Members Jim-Bass Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Here are some I was just sent:(apologies if you've heard them before - I hadn't) Q: What's the difference between a bass guitar and an onion?A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bass. Q: What did the bass player get on his I.Q. Test?A: Saliva. Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?A: Homeless. Q: What's the difference between a bass guitar player and a large pizza?A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. Q: Why do bass players leave their cases on the dashboard?A: So they can park in the handicapped zones. Q: How does a bass player Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DevilRaysFan Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 You forgot: Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?A:0- a good keyboard player can do it with his left hand Q: Whats the difference between an upright bass and an electric bass?A: The upright burns longer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Emprov Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Q: Didja hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? A: It took him a half hour to get the drummer out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roguetitan Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 THAT SHIT AINT FUNNY MAN! I dont know why I am laughing my ass off:confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Trauma_Luna Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 look ! is cliff burton tryin to play like jesus !! noo man ! is jesus tryin to play like cliff burton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rowka Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 You forgot:Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?A:0- a good keyboard player can do it with his left hand Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None. Bass players aren't afraid of the dark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thelurker Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 An anthropologist reaches a remote Pacific island. When he arrives, he hears drums playing. This continued for the entire first day, so he goes to the local chief and says "Hey! I've heard these drums all day. Do they ever stop?", to which the chief says "Ungh. Drums stop, very bad." The anthropologist asks further, but can get no other answer from the chief, or for that matter, from anybody else. For a week, the drums play all day and all night. Finally, Friday afternoon, the drums suddenly stop, and it gets eerily quiet. The anthropologist, suddenly afraid for what this might mean, goes to the chief and says "Hey! I noticed the drums have stopped". "Ungh. Very bad" say the chief. "Why? What happens now?" says the anthropologist. "Ungh. Bass solo." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members picker13 Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 THE CURSE OF THE BASS PLAYER In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...definitely pre- C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. and lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon' the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members chunky-b Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Bass Player and his girlfriend run into a dentist office. He yells at the dentist that he does not have time for anethesia or shots. He has a gig in 30 minutes and just needs the damn tooth pulled NOW! The dentist admires his devotion to his trade and thinks what a brave guy he is to go through this with no anesthesia. So he hurredly asks "Which tooth is it?" The bass player turns to his girlsfriend and says, "Open up and show him, honey!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rummy Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Great stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members slapthefunkyfour Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a bass guitar?A: You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrcrow Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 here's a drummer one the drummer goes into a shop and says.. i want some instruments for my band..i will have that trumpet and that accordion the shopkeeper says..hey you must be the drummer how did you know well...i can sell you the fire extinguisher but i am not taking the radiator off the wall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JacieFB Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Did you hear about the bassist who walked past the bar?? ....it could happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mrcrow Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 Did you hear about the bassist who walked past the bar??....it could happen. i heard about the bassist who walked into a barand woke up in hospital:idea: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rpsands Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 I'll throw the country bassist joke in here for fun (it's in another thread): "How many country bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "Hmmm, maybe one? No, no, five. No...one. Oh man, it's gotta be five...or one? five?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members slapthefunkyfour Posted August 16, 2007 Members Share Posted August 16, 2007 I'll throw the country bassist joke in here for fun (it's in another thread):"How many country bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?""Hmmm, maybe one? No, no, five. No...one. Oh man, it's gotta be five...or one? five?" How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Zero. They have computers to do it now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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