Members Incubitabus Posted January 14, 2008 Members Share Posted January 14, 2008 I wrote a short script for a film competition that I missed the deadline for. I think its one of my stronger pieces to date, but I'd like some critiques from others about it. Its just 5 1/2 pages. Anyone want to help out? I'll only post it if someone is willing to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Super Bass Posted January 14, 2008 Members Share Posted January 14, 2008 Sure, throw it up here. I'd love to have a read of it. I've done a good bit of acting, though mainly on stage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 14, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 14, 2008 Here it is. Keep in mind that the viewer does not hear Oscar's name until near the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 14, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 14, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 14, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 14, 2008 pmuB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members collinwho Posted January 14, 2008 Members Share Posted January 14, 2008 I'm not going to read in on the computer, but I'd love to read it if you could send it to me. PM me for my email address. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 15, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 Check yo Mail! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Super Bass Posted January 15, 2008 Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 pmuB. Sorry I read half of it when I was in work earlier, I had to leave because it got too late. Busy time of the month. I just reread the whole lot, I think its good. Kinda quirky the way its about itself. You say that the viewer doesn't hear Oscar's name until the end but I don't see it mentioned even at the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 15, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 I said "hear" and I meant "Understand". The Characters are revealed to both be "real" in the end, whereas I intend the rest of the piece to make Oscar seem Real and Andrea seem fictional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Super Bass Posted January 15, 2008 Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 I said "hear" and I meant "Understand". The Characters are revealed to both be "real" in the end, whereas I intend the rest of the piece to make Oscar seem Real and Andrea seem fictional. Oops, my bad. It makes a lot more sense now. I like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 15, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 cool. I need to figure out how to make thoose transitions more apparent on paper... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PaulyWally Posted January 15, 2008 Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 cool. I need to figure out how to make thoose transitions more apparent on paper... Not necessarily. A lot of writers make the mistake of trying to do all the screenplay, storyboard, and direction in the script. Don't get me wrong, I've acted from scripts like that. But the director usually had "comments" about that type of writer. But it does work easier when the script is feature length. Of course, this is all stage experience talking. And I am by no means a professional. But out of the few movie scripts I've looked at, I haven't seen too much of it in those either. From my experiences on stage, the writer's job is to create vivid characters and interesting dialog. It's the director's job to make the characters and the dialog come to life. And you can always do both, but FMPO you want to keep those roles separate... especially when writing. Just some things to think about. Other than that, I think it was good. You got me within the first 2 or 3 pages, and that's what's important. And the ending was cool! I kinda saw it coming... but it was... I dunno... it seemed real. The story developed into something I think everyone can relate to. And that's the hook in fiction. The only suggestion I would make, is to fine tune Riley's dialogue just a little bit. With the right actor, it could work as is. But you're showing me a guy that is fanatical and probably obsessive. He's king in his world and he'll always let you know that. And even if Oscar did do a good job, Riley would still say it's crap... but hand it in anyway knowing it's good. When I read it, I immediately thought about J.K. Simmons (playing JJ Jameson) in Spiderman. Like I said, I think it's good as is. But if you are going to tweak it, take some time to yourself to develop Riley's character a little more (if you haven't already). Then pop in a few zingers that you think a guy like that would say. The way I see it, he's not the star... but he'll make or break the show. Just my .02 Nice work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 15, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 Not necessarily. A lot of writers make the mistake of trying to do all the screenplay, storyboard, and direction in the script. Don't get me wrong, I've acted from scripts like that. But the director usually had "comments" about that type of writer. But it does work easier when the script is feature length. Of course, this is all stage experience talking. And I am by no means a professional. But out of the few movie scripts I've looked at, I haven't seen too much of it in those either. From my experiences on stage, the writer's job is to create vivid characters and interesting dialog. It's the director's job to make the characters and the dialog come to life. And you can always do both, but FMPO you want to keep those roles separate... especially when writing. Just some things to think about. Other than that, I think it was good. You got me within the first 2 or 3 pages, and that's what's important. And the ending was cool! I kinda saw it coming... but it was... I dunno... it seemed real. The story developed into something I think everyone can relate to. And that's the hook in fiction. The only suggestion I would make, is to fine tune Riley's dialogue just a little bit. With the right actor, it could work as is. But you're showing me a guy that is fanatical and probably obsessive. He's king in his world and he'll always let you know that. And even if Oscar did do a good job, Riley would still say it's crap... but hand it in anyway knowing it's good. When I read it, I immediately thought about J.K. Simmons (playing JJ Jameson) in Spiderman. Like I said, I think it's good as is. But if you are going to tweak it, take some time to yourself to develop Riley's character a little more (if you haven't already). Then pop in a few zingers that you think a guy like that would say. The way I see it, he's not the star... but he'll make or break the show. Just my .02 Nice work! I appreciate the comments. I actually wrote Riley specifically for a friend of mine, so I wrote it to fit his style. Hes not so direct (JK Simmons), more of an abrasive front, but with a caring motive (Think John C. McGinley in Scrubs, Office Space, etc.). I also wrote this to contain the required elements for a film competition that i missed the deadline for, so I am glad that those elements aren't obviously out of place... And just an idea of why you knew what was going on: you knew Oscar's name from the get-go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PaulyWally Posted January 15, 2008 Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 more of an abrasive front, but with a caring motive (Think John C. McGinley in Scrubs, Office Space, etc.) I can see that. That's a nice touch! And just an idea of why you knew what was going on: you knew Oscar's name from the get-go. Uh Yeah... It certainly helps when the names are on the script. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 15, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 15, 2008 Uh Yeah... It certainly helps when the names are on the script. you are the fifth person to tell me they "figured it out early on", so don't feel bad that I have a response damn near pre-written. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 16, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 16, 2008 anyone else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members collinwho Posted January 16, 2008 Members Share Posted January 16, 2008 I'm doing a second reading right now. Overall, I think it is very good. The characters come across well and generally the dialog is very relaxed/realistic. I do think that maybe the Riley character is a bit too extreme. The rest of the characters are based very much in reality, while he is somewhat of a caricature. I understand the idea of having him be similar to the guy in scrubs, or whats-his-name in spiderman, but both of those characters are surrounding by other characters who are extreme examples of their traits, while the rest of your characters are much more subtle. Of course, you couldn't pull him back too far, or it wouldn't be as apparent that this guy is just a real ass. Personally, I would like 1 or 2 more . . . clues, not quite the right word, but I can't think of a better one . . . to show that Oscar's script is based on his real life (or his fiancees). There are really three main things that reveal that connection at the end, his name, the flower shop, and the argument. I think one more subtle clue would be good to make it slightly more obvious without just spelling it out. I think of it this way, if my mom and sister are watching this, will they get the connection? They don't pay attention to movies the same way I do, so sometimes thinks need to be a little more apparent for them to get it. I wouldn't suggest that you dumb it down to the lowest common denominator, but maybe making it slightly more accessible wouldn't hurt. Really, I'm just being nitpicky, though, this was very good. I really like how you write dialog, it is very natural. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Incubitabus Posted January 17, 2008 Author Members Share Posted January 17, 2008 Good! I always hate it when stuff feels forced in films. I figure the first place to avoid it is the script... Thanks for the critique! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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