no maybe never. Later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members willsellout Posted August 5, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Sorry guys, I'm not usually on here, but I saw this. I friggin' guarantee Rockbass is right. Been through it twice w/ two different women and till she gets herself some help, there's not a thing you can do to make her happy. Sometimes they go psycho- one of mine did and damn near threw boiling potatoes on me. That woulda left a scare. Oh and one final thing, if she goes on the anti-depressant train, make sure it's not one that removes the want or need for sex completely or you'll be lucky to get laid once every six months, no maybe once a year, no maybe never. Later There is zero chance of her going on anti depressant medication. They refer to Paxil as "the divorce drug" for a reason. I'm going to speak to her about going to counseling. The Coast Guard has a lot of resources. I just know that I won't live like this forever. She's definitely not herself and I can't take on many more roles than I already do. We agreed a long time ago I would be the provider and she would be the caregiver. Right now she wants me to be both. I have two major milestones in my career coming up this year that I have to prepare for and I can't do it with this {censored} going on. I agree with the excersize thing. She has mentioned about joining the gym I go to a couple times but when I ask her about it she says she doesn't want to go alone or one or two other excuses. I've dealt with depression my whole life and know a couple things:1. Drugs aren't necessary (I know I was on Paxil for two years and it took another year to ween myself off) 2. Excersize is a key to staying healthy.3. You have to have your own life outside of your relationship.4. Counseling works.I am working with her on two of these and counseling will be broached today. It's just crazy how a child has the ability to completely ruin a person or relationship so easily. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members zachoff Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 It's just crazy how a child has the ability to completely ruin a person or relationship so easily. Dan They also have the ability to bring out the absolute best in someone. Hang in there, man. As long as you care enough to fix it, there's a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bassred Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Man, I feel for you! I;ve got some of the same issues, just no kids, my wife doesn't go out and meet people but coplain that se has no friends..... woman, can't live with them , can't live without them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Svi Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 There are numerous drugs a woman can take for post partum depression, if that's what it is. I was close minded about this disease until this very morning. And it's not the child that has the potential to make a break a relationship, it's the two parties in the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mellobud Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 go work out with her...Bonding time, being around each other but doing your own thing. Im sure there are baby/mother exercise programs if she didnt want to go the other route. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members willsellout Posted August 5, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 There are numerous drugs a woman can take for post partum depression, if that's what it is. I was close minded about this disease until this very morning. And it's not the child that has the potential to make a break a relationship, it's the two parties in the relationship. No drugs. Of course it's not the child, its the act of having the child and the changes that take place. Then of course it's adjusting to taking care of a living being. Trust me, nothing can prepare you for actually being responsible for another life. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members willsellout Posted August 5, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 They also have the ability to bring out the absolute best in someone. Hang in there, man. As long as you care enough to fix it, there's a chance. Yeah..I'm not going anywhere. Divorce isn't an option and even if it was I'm not even thinking about it. I'm thinking about ways to fix it. Oh and there's no real way to drop the baby off at someone's house..we are definitely not comfortable with that nor do we trust anyone enough. We did get a chance to do that when we went home to Cali, we let her family watch her a few times. I'm thinking it might benefit her to go home. {censored} at this point I would let her go home and I could just take some leave and take care of Kaylee for a few days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bassius Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 call Dr. Laura...i'm serious. I hear stories like this all the time... She'd kick your wife's ass... do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Deacon_blue Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Did your wife ever cook supper?Helping out with the meals once a week or going out for a meal for relief is fine, but I'd be upset if she pulled this stunt every night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tylytle Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Sounds like some textbook symptoms of post-partum depression. +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members willsellout Posted August 5, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Did your wife ever cook supper?Helping out with the meals once a week or going out for a meal for relief is fine, but I'd be upset if she pulled this stunt every night. No, she doesn't cook. She just takes care of our daughter and does a bit of cleaning. I just started having her do the grocery shopping as well. I enjoy cooking, love it actually, so it's not a big deal. But it does occupy at least two hours out of my day after work to prepare and then another 1/2 hour to clean up afterwards. The way I see it is like this:She wakes up 1-2 hours after I do, and the rest of the day is occupied by her online scrap booking mixed with Kaylee's feedings and changings. Our daughter is not difficult to take care of at 9 months. She has her moments, but overall she's easy. It seems to me that my wife has a lot of free time..much more than I do. She has the car so she's free to leave and go out if she wanted to, she's free to nap when our daughter naps, she's free to do what she wants really. But she doesn't take advantage of it and then I come home and she wants a break? I don't know, I'm a guy and I know what I'd do in her situation but she doesn't take my advice well..she says it's more like criticism. I guess I can see her point, but her attitude affects my attitude and I'm tired of being on edge every day. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Adrenochrome Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 My wife was exactly like this after our first baby and it was pretty damn tough on me. Prozac helped her at the time and she took it no longer than she had to. She has coped with our 2nd child much better and our house is full of laughter and smiles now. Don't underestimate how debilitating post-natal depression can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pbass_groovin Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 Sorry Dan. It does sound like depression. Don't let it go on without seeking help. My wife has been going to counseling for about 6 months now and it has helped to some degree with her. She has been depressed off and on for 6 months or so. We don't have kids. Both her biological parents (divorced) and brother are alcoholics but refuse to admit it. Just recently, they have made their addictions public through their actions (long story). Her father lives in another state and rarely talks to her. Her mother has multiple, unhealthy addictions....too many to go into. She wants to have a "normal" family and I keep telling her she is the one who has to break the cycle and be different from the rest of her family. I tell her she has the choice to let her parents decisions affect the way she lives her life or not. We have a great marriage, IMHO...cook, clean, & shop together, resolve arguments peacefully, awesome sex, etc. Today she informed me she wants to quit her job, leave me, and do something (I don't know what) to act out so people (her family) will pay attention to her. I keep telling her she will only be hurting herself and me. She thinks this will show her parents and brother how much they have hurt her. So I finally got her out of bed this morning and we went to the store and planned our dinner menu for the upcoming week...yeah we're nerds. After getting out of the house, eating some chocolate (always helps), and keeping the conversation about positive things, she is doing better at the moment. Tomorrow may be different, but tomorrow isn't here yet and may never arrive. Today is all we got. Take is one day at a time, get professional help, and do something fun together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members catphish Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 You should see if she will work out with you or in her free time. While I agree this would be beneficial. I'd advise you to be VERY VERY VERY careful how you go about suggesting it. Doing it together would be the way to go. If you don't have them, maybe get some bikes and one of those little baby trailers, and go on bike rides together. It's exercise and sort romantic in the right locations. Find active things you can do together. I'm terrified of being a parent and the hour is drawing near. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jasper383 Posted August 5, 2007 Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 It appears you have a very negative attitude toward antidepressants. That's you. Your wife is entirely a different person, with a different chemical makeup affecting her. You shouldn't cancel out an avenue that may help because of your own negative experiences/biases. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members willsellout Posted August 5, 2007 Author Members Share Posted August 5, 2007 It appears you have a very negative attitude toward antidepressants. That's you. Your wife is entirely a different person, with a different chemical makeup affecting her. You shouldn't cancel out an avenue that may help because of your own negative experiences/biases. Nope not just me, she does as well. She took Paxil for two weeks and it made her paranoid to the point of obsession and gave her a weird skin rash that acts up when she's stressed (we share this rash, neither of us had it before Paxil). Science doesn't know enough to be screwing with the chemicals in your body. Not to mention there are other ways to beat depression, many of them have already been mentioned. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Kindness Posted August 6, 2007 Moderators Share Posted August 6, 2007 There is a medical issue here that needs to be dealt with as quickly as possible for the safety of everyone in the family. I speak from experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhat Posted August 6, 2007 Members Share Posted August 6, 2007 my ex wife was like that ...... my daugher is now 28 ,, my ex wife is still like that ... only now she is making a different man miserable. rat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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