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Have you put yourself in a box?


MrKnobs

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Have you compromised your dreams to be safe, or for the approval of others? Done mostly what others wanted/expected you to do? If so, how do you feel about it right now?

 

I spent the first part of my life believing I could become anything I wanted, and not worrying what other people thought about me. I just let it all hang out. I had lots of casual friends, a few good friends, and not much money, but I was honestly happy most of the time. I played guitar in a {censored}ty strip bar, lived in a dump, was never sure where the next rent check was coming from, and was loved by some good people. I had no future whatsoever and it didn't concern me one bit.

 

Then, I "grew up." I started doing what I was "supposed" to do, became what I thought other people wanted me to be, worried about what people thought of me, planning my future, careful of everything I said, etc. I didn't believe in my dreams anymore. In a short while, I had lots of money, a secure future, no real friends, and I was totally miserable. I didn't want to let anyone down, so instead, I let ME down.

 

What is so ironic about all this, is that the very people who were previously hanging out with me when I was carefree, who I changed to try to please and impress, were driven away by the new, responsible, fake, "adult" me.

 

Now, a little older and much more financially secure, I wonder what the hell I've done with my life. I paid too high a price to be "safe."

 

So now I'm transitioning back to the attitude of my young, carefree self. I don't give a {censored} whether people think it's appropriate (my least favorite word) for someone my age to play guitar in a band, or just take off and backpack for a month in the mountains, I just do it, because it makes me happy. And, because I'm happy, I'm a more fun person to be around, which has improved all my relationships except the ones that really sucked anyway. I now have a whole new set of friends who don't put me in the box the old ones did.

 

Here's what I've decided, the moral of my story:

 

(1) You can't make anyone else happy until you're happy yourself.

 

(2) Dreams are what make life worth living, don't EVER give up on them.

 

(3) Just be yourself and you'll be surrounded by people who like you for yourself. The others will leave, but you didn't really want them around anyway.

 

(4) You can't really fail if you never stop trying.

 

(5) You need some money to live, but don't make money your life.

 

(6) Set your goals with your heart and make your plans with your head. Plans made by your heart rarely succeed, and goals set by your head almost never satisfy, even when they succeed.

 

(7) It's never too late to change your direction. You can start right now, right this moment. Do it!

 

(8) If you want the wound to heal, you must begin by pulling out the knife. Get away from people and places who make you miserable. You'll be surprised how quickly your life improves when you do.

 

(9) Stop living on the Internet, it's really not very satisfying, it's just SAFE. Let go of SAFE.

 

(10) Alone is not about whether there's another human being near you, because, really, there always is. Alone is a decision you make. Change your decision!

 

(11) This list goes to eleven. Make a list. Make lots of lists. Start with a list of people and things that make you happy on one side, and unhappy on the other. If you're honest, it's probably a pretty long list. Start by eliminating one thing or person that makes you unhappy, and spend more time with one person or thing that makes you happy. The first thing you pick will give you courage and motivation to tackle the rest. Try it, you'll be surprised how simple and effective it is. Just making the list will make you begin to feel better.

 

What do YOU think?

 

Terry D.

 

P.S. Obviously I'm still having a little trouble with number 9. :D

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Interesting.

 

I'm still in the first phase of 'whatever makes me happy' even though I'm far too old to still be here.

 

I just have a comment on #9. And that is, that between HC and Internet porn, my brain is significantly rotted. It has given me ADD, and is more addictive than smoking.

 

I don't make N.Y. Resolutions, but I think I'm gonna make an exception.

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Originally posted by MrKnobs



(1) You can't make anyone else happy until you're happy yourself.


(2) Dreams are what make life worth living, don't EVER give up on them.


(3) Just be yourself and you'll be surrounded by people who like you for yourself. The others will leave, but you didn't really want them around anyway.


(4) You can't really fail if you never stop trying.


(5) You need some money to live, but don't make money your life.


(6) Set your goals with your heart and make your plans with your head. Plans made by your heart rarely succeed, and goals set by your head almost never satisfy, even when they succeed.


(7) It's never too late to change your direction. You can start right now, right this moment. Do it!


(8) If you want the wound to heal, you must begin by pulling out the knife. Get away from people and places who make you miserable. You'll be surprised how quickly your life improves when you do.


(9) Stop living on the Internet, it's really not very satisfying, it's just SAFE. Let go of SAFE.


(10) Alone is not about whether there's another human being near you, because, really, there always is. Alone is a decision you make. Change your decision!


(11) This list goes to eleven. Make a list. Make lots of lists. Start with a list of people and things that make you happy on one side, and unhappy on the other. If you're honest, it's probably a pretty long list. Start by eliminating one thing or person that makes you unhappy, and spend more time with one person or thing that makes you happy. The first thing you pick will give you courage and motivation to tackle the rest. Try it, you'll be surprised how simple and effective it is. Just making the list will make you begin to feel better.


What do YOU think?


Terry D.


P.S. Obviously I'm still having a little trouble with number 9.
:D

 

Wow, Mr. Knobs. Words to live by.

 

I struggle, obviously, with number 9 as well. Like squealie, the internet has made my brain a big pile of mush. I used to read all the time. I was always in the middle of a book, reading several newspapers a day. Now I can barely get through my Cosmo that comes once a month.

 

But at the same time, all the great things that have happened to me this year, nearly all of my friends (yes, real life not cyber friends) have come from the internet. So it's a double edged sword for me. :confused:

 

I will add one thing to your list as well:

 

12. People will only treat you the way you let them treat you. If you don't like the way that someone is treating you then stop letting them do it.

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I'm feeling you, dogg.

After a few years of attempting to make a living playing music though having fun yet being poor most of the time I joined the Navy. And after the Navy I worked a fairly secure job and kept my hair short. But I was in a horrible marriage and I was not happy. In 1999 though I got a divorce, quit my day job, and began playing music full time. I have not worked a day job since then but am very happy and am married to a very wonderful chemistry professor.

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I'd think there are alot of people that question the decisions they've made. Your story sounds similar to mine and i'm sure many that had a dream of makin music for a livin. I used to do the same thing, Mostly concentrating on music, and payin rent and bills was an afterthought. 1982 to 1995 was quite a ride and I wouldn't change anything except I would have quit the dead end band I was in and pushed harder at trying to really make a living doing music. I got comfortable with the status quoe and the band never had any real potential for making original music. Just bangin our heads from bar to bar. Loads of fun and stories I wouldn't trade but not my idea of success.

That band is still together and we gig once a month or so but times have changed for all of us and after a while I got real sick of eating ramen soup and having bill collecters on my ass. I started to get "responsible thru the 90's and i'd like to think I've got my financial {censored} in order. At least to the point that I own a home, have an honest job and i'm trying to prepare for my future.

But man , the old memories of my former self and all the great times I had does come up alot. I'd say most of the people I knew then were more aqiantences then real friends, I still see alot of my real friends i've had for many years. Funny thing is, they are goin through the same stuff, even though they were'nt musicians. So it's gotta be just a part of getting older that you feel you traded off too much of your "self" to get what you have now. I have a great wife, a nice mimi-farm with horses, trucks, dogs,and pretty much all the gear I need or want. I'd have a hard time trading anything I have now to get back what I "think" I lost. ;)

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I'd think there are alot of people that question the decisions they've made. Your story sounds similar to mine and i'm sure many that had a dream of makin music for a livin. I used to do the same thing, Mostly concentrating on music, and payin rent and bills was an afterthought. 1982 to 1995 was quite a ride and I wouldn't change anything except I would have quit the dead end band I was in and pushed harder at trying to really make a living doing music. I got comfortable with the status quoe and the band never had any real potential for making original music. Just bangin our heads from bar to bar. Loads of fun and stories I wouldn't trade but not my idea of success.

That band is still together and we gig once a month or so but times have changed for all of us and after a while I got real sick of eating ramen soup and having bill collecters on my ass. I started to get "responsible thru the 90's and i'd like to think I've got my financial {censored} in order. At least to the point that I own a home, have an honest job and i'm trying to prepare for my future.

But man , the old memories of my former self and all the great times I had does come up alot. I'd say most of the people I knew then were more aqiantences then real friends, I still see alot of my real friends i've had for many years. Funny thing is, they are goin through the same stuff, even though they were'nt musicians. So it's gotta be just a part of getting older( the dredded mid-life crisis?) that you feel you traded off too much of your "self" to get what you have now. I have a great wife, a nice mimi-farm with horses, trucks, dogs,and pretty much all the gear I need or want. I'd have a hard time trading anything I have now to get back what I "think" I lost. ;)

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I live in a box.

 

Inside is security, but complacency. Outside is risk, with the possibility of a payoff, or failure.

 

It's not really 'failure', but I perceive it as such, and I fear failure. I used to have some major issues with depression, and my depression stems from me feeling that I have failed. I don't deal with it well at all.

 

I haven't been depressed in some time, and I was taken off the meds almost 2 years ago. But I fear leaving my "box" because I am so fearful of experiencing the weight of that depression in my life again.

I can't even talk about that era of my life for very long without my eyes welling up. I never want to go back there.

 

The way I escape my box is by taking small steps. Takeing small risks and dealing with the outcomes one at a time.

 

For me breaking free is a process, not a one-time event.

 

I know this isn't totally on topic, but you asked about boxes.

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Originally posted by MrKnobs



On the contrary; it's an excellent, on-topic post.
:)

Terry D.

 

I appreciate it.

 

By the way, I read your 'Groupie Stories' the other day. Very moving stuff.

 

I feel like I know you. I feel like I know a number of the people involved.

 

It had a weird affect on me. I felt odd, like something was out of place, for the rest of the day. Very strange. I think I connected with your emotion.

 

Anyway, thanks for bearing your soul.

I'm glad you shared your story.

 

Now I know I'm being off-topic. :D

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Originally posted by Super 8

By the way, I read your 'Groupie Stories' the other day. Very moving stuff.


I feel like I know you. I feel like I know a number of the people involved.


It had a weird affect on me. I felt odd, like something was out of place, for the rest of the day. Very strange. I think I connected with your emotion.


Anyway, thanks for bearing your soul.

I'm glad you shared your story.


Now I know I'm being off-topic.
:D

 

I'll permit this sort of off topic discussion in my thread. :D

 

Seriously, thanks for taking the time to read it, and for letting me know it connected with you. :)

 

Did you ever figure out which body part was "out of place?" ;)

 

Terry D.

 

P.S. I may write the prequel and sequel to this story when I get the time, if Lee permits me to put it here. Thanks for reading! :wave:

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Some thoughts:

 

Is the issue 'the box' or 'regrets'?

 

I also wonder how much of your ponderings come from the conversion of youthful opportunity to matured risk of loss.

 

It seems to me that as soon as you got 'responsible' you had something tangible to lose. What do you miss? Having nothing to lose, or having nothing?

 

The best phrase I've ever heard is 'live on purpose'. To me, if you live on purpose you live without regrets.

 

The only issue I have with living in a box is if you I can see the walls or not. It's like a bird flying into a window.

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I read this post again and it occured to me that it has all the symptoms of a mid life crisis.

 

I don't mean that in a derogatory way, not at all. In fact I feel like I am going through the same thing...I fit the profile myself.

 

These past few years have been hellish. I find myself questioning everything:

 

Is this the life I want?

Is this the wife I want?

Is this the job I want?

Is this...

 

Everything in that list always ends up with "what do *I* want"

 

I go back and forth in an endless tug of war between what I want, and what my responsibilities are.

 

I tell myself I want to be "free" and not have any responsibilites.

 

But the only way I can do that is to run out on my responsibilities. And that takes me back to the question: Whose needs are more important, mine or those that I have become responsible for?

 

It's the nagging question that keeps me awake at night.

 

A box of my own making, so my answer to this is "Yes, I have put myself in a box"

 

The question is, how long will the trail of blood be should I decide to break out.

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I felt as if I was in a box when I was a road dog...everything was decided for me...where we played, what time we went on, set list, etc. The only thing I chose, is which "lucky" lady got to buy me something to eat after the gig, etc.

 

Now I'm off the road, and I have a full time job, a wife, 2 kids, a car, a van, and a pretty nice house. I still play music, but my opinion matters in this band, which is a nice thing. We play when we want to, and we always have a good time, and the egos are long gone.

 

Am I in a box? Sure. Am I happy anyway? You bet!

 

I have responsibilities, to my wife and my kids, primarily, but to myself as well. When I was a road dog, I had no responsibilities other than to play guitar, and I had ZERO self esteem. Now, I feel great. My health is good, my family is awesome, and other than *having* to have a job, I don't have anything to complain about.

 

My wife and kids think I'm the best guy ever, and you can't buy THAT! For me, Life Is Good!

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On the other hand, if you don't put yourself into a box, others will...

 

A couple examples that have to do with music; an acquaintance is an excellent reed player - pretty much anything with a reed on it. He plays saxes (soprano, alto, tenor and bari), harmonica (including chromatic and bass harmonica), clarinet, flute, pennywhistle, and jews harp (Umm, what's the PC name for that? Hebrew harp?).

 

Anyway, we were talking one day about exactly this; he said that he has a client that ONLY calls him for jews harp, and hires someone else to play sax. Others only call him for harmonica, and either don't know or don't think about using him for sax. Still others think of him as a 'flute' player, and nothing else.

 

There are folks who know me as an upright bass player, others who know me as an electric bass guy, and others just as a producer/engineer. That's fine, of course - as long as I get enough calls from each of these opinionated folks to keep the schedule filled up...

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Regarding #9, I must say that these internet sites have given me the opportunity to practice expressing myself with the english language.

 

How many of us wrote essays before the internet?

 

What an interesting post Mr. Knobs!

 

Thanks!

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I know I'm repeating myself, but...

 

"Take control of your life or someone else will."

 

It sounds so simple, so easy... but man I tell ya, there are so many outside influences and stuff...But you know, on the bright side, you got the degree, had the whole college experience, and now you have a choice....

 

Continue to work on your music (AND get a job...) or just do what you are told and forget about music, get a good job, marry, have kids, 2 pets, home in the suburbs, sneak out once every couple weeks for a beer with the guys...

 

Okay...I'm being extreme. But...the principle remains. YOU need to decide the balance you want from all the various aspects of your life. Albeit personal, professional, or in-between. And that ain't easy either...I'm 46 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I'm okay with that. I learned a long time ago that living to please or impress others ultimately left me bitter, jaded, and resentful.

 

But I also realized a valuable lesson (that you talked to in your post)....it is in YOUR hands.

 

Wishing you the best....

 

"in the end, we are all our own best friend, and our own last hope"

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Which came firsts the full time musicians or the $ supporting S.O.

? I have always been a bit jealous (OK Very jealous) of other local MUSOs who have a "suger mama" or Dr Wife making the lifestyle of a starving artist possible. I will never know how my life may have gone but I've always been the 90% breadwinner in my family and living on 10% has not been an option. I can live with my life of wife & kids / corporate job/ house /responcibilities. Just curious do the starving artist types you know attract supporting types or seek them out? In NW NJ somebodys gotta make the "do re me" or you'll starve real quick!

 

Kevin T

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