Quitting a band?

[Jimi Ray Halen]

I need some advice. My old band broke up after a few years. So I joined up with some other guys who I thought were on the same page as me. While they weren't quite as good of musicians as my last band, they are decent enough.

We agreed on songs, gig frequency, and they seemed like they were motivated to get out and play.

Well, as it turns out, not so much. It's like they have group ADHD or something and can't organize a trip to the bathroom, let alone a band. Don't even have a name after a month (they don't like any of my suggestions) and it's going to take about 3 months to get out of the garage. If then.

 

They are nice enough guys and I get along with them so far but I don't want to play with them. I want to bail before I have to invest in PA gear with them because I don't think that would be a wise investment for me right now - being as I want to leave and all.

 

I don't want to hurt their feelings or cause a big scene tonight. I just want to tell them to their faces (not by email) that I'm leaving and get my rig.

 

So how do I do this and still remain on good terms with them? I don't need any bad karma or enemies. And I don't like to hurt people. I know that they will live and won't commit suicide or anything but has anybody been in this situation before? How did you handle it? This is a first for me.

 

Help!

[zookie]

Reword what you've written here to be just a little less accusatory and tell them. All of your reasons are valid - you expected to be gigging sooner. You're primary goal is to be gigging and you think this may take more time to reach that point than you're comfortable committing to.

 

I've been through it all. I've had people quit on me who thought we hadn't progressed fast enough. I've had to push people away who were very anxious to have me play with them, but who were miles from being ready to gig.

 

The golden rule in show business, though, is to never burn bridges. Don't be accusatory; don't cause a scene. You never know, but those guys may get their act together some day and become locally very popular. And they may ask you to fill in. You just never know what'll happen in the future.

[Jimi Ray Halen]

Of course I wouldn't be as blunt as I am here. Part of it is my fault for not checking things out a bit more. Maybe I was on a rebound - who knows? But I feel like I am going thru the motions, not excited about this project, and I feel like my time would be better spent learning on my own with my teacher and finding a more established band that's already working.

 

So I should just tell them that it isn't progressing as rapidly as I'm used to? I don't want to burn any bridges, like you said, but if your heart isn't in it then what's the point?

 

God, I feel like I'm breaking up with a woman or something.

[zookie]

 

Originally posted by Jimi Ray Halen So I should just tell them that it isn't progressing as rapidly as I'm used to? I don't want to burn any bridges, like you said, but if your heart isn't in it then what's the point?

 

 

Yes, but only if you and they feel you need to explain things. I suppose you could even just say sorry, but you don't think you'll be able to commit to this band. Since nothing's really underway, you won't be leaving them in the lurch. You shouldn't have to feel guilty about that.

[Jimi Ray Halen]

Yeah, thanks. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. It would be much worse 6 months from now.

I'm believe in karma and I don't want to screw anybody over. That stuff comes back to haunt you.

[elsongs]

God, I feel like I'm breaking up with a woman or something.

 

 

Bands have very uncanny parallels to personal relationships... you have the courtship phase (jamming), the committed relationship (gigs), consummating the relationship (recording)...

 

And just like relationships, communication plays a big role.

[Jimi Ray Halen]

 

Originally posted by elsongs Bands have very uncanny parallels to personal relationships... you have the courtship phase (jamming), the committed relationship (gigs), consummating the relationship (recording)... And just like relationships, communication plays a big role.

 

 

Well, the courtship/jamming was good.

We never got to the commitment phase.

So no consumation.

 

Like I said, I just hate to hurt anybody's feelings. By telling them that it's not moving along quickly enough it feels like I'm telling them that they aren't good enough.

 

I think that they have been trying for awhile to get it together. The front man and I are new and I guess we figured that we would light a fire under them since we have been out playing until very recently.

 

Sometimes I think people like the idea of being in a band more than they do the actual work that it takes initially.

 

Oh, well, at least I'm facing them instead of using a chicken{censored} email. And I plan on being as nice as I can about it. Short and sweet.

[Deef]

"It's not you, it's me...."

 

"You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."

 

"Alright, George, it's you."

 

"You're damn right it's me."

[jackcheez]

Usually the more explaining you do, the worse it gets. Make it short, say as little as possible.

[FlogRock]

 

Originally posted by jackcheez Usually the more explaining you do, the worse it gets. Make it short, say as little as possible.

 

Yup. Personally, if I were one of your band members, I would like to hear why you think it isn't working, so that I can improve it the next time, or at least make sure next time I get someone with the same goals. But I noticed that 90% of the people don't like/can't handle any kind of criticism, they rather only hear positive things and never improve.

 

So give 'em some kind of "it isn't you, it's me" routine, and only if you are convinced they want to hear the real reasons, give real feedback (still tactful).

 

I quit two similar bands myself, both took me much longer than it should, also because I wanted to be a nice guy...

[Jimi Ray Halen]

Yeah, we all lived to play another day. And I managed to stay on good terms with them which is good. They're nice guys and you never know.......

 

They weren't happy about it. I told them that they could easily find another guitarist as good as or better than me. They didn't think it would be so easy, which is nice to hear, but I don't believe it.

 

I told them that I wanted to do more high-energy rock (which is true) and that I realized it when I started doing the dance band thing (also true).

 

And that it wasn't them, it was me. They're all good musicians, stay in touch, better now than 6 months down the road, etc.

 

The bassist asked me for criticism so as to avoid this kind of stuff in the future in front of everybody. So I told them that: a. I am used to learning the songs at home and coming to rehearsal ready to play them, and b. that every band needs a leader (like it or not) who directs and cues people to keep things tight. And that I'm not that person yet.

 

Of course, not every band needs this if everybody learns their parts at home. But I don't think they were. Especially the drummer. And without a tight rhythm section (and good vocals) you don't have jack.

 

But we parted as friends, or at least on good terms, which was my goal. Now, on to the next audition.............

[Waltstasz]

Sounds like you handled it very professionally. Nice job and good luck finding another band...

[Fendercaster]

I'm glad it worked out well for you, Jimi Ray. I've been in a similar situation, and it's not easy. I was asked to join a band-in-progress a couple of years ago, and gave it a shot. The material they were doing was similar to the stuff I do/like, and they wanted to do some originals that were well written and would probably work.

There were a couple of problems that developed after a few rehearsals that prompted me to leave. First, the lead singer-leader had never been in a band before, and had visions of going straight to Nashville. That sent off alarm bells! Secondly, I'd worked with the bass player before, and he was usually so drunk before we even started playing that he could barely stand up. Finally, when the leader started talking about everyone chipping in $500 each for a PA system, I knew it was time to go. (I've been playing in bands for almost 30 years and never been asked to help buy a PA)

So, without being specific, I told the leader that there were some personality conflicts and that I thought it best if I left. I didn't want to hurt anyones' feelings, but I knew that if I stayed, it would be a very unhappy situation.

[Lee Flier]

Sounds like you handled it really well. Was this a cover band or original?

[zekmoe]

I can remember a similar situation ,where I agreed to play in a cover band for a friends biker party he throws every year. We were supposed to learn a bunch of tunes, he would play drums, and we'd be the hit of the party. After a couple of weeks the leader starts talking about gigs. I did this as a charity to a friend, as I'd sooner shoot myself than play "Sooner or Later" or "Hold On Loosely" willingly infront of drunken hicks over and and over. Anyway, I had to tell them, that although I was happy to learn these songs for my friend and his party, I had no intention of making this a permanent situation. "It's just not me" and "I really don't have the time to gig". They took it fine, and I avoided puking every nite after playing tripe like "Brown Eyed Girl" and some Jimmy "The worst music ever" Buffet song I can't recall. Still friends with the ones I see.

[AJ6stringsting]

I think some times being in a band is like being in a relationship ,some body starts dreaming up things and finally some is let down:cry: .Some never make it out of the garage (dating stage)and some make for the the long haul ;local gigs,touring. I've been in situations that some players of lower skill levels audition (Alternative,Grunge,Punkers)hang around as if I'm a music school teacher and it feels like I'm giving lessons(I've been teaching guitar for 16 years). Then they are the guys from back in the day that quit and want to relive their adolecents again thru the band (been there...done that:freak: ) and you're thinking what theF*@&.The best thing to do is be honest and streight foward(blunt)about your wants and needs,let them know from the start that you're that way that way it won't be such a big surprise to the rest of the guys in the band.

[Jimi Ray Halen]

Originally posted by Lee Flier Sounds like you handled it really well. Was this a cover band or original?

 

Strictly covers.

 

Now the bass player emails me and wants feedback about what to do to improve, who should be kicked out, whether he should even play anymore. Whether he should stick to this project or move on himself (if he's even good enough). Of course, it will be all kept confidential.

 

They must think I left because I'm a better musician or something. I don't think I am but they are devastated that I quit. Go figure. I have been taking lessons and I've improved but I ain't the second coming of Jimi or anything.

 

And even if I am "better" shouldn't that push them to play better? I always like to play with people better than me because it makes you push yourself.

 

There are a few things I could tell them in the form of constructive criticism, but I don't think that would be a good idea. Why should my opinion matter to them?

[Lee Flier]

Sounds like maybe they're using their insecurity about their musicianship to avoid the real reasons why you left: that they just wouldn't get their {censored} together on the organization side. You said that this was more the problem than them not being great musicians, right?

 

I can see where the band would care about your opinion since they like you and you quit. They care because they want to know why they lost a good member. Maybe this is the kick in the ass they needed to figure out what it really takes to have a working band. Either they're capable of doing those things or they're not. So, rather than focusing on the musicianship, if you write the bass player back I would just focus on the things that were the big problems: the fact that you weren't gigging by now and that no one could take a leadership role and get things organized. Maybe it'll help them down the road and it wouldn't take much to say something constructive and helpful.

[Jimi Ray Halen]

 

Originally posted by Lee Flier Sounds like maybe they're using their insecurity about their musicianship to avoid the real reasons why you left: that they just wouldn't get their {censored} together on the organization side. You said that this was more the problem than them not being great musicians, right? I can see where the band would care about your opinion since they like you and you quit. They care because they want to know why they lost a good member. Maybe this is the kick in the ass they needed to figure out what it really takes to have a working band. Either they're capable of doing those things or they're not. So, rather than focusing on the musicianship, if you write the bass player back I would just focus on the things that were the big problems: the fact that you weren't gigging by now and that no one could take a leadership role and get things organized. Maybe it'll help them down the road and it wouldn't take much to say something constructive and helpful.

 

 

That's sort of what I told them the night I quit when he put me on the spot in front of everybody. Every band needs a leader to get things organized. I've been in that role and I don't want to do it again right now. All that stuff takes time away from playing and I'm trying to raise my level. I thought that I explained that before I hooked up with them. But it was falling to me again, I could see it coming. I don't mind doing my share but not all. If I'm going to assume that role again it may as well be with my old band, who are all excellent musicians. They just leave all the details to me.

 

In fact, I may jump into the fire again just to play with a tight band again. Depending on how my next audition goes. I've already made the calls and we're getting together next week just to "jam".

 

What sort of freaks me out is that the bassist from the band I quit wants me to validate his playing. He wants me to tell him whether or not to keep playing or give it up. Or whether or not to leave this band also. He's old friends with two of them. And he wants me to give him advice on staying or leaving friends? I can't tell him the truth because, contrary to popular belief, honesty is NOT always the best policy. I just think it's a lot to lay on somebody you just met.

[zookie]

 

Originally posted by Jimi Ray Halen What sort of freaks me out is that the bassist from the band I quit wants me to validate his playing. He wants me to tell him whether or not to keep playing or give it up.

 

 

There's all the evidence you need that you made a decent decision based on your personal goals.

 

Given the ups and downs of a gigging life, you MUST be either damned good at what you do, or necessarily oblivious to what other people think, if one is to keep gigging.

 

Whether or not you think he should keep playing is always completely separate from whether or not he wants to keep playing.

 

The first time some drunk in the crowd shouts "You suck", they'll have to stop the set, have a band meeting and ask the guy to come up on stage and carefully explain how they suck and what he thinks they should do to not suck.

[Jimi Ray Halen]

Originally posted by zookie There's all the evidence you need that you made a decent decision based on your personal goals. Given the ups and downs of a gigging life, you MUST be either damned good at what you do, or necessarily oblivious to what other people think, if one is to keep gigging. Whether or not you think he should keep playing is always completely separate from whether or not he wants to keep playing. The first time some drunk in the crowd shouts "You suck", they'll have to stop the set, have a band meeting and ask the guy to come up on stage and carefully explain how they suck and what he thinks they should do to not suck.

 

Yeah, I've heard that before. BFD. Consider the source. And I probably did suck that night. You have to play through that to get better.

Those beer bottles hurt though.

[Kid Klash]

Originally posted by zookie Reword what you've written here to be just a little less accusatory and tell them. All of your reasons are valid - you expected to be gigging sooner. You're primary goal is to be gigging and you think this may take more time to reach that point than you're comfortable committing to. I've been through it all. I've had people quit on me who thought we hadn't progressed fast enough. I've had to push people away who were very anxious to have me play with them, but who were miles from being ready to gig. The golden rule in show business, though, is to never burn bridges. Don't be accusatory; don't cause a scene. You never know, but those guys may get their act together some day and become locally very popular. And they may ask you to fill in. You just never know what'll happen in the future.

 

I'd agree with zookie on this one - re-read your post, do a "warm and fuzzy" rewrite, and use it as a script for doing your face-to-face with them, load up your gear, and move on. I too have been in your situation many times, and although it's no fun, you gotta do what you gotta do rather than waste you time with a bunch of hosers... life's too short.

[Guitar Centaur]

1) three months ain't that long

 

2) a band name should be the LAST thing you worry about.

 

3) start a solo gig, because if you expect to be out playing in three months, you're either

 

A) dreaming

 

or...

 

B) willing to settle for something WAY less polished than I would.

[FlogRock]

 

Originally posted by Crustycabs 1) three months ain't that long 2) a band name should be the LAST thing you worry about. 3) start a solo gig, because if you expect to be out playing in three months, you're either A) dreaming or... B) willing to settle for something WAY less polished than I would.

 

 

or...

 

C) A professional who is willing to put in some time?

 

And even if the sets are not in perfect shape after three months, I think it's very important to get some gig experience with new band members as soon as possible. Even if it's just one short set, no pay, at a friend's party or small bar.

 

It sucks so hard to spend a year rehearsing, only to find out at your first gig that they don't have what it takes on stage...

[Jimi Ray Halen]

Originally posted by Crustycabs 1) three months ain't that long 2) a band name should be the LAST thing you worry about. 3) start a solo gig, because if you expect to be out playing in three months, you're either A) dreaming or... B) willing to settle for something WAY less polished than I would.

 

What about if:

 

At the 3rd practice you realize that the drummer is not learning the material - and we practice at his house?

He also switched to electronic drums without warning. I'm sorry but acoustic drums are the only way to go. If you supplement an acoustic kit with some triggers than that's cool. But not an entire set of practice pads.

 

You realize that you are the best player in the band and you aren't all that great? I need to play with people better (or at least as good as) than me.

 

They told me they had a full PA and then started talking about pitching in for one. They had parts of one. Not enough to play out.

 

You just don't feel any kind of groove with the rhythm section? The drummer and bassist never even made eye contact. With me or each other. And it showed.

 

The second guitarist plays full volume between songs showing the stuff he's been working on (non-band related) all week. Silence that f'ing instrument between songs.

 

We'd agree on 5 songs per week to come prepared to play. That's reasonable for working guys. Then it was three. Then one of them would say "we ought to do this song!" and start playing it and they'd all jump in. I was ready to play the songs I worked on all week. If I wanted to jam I'd go to open mic night and play some blues.

 

Iow, I have limited time to play. I practice every night to learn the songs and when we get to practice once a week I don't want to fart around. Let's run through the set list up to now then the new stuff before it gets too late to play. It's like p/t job. At least initially. You have to have fun but to me the fun is playing out.

 

As far as "B) willing to settle for something WAY less polished than I would. goes - check out www.drivingblindlive.com and see what we put together in 3 months. We recorded the demo after about 6 months but we were playing out. We rehearsed 3 times a week. It was tough but listen to the results. Not bad for p/t cover band. I'm trying to get the guys back together or join an already established band. I have an audition in two weeks.

 

I just had a bad feeling and wasn't feeling it at all after the initial audition and jam. I feel that I can accomplish more just taking serious lessons from my instructor and waiting for a slot to open up. Or get the old band back together.