Does Your Spouse/significant Other Support Your Career?

[One_Dude]

This is a really interesting thread and thanks to all, especially Terry D. for their input. My wife and I have been married a long time, more years than I care to admit. I think that she "tolerates" my music involvement, sometimes more than at other times. She really has little interest in most kinds of music; country sucks, bluegrass is boring, R&R has too many weirdos, jazz is full of druggie losers, (all her words). When she gets into my car the first thing she does is change the radio station to her favorite, which is just a notch or two above elevator music.

 

My wife wants to have input with regard to who I play music with. Folks that don't fit her definition of upstanding straight arrows get disapproval. I don't drink or smoke and quite honestly have turned down offers to join groups because I didn't like either the behavior or practices of some of the group members. When our kids were young I was very aware of setting a good example for them and was careful about who I associated with. So in that regard I feel that I am somewhat discrimminating in my choices.

 

She has always been more supportive when I am invovled with Praise & Worship groups. I am in one now and we also play other jobs occassionally but the praise & worship is the focus. Just this past week I spent part of four evenings either playing, rehearsing, or enjoying the company of the other members. My wife joined us for two of the evenings, so I guess it's fair to say that she is supportive for now.

 

Early in our marriage I resented the fact that I didn't have the opportunity to spend much time on the road with my music. I felt that the "road" was something I should have done before marriage. But that was my fault and not hers. Over the years there have been a few road trips with various groups where she came along and all went well.

 

Over the years I've played in R&R bands, jazz bands, cover bands, and praise & worship bands. I'd really like to try a Bluegrass band. The current praise & worship band mixes in some Bluegrass so maybe I can ease my way into it without too much of an objection from her.

 

When I look back I realize that while I've made some money playing music, I've made a lot more by teaching music. The current praise & worship group is a freebie, but at least it keeps me involved.

 

JR

[wikwox]

I met my wife at a gig so the pattern was set. I find the key is for there to be a woman associated with the band(singer,player or wife/girlfriend) she can relate to. Then she comes out all the time and has a good time. Without this key asset it ain't so good. This has been going on for 25 years. Here's to the next 25.

[MrKnobs]

Originally posted by wikwox I met my wife at a gig so the pattern was set. I find the key is for there to be a woman associated with the band(singer,player or wife/girlfriend) she can relate to. Then she comes out all the time and has a good time. Without this key asset it ain't so good. This has been going on for 25 years. Here's to the next 25.

 

As long as your wife isn't suspicious of the woman in the band, or jealous that she's on stage with you and the wife is not.

 

Otherwise, uh-oh.

 

Terry D.

[Blackwatch]

One thing I've just been thinking about is when I first started giging my wife said that it made her very nervous, almost like she was on stage. This might be one part of the un comfortableness some of these spouses are feeling. I'm sure the other part is simple insecurity. "If he's successfull he'll leave me".

 

Another thought.........

 

I remember a turning point in our relationship and my music a long while back. I got very drunk at a friends boat and they had a good friend staying with them who was a very beautiful woman who had recently broken up with her boyfriend. She and I hit it off immediately and proceeded to get drunk together. My wife wasn't there and we were going through a wierd period in our relationship.

Well at the end of the evening we were outside and this woman looks me in the eye and leans over and gives me a very sweet kiss and says thank you for paying attention to me I really needed it.

Months after that I wrote a song "I saw love in your eyes" about the nature of love and the people we actually fall for. My wife recoqnised what it was about and we had a big fight. It finally got worked out when I looked her in the eye and said" Honey, I love you more than anyone else and I'm very happy living with you, but I will not let you censure my creative heart. You have to trust me that if something is wrong I'll tell you, and although I can see this song makes you uncomfortable , it's my way of getting at something that I need to learn and if you limit me in expressing it, you're going to stifle me and I'll end up resenting you rather than loving you"....

 

That became a pivitol point in our relationship and we came away from the whole thing alot more open with each other and me alot more committed to my art........

[MrKnobs]

Originally posted by Blackwatch Months after that I wrote a song "I saw love in your eyes" about the nature of love and the people we actually fall for. My wife recoqnised what it was about and we had a big fight.

 

This is a HUGE problem for songwriters, or writers for that matter.

 

Terry D.

[bbrunskill]

My girl supports me and often performs with me.

But it has to be balanced, time and attention spent with her and with music.

I always ask her before I purchase gear, and if she says no I leave it at that.

A few months ago I passed up a chance to go full time as a guitarist, because we would have had to move to Australia and tour lots. I don't want to drag her around like that, because she deserves better. And she has dreams too.

 

I think you just have to choose your priority, and stick with it. But for me, my Jo comes first and music is a crazy fun hobby.

 

Best of luck to you dude!

[elbow]

Originally posted by MrKnobs This is a HUGE problem for songwriters, or writers for that matter. Terry D.

 

I've / We've written several songs and more than one has started some {censored}... some with my SO.

 

We write about our experiences.. with maybe some embelishment or slight slant on what really happened or who was involved, but those that know us well know what's being communicated in the song. A personal story with some real heart behind it is the best material and it comes across to the audience.

[Roy Brooks]

Yes, my wife supports my music career. She goes with me to play most of the time and has even bought me a few nice guitars.

[digital_whisper]

My wife is simply the best about my music. For 10 years now our arrangement has been very simple. I stay at home during the work week and watch the kids and take care of the house (mr moming it) and she works full time to support us financially. Then, when she gets off work, the evenings and weekends are mine to concentrate on all things music.

 

We agreed a long time ago that it was smarter financially for me to reinvest all the money I make off the music into gear than to take money from the family for stuff. So, every penny I make from teaching, gigging, my little home studio, etc goes back in.

 

When we went house hunting last year, the architecture of house was one of the details we were both looking at. We agreed we would find a house that would take care of the family and my studio.

 

She rarely comes to see me play (mostly because she watches the kids) but loves to when she can. I make sure to play at least a handful of all ages shows during the summer so she can bring the kids and catch the gig.

 

She's never on me about how much I spend on gear of what I buy and she busts her ass to make sure that I have time to work.

[wheresgrant3]

My fiancee supports/tolerates my hobby with the understanding that it doesn't tip the balance of our relationship.

 

I gig 40-45 times a year. The band is in high demand and I make decent money ($100+ all shows). But I would never begin to call this a career. If anything it's my escape from a career. I have a career, a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, puts money away into a savings account. If you are referring to this side job that pays "extra pocket money "as your career then that might be part of your problem right there. You need to be realistic about what consistutes a side hobby and what defines a self-supporting career.

 

My dad used to love to fish. Occasionally he enter some fishing derbies and won some prize money. By no means was he a professional fisherman. Just like 30 gigs a year for some extra side money doesn't make you a professional entertainer. Unless your main income comes from these gigs and you are being paid on union scale, you'll need to find a middle ground in dealing with your wife.

 

Is your wife jealous about the time you spend away at gigs...? is she concerned b/c you refer to this as your career?...Soes she think you are cheating? is she just mad b/c she doesn't get to go? If you are smart you'll dig a little deeper and find out the reason why she's so upset.

 

If that doesn't work you can always buy a bit of happiness...

 

Some things that have worked for me....

- an occasional trip to a day spa

- a weekend away at a B&B

- a surpise dinner for two at our favorite resturaunt

- a nice outfit from her favorite store....

 

all expressions of love that came from gig money... with still plenty left over to buy a new synth workstation and guitar cabinet.

[satannica]

Some of you guys have no {censored}ing balls!

 

If music is your life, then you're pretty much a faggot for letting a woman getting in the way of it!

 

If you gig less because you love a woman and do it by choice, then cool, no complaints from me!

 

But if you're going home to a war simply for going out to a gig, then you're gutless! You're with the wrong women!

 

Mine doesn't like to come to gigs because she's been to loads but there's never been an issue with me going to a gig or going to a bandmate's house to rehearse.

 

J

[curet30]

If that doesn't work you can always buy a bit of happiness... Some things that have worked for me.... - an occasional trip to a day spa - a weekend away at a B&B - a surpise dinner for two at our favorite resturaunt - a nice outfit from her favorite store.... all expressions of love that came from gig money... with still plenty left over to buy a new synth workstation and guitar cabinet.

 

The latter sounds best for me. Once our finances are together - I'll try ALL four options you listed!

[Brian Krashpad]

Originally posted by satannica If music is your life, then you're pretty much a faggot for letting a woman getting in the way of it!

 

Seriously, you can't find any better way of expressing this idea without using a slur?

 

[guitarmook]

My wife is my partner - in all things. She supports things that she thinks are good for me, and for us, and explains to me why she doesn't support other things. She is great. I didn't start gigging until after we had been together a few years. She encouraged me to get out there. She encourages me to be a better player, and is the first one to tell me I had a bad night, and what I need to work on.

 

All that support aside, she comes first. In my priorities list, it's our relationship, my income-producing job, and THEN the band. We communicate early and often, and work hard to schedule things so that the main priorities are taken care-of, so the fun stuff can happen, too.

 

Most of our problems have occured when I haven't taken care of her needs, or our priorities first - when I put the band priorities a little too high.

[Fendercaster]

I guess my wife tolerates my playing music. I met her almost 30 years ago, when I was playing in a band with her first husband. After 30 years, she's a bit tired of hearing the same old crap, but she still occasionally goes to jobs with me. It's really a no win situation, she bitches that I play too much, then turns around and bitches that I don't have a part time job to help with the bills like she does. I may enjoy playing, but I do get paid for it, and give her most of the money!

[Terry Allan Hall]

Originally posted by Blackwatch I don't know you or your wife but I'd have to question a relationship where one tries to deny the other something they love to do. You might try some conseling to see where the insecurity is comming from. The best of luck.....

 

Excellent advise!

 

My ex- was totally negative about my music career (although she never minded taking the $$$!)...one day, the day after a gig opening for Jimmy Buffett, she said, "You know, I just realized that you're serious about music!" (I guess the gear that filled up most of our living room wasn't enough of a clue )

 

My present wife is wonderful about it...when one of my 12-strings was stolen, and I was looking for a replacement, she came along and insisted that I buy a Taylor, rather than a less expensive instrument, saying, "This one sounds better, and you'll just end up getting better gigs than with a cheaper one, so it'll pay for itself faster!"