Does Your Spouse/significant Other Support Your Career?

[curet30]

Hi Folks,

 

I'm relatively new on these boards so if this question/topic has been posed - I apologize.

 

Yet I ask the question - how does your spouse/significant other feel about your career?

 

I've been married for 8 years and my wife still does not approve/enjoy/support the career I've chosen. It's not like it's a full time gig. I mentioned earlier, we gig about 30 times a year and maybe two times out of the year we gig out of town. The rest of the time I come straight home after a gig. This is really extra pocket money coming in.

 

With all the complaints I get from my wife ("how unproductive this is" or "you love this more than you love your family"), when I come through the door and get into bed, she asks "DID YOU GET PAID?. Now she knows d@%n well I got paid. As "horrible as this career is" she always has her hand out asking for $$ from my gigs. Now she's pissing me off asking when the royalty check is coming from PBS, from the last Doo Wop Special that was aired recently. I've been singing with this particular group for 11 years, my wife knew what she was getting into 8 years ago.

 

Do you get support or do you get grief?

[BlueStrat]

 

Originally posted by curet30 Hi Folks, I'm relatively new on these boards so if this question/topic has been posed - I apologize. Yet I ask the question - how does your spouse/significant other feel about your career? I've been married for 8 years and my wife still does not approve/enjoy/support the career I've chosen. It's not like it's a full time gig. I mentioned earlier, we gig about 30 times a year and maybe two times out of the year we gig out of town. The rest of the time I come straight home after a gig. This is really extra pocket money coming in. With all the complaints I get from my wife ("how unproductive this is" or "you love this more than you love your family"), when I come through the door and get into bed, she asks "DID YOU GET PAID? . Now she knows d@%n well I got paid. As "horrible as this career is" she always has her hand out asking for $$ from my gigs. Now she's pissing me off asking when the royalty check is coming from PBS , from the last Doo Wop Special that was aired recently. I've been singing with this particular group for 11 years, my wife knew what she was getting into 8 years ago. Do you get support or do you get grief?

 

 

Support. My decision to go into semi-retiement was mine to make, but she put up with the ups and downs and road gigs and having to deal with the kids alone for a long time without complaining. If i decided to go back to gigging every week again and going out of town, she'd be fine with it. I always appreciate that she lets me come to my own conclusions about the music business.

[daddymack]

my ex hated it, even though she met me on a gig. She was happy whe nI retired the first time and sold off the 'coliseum rig'.

When I went back into it, she never came to a gig.

 

My fiancee, who I also met on a gig, rarely misses a show, except for the private/corporate gigs. She doesn't care about the money, just that I am doing what I love...

[SanDiego333]

I met my ex at a gig as well. She was totally supportive, thought it was "cool", etc. Then when HER reality set in...lots of friday / saturday nights where she's either alone or in a bar somewhere, but "off-limits" to the bar patrons....it became a different story. She wanted a "normal" life where we just hang out or go to dinner on weekend evenings. And you know, that's totally cool. I respect it. Just got VERY frustrating to not have the support.

[Blackwatch]

My wife of 30 years has been great about the whole music thing. She came to every single gig for the first 2 years, but she's finally hung that up and I don't blame her. But she's always been my biggest supporter. Lately she's been saintly as I go through my current GAS phase.

 

I don't know you or your wife but I'd have to question a relationship where one tries to deny the other something they love to do. You might try some conseling to see where the insecurity is comming from. The best of luck.....

[THBv2.0]

My wife has been the greatest. When we first met there was no indication other than me playing the guitar that I would go into this to the extent that I have. Without her support I'd be dead in the water.

 

:love:

[srsfallriver]

My fiancee supports it. I was doing it way before we met, it brings in a good portion of our income, and I get pissy and tough to live with if I don't gig much. Wether or not she'll still support it after years of marriage remains to be seen but I can't see why she wouldn't.

[zookie]

I married a musician. After settling down with a mortgage and a kid, we started gigging as a duo. It's been great.

[Timmylikesthing]

My wife supports my career. Which is engineering. My big time consuming hobby she's okay with too.

 

She knows I'm doing what I love and I love the fact that she's in the front row at all our shows and gets angry when she misses one. She sings our songs and is really supportive. It's good to know you always have one fan in the audience.

 

After ready some of the above I realize how lucky I am to have her. I'd tell her, but she's at home asleep.

 

Tim

[Preacher Will]

 

Originally posted by zookie I married a musician. After settling down with a mortgage and a kid, we started gigging as a duo. It's been great.

 

 

Well, neither one of us would consider ourselves musicians . . .we play for fun and companionship and self expression. . . but my wife and I play together. Some years ago, I recruited her to play with me in a band. When I left, she stayed. A couple of years later, after I'd put together a new band and been playing with them for a couple of years, I recruited her back to play with me. Still, she's not always happy about how much time rehearsals and planning and troubleshooting and all the other myriad things necessary to keeping a band going take.

 

Going back to Curet30's original beef, though, it sounds like your relationship is a recipe for disaster. Is what you're doing a "career" or "extra pocket money?" If it truly is a career, then it sounds to me like you two have a major conflict on your hands. If it is just a small side-business, then you might want to make some adjustments for the good of your marriage. At some point, everyone needs to make a decision on their priorities.

[bonscottvocals]

I'm a systems administrator, and I make very good money. My wife has no problems with that. I was a Fire Controlman in the Navy, and I retired, she not only supported that, I wanted to get out many times, but she pushed me to complete that. So I guess I would say that she supports my career.

 

As far as being a singer/guitar player, she goes to some gigs, doesn't go to others. She isn't crazy about for my love of gear, but that ebbs and flow.

[bonscottvocals]

Oh, and curet30, just from the way you're describing this, it goes beyond. Sounds like you and your significant other need counseling or to call it a day. Just an observation by the way you worded this paragraph:

 

 

With all the complaints I get from my wife ("how unproductive this is" or "you love this more than you love your family"), when I come through the door and get into bed, she asks "DID YOU GET PAID?. Now she knows d@%n well I got paid. As "horrible as this career is" she always has her hand out asking for $$ from my gigs. Now she's pissing me off asking when the royalty check is coming from PBS, from the last Doo Wop Special that was aired recently. I've been singing with this particular group for 11 years, my wife knew what she was getting into 8 years ago.

 

[fastplant]

My wife doesn't come out to gigs very often. She's not very musical, and "it always sounds the same" to her. But she fully supports my love of music, and understands it. I think she also enjoys the quiet nights when I'm out playing. The money doesn't hurt either.

[THX1138]

I'm very fortunate for several reasons... I met my wife at a gig in Florida while I was in a touring cover band. So, she knew right from the start that this music thing was a pretty big deal to me. She has always been very supportive. Sure I get thrown hints every now and then that maybe I should quit workin on that new promo kit and load the dishwasher, but for the most part, very supportive. Luckily for me, she's pretty low maintenance, and she has two sisters that live minutes away. So she always has people to hang with when I'm away. She doesn't have to go it alone so to speak.

[summit111]

My Brothers,

 

We solved that problem real quick, we put them in the band!

 

Our group started as a hobby several years ago, and we gig once a month and practice once a week. Three of the wives sing "backup!" We're all boomers and they get the biggest thrill going on stage. They have their own gig case with mics, tambourines, shakers, etc. When we make a road trip to Guitar Center, they come along and go to the mall for new "stage clothes." Our keyboard players wife is glad to get him out of the house, and she rarely sees us play.

 

Our group is the King Pa-Ka-Yea' Band, and the wives are known as the "Pa-Ka-Yettes."

 

Keep the girls involved and it makes your life easier. "Happy wife, happy life."

 

Summit111

"Old School Rock & Roll"

[maxnew40]

My wife plays bass in my cover band, so no real problems there.

 

Max

[Tedster]

For me, mostly grief ...I guess. My wife is a completely different kind of person. She could be telling me I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread in one breath, and how the only thing I think about is my "{censored}ing music" in the next.

 

I think, Curet30...that your wife, like mine, resents music. In my wife's case, rather than finding something SHE'S good at and pursuing it as a hobby/extra money/whatever, she'd rather make MY life miserable because I have something.

 

Lately she seems to have given up, though. She knows how pointless it is. I'll quit music when she quits smoking...which, in her case, will be when she passes on. I, too, plan to play until they pry the guitar out of my cold, dead hands.

[RupertB]

She supports me playing. There have been occasional disagreements, but we're pretty much on the same page.

 

Before we got married, I sat her down and said (something to the effect of) "Playing music is something that will always be a part of my life. It is like oxygen for my soul & without it, a part of me will die."

 

There are several things I do to stave off "the grief":

 

1) I always come home on time and with money in my pocket. Half is hers. The rest is my GAS money.

 

2) GAS money goes to pay for musical expenses and new gear. I don't dip into paycheck money to buy gear. Don't buy things I don't need for gigs or recording.

 

3) Playing gigs & practices are what I choose for my "fun time". The rest of my time is spent with my family, coaching soccer, working on the house, yard, cars, & other chores. I don't expect to play a gig on Friday night & then go out with "the boys" on Saturday.

 

4) I make sure she knows that she is always welcome to come to my gigs. Nothing will {censored} with a womans head like telling her she can't come or you need to know ahead of time whether or not she is coming to a gig.

[Outkaster]

 

Originally posted by bonscottvocals Oh, and curet30, just from the way you're describing this, it goes beyond. Sounds like you and your significant other need counseling or to call it a day. Just an observation by the way you worded this paragraph:

 

 

Where are you Upstate?

[Brian Krashpad]

Yes, my wife supports my career as a lawyer very much.

 

The band thing, not as much.

 

But, we had a talk before we got married and I told her I would always be in bands, until I was physically incapable of it, or when it wasn't any fun any more.

 

She does not give me much grief over it, and being in 2 rock bands (even though each plays max once a month or so) and playing weekly in church, that's saying something.

 

There's no real money in it, which she knows, and she does not ask me about band finances.

 

So basically I got it good.

 

BK

[MrKnobs]

Originally posted by curet30 Do you get support or do you get grief?

 

I get some of each. In fact I get a lot of mixed messages that leave me scratching my head. So I have to ignore what she says and look to her actions for an explanation. By the way, this is good advice when trying to figure out anyone's real motivations.

 

I think my wife's primary motivation when she gives me grief is jealousy. Not jealousy in the sense that I might hook up with some dumb young thing at a show, but jealousy that I'm trying to live my dream and she's put her dreams aside.

 

20 years of marriage has taught me to deal with her (occasional) {censored} head on, since her style is non-confrontational (which I find far worse than just getting it out on the table).

 

I call her frequent bluffs with both the carrot and the stick.

 

I prefer using the carrot, and that comes when she bitches about her life or her job. I tell her, "I can understand why it bothers you that I'm happy and you're miserable. I prefer to resolve this disparity by making us both happy, not by making us both miserable. So why don't you quit the job that's making you unhappy, and try something else that might make you happy? You don't have to work, I'll support us both. I'd rather you be happy and have peace in the house than have the extra money that we just put in savings anyway."

 

Sometimes, though, the stick is needed. A while back, she amazed me by saying, "If not for you, I could have been a musician."

 

I told her, "Really? You're still pretty young. What's stopping you?"

 

She told me (for the first time, I might add) that her plan of going to audio engineering school was to be a stepping stone to being a musician. She didn't end up doing that because there was a recession in Texas in 1985 and I couldn't find a decent job in the small town of Waco TX where she wanted to go to school. I found a job in Austin so we moved here instead. Apparently, she's been quietly holding that against me for years.

 

Well, my philosophy is if you don't ask for what you want, and don't make any effort to get it yourself, then you got what you deserve, nothing.

 

Time for the stick.

 

I told her, "Have you not seen how well that plan worked for me? If you want to be a musician, doing sound is a time wasting diversion. All the exact times you should be out playing are the same times you're doing sound instead. Do sound if you love doing sound, play music if you love playing music, it's that simple. So you never really wanted to do sound?"

 

Her: "I love doing sound!"

 

Me: "Your actions speak otherwise. We live in a house with a recording studio built in, we have clients who pay us for it, you have access to all the stuff 24/7, and yet I never see you in there using it. I suspect you don't even know how to use the current console and recorder, even though the setup hasn't changed in five years now. Face it, you don't have any interest in recording or live sound anymore. AND THAT'S OK."

 

Her: "Well I'd rather play, but I don't have any time."

 

Me: "Again, your actions tell a different story. When is the last time you practiced? I live here, I know what you do! If you really wanted to play, you'd find time instead of doing something else. Again, quit your job or reduce your hours and find a way to be happy! We don't need the money from your job, we need to be happy!"

 

I'm sure the above paints a mean picture of me. But all of us live from time to time in an artificial reality that consists of excuses, rationalizations, and denial. These things are so clear to everyone who knows us, but not to ourselves. Part of loving someone is telling them the truth and accepting that you're going to be unpopular with them for a while until they digest it all.

 

I understand my wife's problem all too well. Every human being has a need to be creative, and jobs where creativity is encouraged are very competitive to get and often don't pay well. If you allow your creativity to be crushed, and your dreams to be put on hold for too long, in effect you are already dead. You're a function, not a human being, a flesh robot that exists only to endlessly repeat the cycle of work and recharging until one day you are too old and obsolete and are therefore discarded without a thought like a used tissue by the impersonal corporation you gave your misguided loyalty to. F*ck that!

 

Which brings us back around to the original point of this thread, finally.

 

It takes guts and hard work to attempt a creative living. People who do this scare the {censored} out of their loved ones and also create resentment in those who want the same thing but lack the guts or the drive to pursue it. It's supremely ironic that someone who loves you would push you back down into your familiar misery rather than let you evolve as a human being, because of their own fear. But that's exactly what happens, it's human nature.

 

So my advice to you is to attack the problem at its source. Open the lines of communication, even if you have to pry them open. Find the fear at the root of the problem, and address it. Reassure your loved one that there is nothing to fear and everything to gain by encouraging your joy and freedom in music.

 

And most importantly, find THEIR dream and encourage them to pursue it too. Support them, and teach them by your own example to express fear as fear, rather than as anger or resentment. Fear is nothing to be ashamed of, and it has an amazing tendency to evaporate when you put it out on the table. Fear is like some nasty, anaerobic bacteria that thrives in the mud and filth at the bottom of our animal prebrains, but dies in the light and oxygen of open and honest communication.

 

Do you know why people express fear as anger? I do. Because telling someone you're afraid requires you to be vulnerable. Many people would rather eat dirt than show another person their vulnerability. And yet, showing vulnerability to another person is the most courageous act there is, and also the act most likely to endear yourself to another. Life is really, really ironic.

 

I don't know you or your wife, but I know a few things for sure about both of you. Something about your gigging scares your wife. Get her to talk about it, find out what it is, and reassure her.

 

The other thing I know is that your wife has dreams in her heart that are slowly dying. Get her to talk about those dreams, and take immediate and concrete steps to support her in finding and achieving her dreams. Remind her the two of you are on the same side. It might take a while to convince her, but when you do, your effort will be rewarded in kind.

 

Terry D.

[Lee Flier]

All wonderful advice Terry.

 

One thing I've learned over time though, is that sometimes the gigging IS the fear. Sometimes the resentment just comes from the fact that you're away often, or distracted with music related projects even if at home, and the person just doesn't like to spend that many nights alone. Sometimes a spouse's dream is the relationship itself - to make that the center of your life together. And to have to share that center doesn't feel very good. If sharing a particular person's company is what really makes you happy, and you'd rather do that than anything else, and that person is off with other people a lot of the time (whether at work or combined work + music or whatever), then it stands to reason the spouse is going to feel unfulfilled.

 

I'm not saying that's true of everybody... everybody has varying degrees of togetherness that they want, and some people really are just insecure/jealous/fearful/whatever. Just saying that sometimes the resentment doesn't come from a deeper insecurity at all but simply "What I really want most is to be with you tonight and you're somewhere else." And when those times happen a lot, it can add up.

[LateGreats]

My wife doesn't like it when I'm not feeding the music jones. It just means I'm in her hair more being annoying.

 

The key is time management. If you make a life schedule and stick to it, you can do everything you want to do and still meet your real world responsibilities.

[Marlin in Minn]

My SO supports my career, mainly because that's where most of our money comes from.

 

Now my hobbies are sometimes a different story. I'm not an outgoing people person, but I do meet a lot of people through my hobbies and I get invited to a lot of different activities.

 

While she normally doesn't complain about the time I spend on my hobbies, a reoccurring theme of hers is that she doesn't have any friends up here, but I do.

 

I've told her many times, find a hobby that you enjoy and at the very least you'll have that in common with other people that enjoy doing that. And that's a good way to build friendships.

 

But, she doesn't seem to really enjoy doing anything that involves other people than me. At our age that worries me a bit...

[MBA27]

My ex-fiance used to accuse me of liking my guitars more than her. She was right.

 

My wife hates weekly practices, but loves seeing me play out. She's learning to play the drums, so we have "jam time" too, and I think that helps her understand why I take practice seriously.