Bass Player Jokes

[Jim-Bass]

Here are some I was just sent:

(apologies if you've heard them before - I hadn't)

 

Q: What's the difference between a bass guitar and an onion?

A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.

 

Q: What did the bass player get on his I.Q. Test?

A: Saliva.

 

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

 

Q: What's the difference between a bass guitar player and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

 

Q: Why do bass players leave their cases on the dashboard?

A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

 

Q: How does a bass player

[DevilRaysFan]

You forgot:

 

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:0- a good keyboard player can do it with his left hand

 

Q: Whats the difference between an upright bass and an electric bass?

A: The upright burns longer

[Emprov]

Q: Didja hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

A: It took him a half hour to get the drummer out.

[Roguetitan]

THAT SHIT AINT FUNNY MAN!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I dont know why I am laughing my ass off:confused:

 

[Trauma_Luna]

look ! is cliff burton tryin to play like jesus !!

noo man ! is jesus tryin to play like cliff burton

[Rowka]

 

You forgot: Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? A:0- a good keyboard player can do it with his left hand

 

 

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Bass players aren't afraid of the dark.

[thelurker]

An anthropologist reaches a remote Pacific island. When he arrives, he hears drums playing. This continued for the entire first day, so he goes to the local chief and says "Hey! I've heard these drums all day. Do they ever stop?", to which the chief says "Ungh. Drums stop, very bad." The anthropologist asks further, but can get no other answer from the chief, or for that matter, from anybody else.

 

For a week, the drums play all day and all night. Finally, Friday afternoon, the drums suddenly stop, and it gets eerily quiet. The anthropologist, suddenly afraid for what this might mean, goes to the chief and says "Hey! I noticed the drums have stopped". "Ungh. Very bad" say the chief. "Why? What happens now?" says the anthropologist.

 

 

"Ungh. Bass solo."

 

[picker13]

THE CURSE OF THE BASS PLAYER

 

In the beginning there was a bass.

 

It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz -

nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...definitely pre- C.B.S.

 

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was

very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men

would later try.)

 

And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. and lo

the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,

and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note

rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments

(thus reverb came to be.)

 

And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his

handiwork.

 

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo

it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go."

And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to

do, the man came to practice upon the bass.

 

And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he

did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze

through the heavens.

 

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which

had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement

of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so

pleased.

 

And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the

voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he

slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens

shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of

the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

 

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became

Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I

wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the

bass parts."

 

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it.

But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high.

The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created.

And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play

melodies high upon' the neck.

 

And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the

Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks.

And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled

and rolled.

 

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the

man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I

shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you

can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth

the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache,

and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

 

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps

to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other

instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster

than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be

this: that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player,

for the low notes.

 

And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow"

but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're

ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their

bands.

 

And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you

shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you

finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go

to the bar for a drink."

 

And it was so.

[chunky-b]

Bass Player and his girlfriend run into a dentist office. He yells at the dentist that he does not have time for anethesia or shots. He has a gig in 30 minutes and just needs the damn tooth pulled NOW!

 

The dentist admires his devotion to his trade and thinks what a brave guy he is to go through this with no anesthesia. So he hurredly asks "Which tooth is it?"

 

The bass player turns to his girlsfriend and says, "Open up and show him, honey!"

[rummy]

Great stuff.

[slapthefunkyfour]

Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a bass guitar?

A: You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

[mrcrow]

 

here's a drummer one

 

the drummer goes into a shop and says..

i want some instruments for my band..i will have that trumpet and that accordion

the shopkeeper says..hey you must be the drummer

how did you know

well...i can sell you the fire extinguisher but i am not taking the radiator off the wall

[JacieFB]

Did you hear about the bassist who walked past the bar??

 

 

....it could happen.

[mrcrow]

 

Did you hear about the bassist who walked past the bar??....it could happen.

 

 

i heard about the bassist who walked into a bar

and woke up in hospital:idea:

[rpsands]

I'll throw the country bassist joke in here for fun (it's in another thread):

 

 

 

"How many country bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

 

"Hmmm, maybe one? No, no, five. No...one. Oh man, it's gotta be five...or one? five?"

[slapthefunkyfour]

 

I'll throw the country bassist joke in here for fun (it's in another thread): "How many country bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" "Hmmm, maybe one? No, no, five. No...one. Oh man, it's gotta be five...or one? five?"

 

 

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

Zero. They have computers to do it now.