Dumbest/Funniest things people have about you at gigs

[hankypanky]

This one is about the musically unenlightened (?)

 

I'll start it off.

 

We were doing a dance for AIM (Association of Injured Motorcyclists) a couple of weeks back and this really drunk guy comes up to the stage and starts mumbling something nobody can understand... finally he spits it out.... he wants a blues in C and he was tired of our "neo-nazi techno-crap".

 

He was saying this as we just wrapped up Knockin' on Heaven's Door.....

 

What he had no way of knowing is that had only about a week to prepare cause the show was pretty much sprung on us when another local band cancelled. We were on a stage and his head was right at boot level - thinking the better of it and being short on material I called out "Alright then, Takin Care of Business in C" and started in

 

...

 

I think the humour was lost on him.

[ulank]

Originally posted by hankypanky I think the humour was lost on him.

 

I think it's lost on me too.

 

One time, my drummer took a {censored} on stage.

 

That's all I got.

[caveman]

My old drummer who is a good friend of mine is a real female magnet and usually attracts the hottest women. He's a handsome, tall, muscular, native American with long black hair and extremely vain.

 

We regularly played this bar that had one patron that constantly tried to get his attention. The only problem was that was she was a toothless old bar hag and he didn't want anyone to know that she liked him. He would see her coming over and slip away as fast as he could.

 

One night we were setting up and she slipped up behind him while he was getting his kit together. She grabbed his butt and gurgled something about wearing her rubber underwear and having some fun after the show. I thought that he was going to faint dead away. He couldn't even talk he was so mortified. Of course the rest of the band were laughing our asses off.

 

He made us promise that we would never tell anybody but I had my fingers crossed.

[archiemax]

"Hey, you guys are great!"

 

(It was a solo gig.)

[GCDEF]

We dd a charity thing a few weeks ago. Mostly old people. Before we'd even started some geezer came up and said he hopes we take lots of breaks because he didn't want to hear music and was only there because his wife dragged him out.

[dogtownmax]

while touring europe, my band was in holland and played a set after a quiet jazz band.

 

the site was a scotch drinking club filled with people old men wearing ties.

 

we played moderate rock, not dissimilar to REM' s "Monster" album. hardly deth metal or anything. we even had a rocked up Andrea Marcovicci jazz cover. rocked up, but still not sex pistols.

 

we were pretty well received by the crowd of about 150, which was nice as the jazz band we followed were really good, and had solidly set a jazzy afternoon mood. aftward, an old man came up and in surprizingly bad english (this is holland, english is commonly spoken) and said:

 

"why cant you play NORMAL music, not this DRUGGIE music?"

 

dude, we actually covered REMs "crush with eyeliner". hardly psycadellic...

 

Still it was nice to know we werent playing "normal" music...

 

 

[Shellpink]

Last year we played at a festival in the Mosel area (they grow wine there) to an audience, which expected...uuhm...something less rocking.

When we left the stage for our first break, a lady in her late fifties approached us and said "can't you guys play something by Andrea Berg (a girl that does...hmmm... we call it "Schlager", very poppy singalong songs).

Our singer answered "ok, I do have long hair, but do you see any tits?"

 

She didn't ask again.

[ss454]

I don't like being rude to patrons when I'm gigging but every now and again you just have to say enough is enough.

 

One gig I was at this guy kept coming up and trying to get us to play Honkey Tonk Angel...well we took a break and my cousin ripped out the acoustic and played it just to shut him up (this was after he suggested it at least 5 more times) well we get started again and the guy comes up and says "Play some Honkey Tonk Angel!" right in the middle of a song which really pissed me off so as soon as we were finished I said "hey buddy my cousin just played HTA...the dude said "Well I was takin a piss so play it again." I looked the guy right in the face and said "I'm not a {censored}ing jukebox so quit trying to shoving quarters up my ass!"

[RupertB]

Originally posted by archiemax "Hey, you guys are great!" (It was a solo gig.)

 

I've gotten that one a couple of times.

 

"You sing James Taylor like a {censored}in' viking!"

 

Had some old drunk woman come up on stage during a break and try to sing "Ruby" into the mic (which I had wisely muted). She flipped the audience off and promptly went out on her feet, faceplanting hard into the corner of a monitor. Came up pouring blood from her nose as her friends hustled her out of the bar.

 

Idiot bass player booked us (rock band) at a country bar called the Mermaid. Three songs into our first set, 300lb grandma comes up to the stage and yells "I wanna hear some GODDAMN Randy Travis. Ahm TARRED of this screamin' me-me sheeit. " It was all downhill from there. Shades of Bob's Country Bunker.

[zookie]

There are too many stories to recall here. Just a couple that come to mind are:

 

1. During soundcheck, play an old song called "Nora". A drunk, toothless hag staggers to the stage and yells "That was my mother's name" and tries to give us all hugs and kisses.

 

2. While setting up my gear in a small pub a guy wanders over and just stands there, staring and swaying a little bit. I get my cables and stuff set up, turn and say hi. He answers "350 million handguns in this country and no one's taken a shot at Michael Bolton" and wanders away.

 

3. In between sets a guy comes over and asks if we know any Sinatra. Now, I love Sinatra, but we play American old-timey and British Isles folk stuff. We wanders off but returns after the gig, while I'm breaking down the gear. He tells me he really likes Sinatra and then shows me how he impersonates Sinatra's singing style. He's still singing as he follows me out while I'm loading up the car.

 

Basically, anyone who's been the only sober person in a bar will have a story to tell.

[Outrider]

Lil' Dave was playing bass for us this particular night at The Legion...the late-night bar in our area. This is the place that really gets hoppin' at 2:00 AM when all the other bars close. People who show up here are the hardcore working class party crowd, and anybody still at it after 2:00 is either really drunk, really stoned, really looking to score with a Honky Tonk Angel, or looking for a fight. Seriously...blood on the floor every weekend. Thank God they put in a tall stage to protect the band.

 

Anyway, Joe Cowboy saunters up to the band and asks for some country music (I detect a trend here.) We say sure, but asked him to wait a few because we just played a country song, and this is our big "rock" set to bring the late-nighters in.

 

The set ends and we had forgotten to play the song. He corners Shane in the bathroom and asks again. Shane apologizes and says we'll be sure to play it next set. This guy is a regular, always brings a crowd with him, and spends a LOT on beer. No problem, man...sorry bout that.

 

Well, we get about 4 songs into the next set without any country. Shane is calling for it, but for one reason or another we just rolled on over him with more rock. Pretty soon, Joe Cowboy (hereafter referred to as JC) walks up to the stage between songs, puts a 'You're Number One!' finger in Lil' Dave's face, and yells out, "You sorry M*****F****** are the {censored}tiest band I've ever seeen! You can't play no G**D*** country! F*** alla y'all!"

 

Background: LIl' Dave is about 5 feet tall. A muscled-up wiry five feet of too much musical talent. Totally untrained, he effortlessly sings like the best country and southern-rock stylists that ever lived. He can play just about anything he can sit in front of or strap on (makes me sick.) He also doesn't take any crap from anybody. BUT, in a remarkable feat of self-restraint, he smiles and lets this one slide.

 

JC then dramatically walks to the other side of the dance floor, and proceeds to RUSH THE STAGE, barreling directly at Lil' Dave with the intent of taking him down (and probably the drum kit as well...it wasn't a good plan.)

 

Now, bar brawlers appreciate nothing more than a big, slow, obvious move like this. Dave had time to take off his bass, grab it two-handed by the neck, swing it in a wide arc and slap that 8-pound paddle of rock maple right into JC's torso as he charged into range. He was swinging for the fence.

 

BLAP! The bass made this slappy, hollow, thumping sound as it hit JC's ribs. It was accompanied by a sharp cracking sound as the Washburn's body split down the middle from the heel. JC went down with a thud, the bar went silent, and the two bouncers promptly deposited him in the parking lot.

 

Lil' Dave walked back over to the microphone and said, "I don't care what he says, I ain't playin' no more G**D*** country!" There were no more requests...for ANY genre...for the rest of the evening.

 

10 minutes later, we were rockin' again. The bass held together, despite a serious crack. It still acts as a backup-rehearsal instrument, but it still has those same strings on it because Dave is scared that if he takes them off, the bass will fall completely apart.

 

Sometimes I miss playing The Legion. Most of the time I don't.

[BndGrl]

This one I heard a few weeks ago that cracked me up:

 

 

Drunk Guy- "Hey can you play > AGAIN my brother missed it the first time."

 

SpacedCowboy-"Uh, > we don't even know that song."

[Badside]

After the show as we're packing up, this loser comes up to me and yells "We're going streaking!!!"

When he realize I'm not reacting, he asks if i saw the Old School movie and refer to the "streaking" scene...

I guess the loser didn't quite understand the movie because in said scene, Ferell looks more like a loser than anything else when he ends up being the only one doing it.

 

Once the show is finished, I have much better things to do than get naked and run in the streets!

If it was a cute girl and she had wanted me to "streak" in a hotel room though, that's a different story...

[wmxmbd]

*screams from back of audience*

 

"a promise made!?

 

a promise KEPT!!!"

[geekgurl]

Ha, you folks have some pretty good ones! This isn't really a great one, but I'll see if I can remember something better:

 

A friend of mine just got done playing a set. A guy, obviously a musician, catches him outside as he's loading his bass and cab into his car.

 

"wow, you sounded great man, blah blah blah . So how long have you been playing fretless?"

 

My friend was not playing a fretless. He didn't even own a fretless. His answer was, "oh, not that long ..."

[Bruther_Bill72]

One that comes to mind was this drunk guy who wandered into the dance floor about halfway through the first set and then grabbed a chair right off to the side. He promptly fell sound asleep for the next two hours about eight feet in front of a fairly large stack of fairly loud speakers. He wet himself several times during the nap so no one wanted to get near him to wake him up.

 

We still kid around about our ability to put people asleep and coerce bodily functions.

 

--BB

[Guitarella]

My ex-boyfriend was a well-known nationally touring musician. People were always giving him their demo CD's & stuff. Well, one night after a show, some blues wanker made a huge production out of giving my BF not just his CD, but a big huge binder/press kit with all kinds of stuff in it. He went on and on in a very serious manner about his music and his career, how he needs a record deal, etc. The band packed up the press kit into their "circular file" along with many other demos and went back to the hotel.

 

The next morning, after 3 hours of sleep, we were leaving town for the next gig, and stopped at a gas station for coffee. Well, guess who is in the gas station -- none other than the Press Kit Guy.

 

He asked my boyfriend, "Have you had a chance to listen to that yet?"

 

It was hard not to laugh.

[Guitar Centaur]

After reading all these posts, I'm sensing a REAL bias toward drunk, toothless women.

 

I guess y'all think you're better than others because you have teeth.

 

 

Just remember: Someday, YOURS are gonna fall out, also.

 

[WonderMalcolm]

Not directed at me, but: "PLAY NINJA GAIDEN! Whooooooooooooo!"

 

Some drunkard in the back of the bar yelled that after the band had just finished a song (they played mostly poppy synth rock and I still don't know what Ninja Gaiden is or how they were supposed to play it).

[SpacedCowboy]

Originally posted by BndGrl This one I heard a few weeks ago that cracked me up: Drunk Guy - "Hey can you play > AGAIN my brother missed it the first time." SpacedCowboy -"Uh, > we don't even know that song."

 

And the sad thing is, I can't remember if we truly didn't know the song or if I was just {censored}in' with the guy. 'Cuz anyone who knows me knows that if the request is sincere enough or weird enough, I'll at least attempt a verse and chorus, whether the guys know it or not.

[Dave Martin]

No one's mentioned the drunks that come up after the gear's torn down who want to know if we're done. Or the drunk who follows that idiot up and starts singing into the weighted end of a boom stand that's folded up...

 

But one of my favorite audience lines was in Nashville (we were a country band that night); a guy came up and said, "Y'all should be on the Grand Ole Opry - we were there last night, and y'all ain't any worse than they were...."

[SeeU 22]

A buddy of mine is a drummer and has a real nice top of the line Gretsch drum kit. I believe he has Remo skins on them.

 

In between sets my buddy is sitting at his kit and this drunk comes up to chat. Their talking away and the drunk is telling him how good of a drummer he is. My buddy asked him what kind of drums he has. The drunk replied "Same as you.....Remo's"

 

We still laugh about that one.

 

Anyways I gotta get back to playing my GHS guitar.

 

Neil

[e-b-e]

That last one reminds me of someone who thought my band was named "MAPEX" due to the logo head on my bass drum.

 

I guess the big banner with our name that was hanging up on the wall behind us wasn't enough, lol.

[zekmoe]

When a band I was mixing for once was done with some Wham song where the singer was trying to be "soulful", I heard someone comment:

"That dude is the whitest man ever"

[brake]

I was takin' a piss in the bathroom at a dive in another town a few minutes drive from here, and this drunk cat comes up to me (he must've assumed I was with one of the bands that night, not a whole lot of the bars regular patrons have shoulder-length hair, full beards, white contacts, and a frank zappa shirt) and started quizzing me about what kinda music my band plays.

 

Now, I was using the friggin' bathroom, so I wanted to end this conversation as quickly as possible, and since we covered a Sabbath tune at the time, I just told him we "sound like Black Sabbath".. he got wide-eyed and put on this huge grin, and started asking me if we did Crazy Train or Bark at the Moon or any of the other early Sabbath stuff

 

The guy kept talking to me as I washed/dried my hands and left the washroom. I guess he must've been a guitar player, too, 'cause he kept telling me how much he loved Randy Rhoads stuff in Sabbath, and how he learned to play all of his stuff back in the day

 

 

and yes, finally, he gave the obligatory "Do you guys play any Skynyrd?"