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Be Honest: Does your band affect your relationship?


MrKnobs

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For those of you who are married, or in a long-term relationship: has/does your being in a band cause trouble in your relationship? Jealousy, either of a bandmate, the fans/groupies, or even just the amount of time you spend on band stuff instead of with the significant other? Not being home on weekends or until late at night? How do you deal with it? How do you strike a balance?

 

Do you get a lot of your emotional needs met with band and band-related people instead of at home? Do you have many friends who aren't musicians or somehow related to music?

 

For those of you who are NOT married and NOT in a long-term relationship: do you think you would be in such a relationship if it weren't for your commitment to playing in bands?

 

Tell us how being a musician affects the important relationships in your life, and if, in retrospect, it's been worth it to you.

 

Terry D.

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My wife isn't crazy about it and gives me grief from time to time, but has resigned herself to the fact that she can't stop me. Even though she doesn't like me being gone, I think she secretly likes that it gives her certain bragging rights with her friends. She doesn't seem to mind me bringing home new guitars any more.

 

The other night we were eating dinner, and some female called (I have no idea who she was), wondering where we were playing that night. That didn't go over really well, especially as my daughter who answered the phone told me it was one of my groupies.

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Originally posted by Lee Flier

Hmm. As with your groupie stories, it would probably be better if I wait 20 years to answer this.
:D

 

But I was thinking of you when I started this thread. :cry:

 

T.

 

P.S. Waiting 20 years (to do anything) gets increasingly dangerous as we get older. ;)

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why do wives get pissy about their husbands being in bands? wives do their own activities with their female friends, like shopping and stuff. they think its alright that they have hobbies, but expect that their husbands just work and have no hobbies? wtf?

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Originally posted by Tedddy

why do wives get pissy about their husbands being in bands? wives do their own activities with their female friends, like shopping and stuff. they think its alright that they have hobbies, but expect that their husbands just work and have no hobbies? wtf?

 

If you think wives get pissy with their men being in bands, consider (or observe) the reverse. Wives or girlfriends being in bands scares the sh*t out of most men, myself not included. :D

 

Terry D.

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Originally posted by MrKnobs


If you think wives get pissy with their men being in bands, consider (or observe) the reverse. Wives or girlfriends being in bands scares the sh*t out of most men, myself not included.
:D

 

This is true. Though I've personally had far more difficulty with male bandmates' wives being jealous, than with any boyfriend of mine. Can't really blame the wives though... the truth is most of the time their men ARE getting quite a lot of emotional needs met through the band, and the wives know this, and the fact that there's a woman in the band makes it a really threatening situation.

 

On the other hand... although I've never had a boyfriend who was overtly jealous (all have been very supportive actually), I've had a couple just up and leave the relationship, because it turned out what they really wanted was a more conventional chick who wants to stay home or have a normal job and have babies. And get jealous of them being in bands... and bitch about them buying gear, and spend all their money on clothes and makeup, and... :D

 

So, that kind of sucks. :cry: I would have figured more musicians would (like me) appreciate somebody who really understands them, and even buys them gear. :D And many do think it's cool to date a rocker chick for awhile but then end up going back to the familiar, more maternal type. Personally I don't think I'd ever be happy with some "normal" dude... I feel like something huge is missing when I'm with anybody but a musician, and the majority of my friends are musicians, writers, artists etc.

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I`m not in a serious relationship but the casual ones I have been in have been ended mainly because I love music more than I loved those particular women

 

 

 

 

The women that you love more than music never love you.:cry:

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Originally posted by lewie

The women that you love more than music never love you.
:cry:

 

You should take a moment right now to say a little prayer of thanks for that. :)

 

Terry D.

 

P.S. No good woman really wants a man who would give up an essential part of who he is just to have her. Same goes for good men, Ms. Flier. ;)

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It's like night and day.

 

You get into the relationship. She really digs the fact you're a musician at first,the perception of glamour, you're gigging and her friends can come and be impressed.

 

Yup, that part's great.

 

The novelty of you being out of town for 2-3 weeks at a time,3 times/week min. practice when you're not gigging, the getting home @ 3-4 AM ,the fact she decides than half the guys in your band are no-talent jerks and you should replace them, and the ultimate realization about how much musicians ACTUALLY make....

 

That's not even mentioning the girls that jump you at gigs in front of the g/f and assorted craziness.

 

Yes, I found being in a band destroys most relationships. The best setup is when they treat it as just your job and accept it as it is, weird hours and all.

 

But, it's really tough.

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Yeah, multitrack, I think you nailed it. :(

 

The sad thing is, being as I am someone who can't be half assed about bands OR relationships, I completely understand the point of view of anybody who suffers through being in a relationship with a musician. I feel just as badly about treating a guy that way as I feel when I get treated that way. Sometimes I feel like the only solution is to be with a bandmate or someone otherwise directly connected with the band (manager, crew member or whatnot). I've been in that situation a couple of times and it was perfect - no prolonged separations while on tour, no jealousy issues (including other bandmates' jealous spouses), no waiting up late for anybody to get home from a gig or session or rehearsal. Sure, the money sucked. :D But that part's better now, at least for me, and otherwise... I dunno, that may be the only way.

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My wife of 21 years is very supportive of the music aspect of my life.

She helps keep me on-track with the buisness aspects-spending, how much I charge, choice of venues, etc.

Her insightful perception of people has proven very helpful when I was looking for new band members.

She is very demanding though. If I am going to devote so much time to music, she "encourages":) me to stay focused and not sit around spinning my wheels too long.

My wife and kids frequently come to practices and seldom miss a gig if it is within an hour or so away.

On the more informal and family friendly gigs, I sometimes bring them on-stage to play/sing a few songs with the band.

rar

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My wife has always been really supportive of my music. I'm between bands now, and she's really encouraging me to get something going again. I thought things would change once she had our first baby, but she's been cool so far. Keeping things open and honest helps us.

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Anything as important as being in a band would naturally affect anything as important as a long-term relationship.

 

Before we got married I explained that I had been in bands for years and would be in bands for as long as it was still fun. It was not something more importnat than her, but if she forced me to stop I would be unhappy.

 

That was 1987.

 

I'm in 2 rock bands and play in church too. My wife rarely goes to gigs but knows that my bands are a fact of life. As far as being out late, it's not like she's a late night person anyhow, she's home asleep. As far as groupies, she knows I've never given her any cause for concern and would not do so.

 

BK

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Most of the women I have been involved with were supportive of my musical aspirations. I met both my ex-wife and my fiancee because I was in bands. Both therefore knew going in that I would always be looking to gig.

 

With my ex-wife, there was a period of time where I was gigging 5 nights a week, and working full time. It did put a strain on the relationship, because with 3 kids, I was rarely available, and when I was home, I was sleeping or working on new material. She didn't get to the 'ultimatum', but I knew it would come. I was burnt out by the schedule myself and convinced the band we had to slow down...and they were all relieved... ;)

 

Several years later, as I was involved with two bands and doing side work, the divorce happened. Whether the musical aspect of my life was involved, I can't say.

 

 

Occassionally, band commitments do happen to collide with family commitments, and guess what? With my fiancee, she totally understands that, and my gigs come first. She has a large family, and I miss at least one wedding, a christening, an anniversary party, several birthday parties and the occassional wake every year.

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My wife was jealous at first, but I pointed out to her that no matter what, I always wind up in the same place - home. Since then she's been fine. Back when I had "day jobs," it was easier, but now she makes almost all the money in the household. My hat's off to her for being strong enough to support a guy who had never played in a band when we met. It's been 15 official years now.

 

:)

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She used to hate all of the above. But now she's really cool with it and has begun to enjoy her alone time. Plus she likes that I'm doing something I love. It took some time, but now it's all good. She comes out once in a while to see my bands, and that's enough for her.

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I'm not married, but my girlfriend loves the fact that I'm in a band. She sings jazz, and we met though music at church. She says that one of the things which she was attracted to about me was my musical ability. She is extremly supportive of my music and trusts me to not get up to havoc with girls at gigs.

She knows I want to be a muso full time, and I've told her I'll probably be broke for years. She says she doesnt care as long as we can be together and I'm happy.

 

Needless to say, I'm a lucky guy and I intend to marry this woman.

But I do think you have to chose which is more important. My girlfriend Jo comes first , I love her, and I would completely lay down music in a heartbeat, if she ever asked me to.

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My husband and I are both in the band, it's a project that we work on together and I feel it brings us closer. We don't have any jealousy issues, and laugh it off when an audience member flirts with on or the other of us. We don't plan to have children of our own, the band is our baby and we put as much effort and energy into our music as we would into raising a child.

 

My daughter is okay with the band, because she's interested in music. My son, however, did and still does have great resentment because I was always tied up on the weekends and because practice was noisy. My ex husband, who has a 50's perception of women, is quick to point out my real or imagined motherly failings to my kids, and unfortunately my son buys into that crap.

 

Things are much better since the boy went off to college and is discovering his own place in the world. The less dependent he is on me, the better we get along.

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