addict drummer

[axe2 2001]

I have a {censored}ty situation with our drummer and long time friend(25 yrs). First let me say He and I always partied hard.. drinkin... smokin... snortin.... years ago. I still smoke and drink on the weekends but there is no way I could still afford that lifestyle. I grew up, bought a house, got married etc...

That being said, heres the deal. About 10 years ago he started getting into pills. Any pills, all pills. I told him many times that I don't like that {censored} and eventually he kept to himself about it. LOng story short, He's into oxy's, heroin, and some other funky {censored} he snorts. And probably just about anything he can get. Here's where I really have a problem, he's a father to not only his wife's 3 kids but they have a 1 year old together. He lost his job 8 months ago and somehow got unemployment. He's not looking for another job. Meanwhile his wife works her ass off.

Fast forward again... He's in rehab now and claims he's off everthing but I know the guy and he's geeked to the 9's half the time I see him. Our band is on shakey ground, The other members are not as forgiving as I am. He's had several REALLY BAD shows, etc.. I have confronted him several times but things seem to be getting worse. Part of his rehab is that they give him methadone. I just see it as swapping one for the other. I ask him how he's doing all the time and he says great but when I ask him about getting compleatly sober he acts like thats not part of the program.

 

He's a great guy and he's a really solid drummer when he's not {censored}ed up. And he's a great friend too. Thats what makes it hard for me to walk away from it. I've confronted him to a point but I never really gave any ultimatums. I'm not sure if i'm looking for advice on this. I know what I should do but it's tough. I just really don't need the drama any more. Anyone been here?? Got a big show tonight. Hope he's ok.

[lewie]

Never been there myself but I`ve heard of similar situations in my area.

 

You just have to support him, Don`t give up on him, he`s gonna need all the friends he can can get if he carrys on like this.

 

As regards the band, There is nothing worse than an off form drummer, I guess you`ll have to try and decide whats more important to you, the band or your friend.

 

Good luck man.

[greaseenvelope]

Been in this situation with an amazing guitarist whose replacement I have never been able to find. But he stole from our drummer and his best friend at the time and that was the last straw of many, so we had to kick him out of our band and our lives. Moved back to Texas when his mealticket (girlfriend's patience) ran out. Didn't have kids though (thank god!). I wish I had the balls and the resources back then to do something about his problem before it was too late but bottom line is people have to make their own choices. Unfortunately I think that the drugs kept him from seeing how our reaction to him was the consequence of his actions.

[Deef]

 

Originally posted by axe2 2001 when I ask him about getting compleatly sober he acts like thats not part of the program.

 

 

Boot him. Tell him to come back when sobriety is part of the program. I'm sorry, but unless you do that you are enabling him. Being in a band is an environment that he associates with drug use. It's the lifestyle. You have to take that away from him. And tell him that the reason he is losing this important part of his life is because of his drug use. He may blame you for a long time--he still sounds like he's in denial, that "the program" will take care of him. He needs to take responsibility.

 

 

I've confronted him to a point but I never really gave any ultimatums.

 

 

He needs to experience the consequences of his actions. You do him no favors with empty threats. You cannot support him by allowing him to continue on his current path.

 

Deef

[Lee Flier]

Yeah, I agree with deef, unfortunately.

 

I've been there, done that way too many times in the past with too many bandmates. Some of them survived and cleaned up, a few didn't. I'm not sure what anybody could have done to help those who didn't; we all tried but people do ultimately make their own choices and some can never be helped. All they do is drain those around them.

 

I'd say that you should let this guy know you're still his friend and you'll support him in any recovery efforts, but you can't play with him anymore in his present condition.

 

That just sucks dude, I know how hard that is and I feel for you.

[axe2 2001]

Well, the gig last night went very good. He played great and didn't seem messed up. Funny about the timing on this post, his buddy that he used to run with died a while back and people suspected it was dope. Well it was. I talked to the guys brother last night. You would hope that he'll see where he's heading if he doesn't shape up. We had planned to start a side project doin some blues tunes but I've really had it with this. I'm gonna tell him we have to put things on hold until he gets his life together. Our main band isn't giggin for a few months because our other guitar player is doing some traveling for his job. This will be a good time to really air this out. I guess I knew what I have to do but when it's in black and white , it makes it that much more obvious what has to happen. I think he respects me alot and maybe by really layin it out for him, he'll realize the seriousness of his situation and in the long run will help him. Thanks for your words guys.

[mstreck]

If he is your friend, then GET HIM HELP RIGHT NOW!

 

Mike

[corngoodness]

My cousin has a beautiful singing voice. She gets asked to sing at weddings all the time. She's in rehab for the 4th or 5th time now. Its breaking my {censored}ing heart. Prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers. Downers of any kind.

 

She keeps losing her nursing liscence and they keep giving it back when she gets out of rehab. She lies and has been caught stealing drugs from the hospital. She's a very good surgery nurse and all the doctors ask for her, so they keep re-hiring her.

[elbow]

 

Originally posted by corngoodness My cousin has a beautiful singing voice. She gets asked to sing at weddings all the time. She's in rehab for the 4th or 5th time now. Its breaking my {censored}ing heart. Prescription pain killers and muscle relaxers. Downers of any kind. She keeps losing her nursing liscence and they keep giving it back when she gets out of rehab. She lies and has been caught stealing drugs from the hospital. She's a very good surgery nurse and all the doctors ask for her, so they keep re-hiring her.

 

 

Sorry to hear that about your cousin.. IMHO the havoc this is wreaking on her singing is bad enough, but I do get wigged out a bit that someone standing over me in the O.R. could be under the influence.

 

Hope she gets the help she needs and recovers.

[guitarmook]

You have to be strong with him. Tell him that you will accept no less than a sober drummer and friend. Tell him that if he ever plays a show 'high', he's gone. Tell him you don't ever want to see him using again. Tell him you don't ever want to see him 'tweaked' again. Tell him you love him, and don't want to see him screw-up his kids, his marriage, and his life, and you're not gonna look the other way anymore... Tell him it may seem like you're not on his side, but you are. Finally (and quite important), tell him you wouldn't insist that he do all these things if you didn't think he could do it... Tell him you know he can, and fully expect him to just buck-up and take care of it.

[ratthedd]

Axe,

 

When you guys practice do you drink? Would you and your other band mates be willing to give up the alcohol when he's around to help him live a sober lifestyle when playing music?

 

If drinking in moderation is something the rest of you enjoy it will be a sacrifice for you all, but if it help save your other friend, it's probably a sacrifice worth making.

[Outrider]

One of my best friends and ex-bandmates was obviously headed down the wrong road recently. After I helped get him out of jail for the second time, I told him that he was walking down paths I couuldn't go down. He hangs out with people I can't associate with, and does things I refuse to be a part of. Why? Because I have a family, a career, and all the benefits & responsibilities that go with it...I can't risk losing all of that by being associated with his problems.

 

I basically had to ask him not to force me to choose not to be his friend anymore. I think it has helped. He respects me and the fact that I actually had the guts to have a man-to-man talk with him about it. I don't expect him to try and be like me or live my kind of life. I just don't want him to drift into a self-destructive life that I can't be a part of.

 

There wasn't any kind of ultimatum...I was just laying out the consequences of his actions. A reality check. If guys can be honest with themselves, then they will likely appreciate honesty from others.

[Drumr]

I had a guitarist in my band in the early 90's, hardcore alky. I booted him from the band, it was difficult and we sucked without him but we made it work.

 

A year and a half later he came to my home, clean and sober for the first time in 12 years. We welcomed him back to the group. It took him the full 18 months, but he was his old hilarious, fun to play with self, only straight.

 

Fast forward 10 years.

 

He recently asked to play with our new "Bose" band after seeing us play, we gladly accepted him in. He's still sober after all these years and playing better than ever.

 

Summary: You gotta let him go for his own good and yours.

[axe2 2001]

 

Originally posted by ratthedd Axe, When you guys practice do you drink? Would you and your other band mates be willing to give up the alcohol when he's around to help him live a sober lifestyle when playing music? If drinking in moderation is something the rest of you enjoy it will be a sacrifice for you all, but if it help save your other friend, it's probably a sacrifice worth making.

 

 

 

For our main band we rarely drink at practice. We usually practice on weeknights and we all have to work so it's not a party atmosphere but all work. Our side project on the other hand is on saturdays. We start early and usually by 1 or 2 in the afternoon, we're havin drinks. We don't get out of hand with it though. I'd gladly not party on those days. Me and his brother sat him down and told him we're putting the side project on hold till he sorts things out. It went well and I think he understands where we are comin from. He assured us that he is on this program through the rehab place and he is going thru the phases as they prescribe. I have and will continue to support him. I look forward to the day when my old friend is back and I do believe he will be. Thanks again to all that replied. And i'm hopingof your bad situations work out for everyone.