When is it cheating?

[2manband]

It doesn't sound like a deal breaker to me - I think you can work it out, you both seem to have a pretty good understanding of the issues that are at stake - that's one of the hardest parts to resolving them.

And keep this one in the bank for later - like if you want to do something totally F'd up - not cheating, but like, blowing some $ or flaking out for a week - this is your one get out of jail free card.

[brassic]

Thanks Blackwatch.

Originally posted by 2manband And keep this one in the bank for later - like if you want to do something totally F'd up - not cheating, but like, blowing some $ or flaking out for a week - this is your one get out of jail free card.

Funny you should mention that... he's now browsing for "forgiveness gifts". The question that now needs to be answered is...

Xotic AC Booster or Digitech Whammy?

[zookie]

Originally posted by brassic Funny you should mention that... he's now browsing for "forgiveness gifts". The question that now needs to be answered is... Xotic AC Booster or Digitech Whammy?

Sounds like you have your head screwed on straight.

I'm glad you posted an update and especially glad to hear you're maintaining an even keel and doing the work that needs to be done.

[brassic]

Originally posted by zookie I'm glad you posted an update and especially glad to hear you're maintaining an even keel and doing the work that needs to be done.

Ssh, don't tell anyone... it'll ruin my rock and roll cred if word gets out that I'm all sensible and stable!

[zookie]

Originally posted by brassic Ssh, don't tell anyone... it'll ruin my rock and roll cred if word gets out that I'm all sensible and stable!

Got it.

So you chopped up all his photos with a chainsaw in the front yard and dipped his shoes in pig {censored}.

[brassic]

Originally posted by zookie So you chopped up all his photos with a chainsaw in the front yard and dipped his shoes in pig {censored}.

 

 

Damn, you're GOOD!

 

Though...I have to admit when I found the photo (he'd come home and had passed out drunk by this time) that I roused him from his drunken slumber with a large pitcher of very cold water. Even though I was spitting nails at this point, I almost laughed out loud at the look on his face...

[Guitar Centaur]

Originally posted by brassic Damn, you're GOOD! Though...I have to admit when I found the photo (he'd come home and had passed out drunk by this time) that I roused him from his drunken slumber with a large pitcher of very cold water. Even though I was spitting nails at this point, I almost laughed out loud at the look on his face...

I did that to my ex-wife once, after she came home {censored}faced with a leather jacket she had stolen out of whatever nightclub she ended up in that night.

It is one of my fondest memories of our time together.

[gtrbass]

It's funny how people can rationalize cheating, like "it's not cheating if there's no penetration", or "it's not cheating if my SO is in another county."

One thing I was surprised to learn a few years ago is that there are actaully two types of affairs. One type is called an emotional affair (EA) and it does not have to include any physical contact. It's equally as damaging as a physical affair (PA). There's a difference between flirtation and an EA because in an EA the parties are interacting by choice, and it goes way further than simple cutesy flirting. Even if it's all over the internet or by phone you're still doing something inappropriate because you are engaging in a form of emotional intimacy with someone other than your SO. You're sharing a part of yourself that should be private.

Bottom line: If you have to hide it from your SO, it's inappropriate.

[MrKnobs]

Originally posted by brassic And this is the wake-up call that I needed. Oh yeah, for those of you who hadn't already guessed, I'm the "significant other" who found out about my boyfriend and (ex)friend's exchange.

This is the right attitude, you're smart to see it this way.

Things were headed to a bad place, you detected it early before too much damage was done, and you've realized that both of you need to work on your relationship to get it where it should be.

It takes a classy person to set their anger aside and consider making some changes in their own behavior when they're the injured party.

I don't know your age, but whatever it is, you're wise beyond your years.

Terry D.

[Lee Flier]

Originally posted by MrKnobs (1) If it's something you hide from your partner, you probably shouldn't be doing it, and (2) What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Meaning, if you wouldn't want your partner to be doing it, you shouldn't be either.

+1000.

Note that two people can agree to any rules they want in a relationship (e.g. swingers), but nobody can agree to feel a certain way.

Yes, and oftentimes when people "agree" to certain rules they're only doing it out of fear they'll lose the partner if they don't. Make sure you don't put your partner in the position of feeling forced to agree with some outlandish arrangement that deep down makes them feel awful.

Everybody needs the three "A's" each and every day: attention, affirmation, and affection. Each of us has a preference of these three and needs differing amounts. I say "need" rather than want because if you decide you'll do without the three "A's" your subconscious will go behind your back and get what you need anyway, somehow; it's that important.

PLUS A FRIGGIN BILLION.

I've known quite a number of people who like to pretend they don't need those things, because they either don't like to admit their vulnerabilities or don't want to have to be responsible for providing these things for their partner. Or more likely, a little of both.

It always leads to their seeking the three A's elsewhere, and often leads to the further decline and/or destruction of their relationships, which of course only reinforces their resolve not to be too vulnerable to one person. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Having said all that, a little flirting is harmless. It can make you feel good about yourself, and the other person good about himself or herself. No harm done.

U betcha.

And glad to hear you're getting things sorted out brassic - sounds like you're doing all the right things.

[MrKnobs]

Originally posted by Lee Flier It always leads to their seeking the three A's elsewhere, and often leads to the furthe decline and/or destruction of their relationships, which of course only reinforces their resolve not to be too vulnerable to one person. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

And then you'll be needing the other three A's: an alias, an alibi, and an alternate plan.

Terry D.

[elsongs]

One piece of advice:

NEVER let your ex-SO have access to your time machine.

[renier]

well, i can't answer all those questions for ya, but i would definately publish the said naked pictures on a public musicians forum in, say, the "backstage with the band" section. in at least 1600 x 1200. on a fast server. oh, and a downloadable zip would be nice to.

j/k. i dont know what i would do. but asking people on an internet forum might not be the best idea. people tend to make you walk THEIR talk.


goodluck.

[brassic]

Originally posted by renier well, i can't answer all those questions for ya, but i would definately publish the said naked pictures on a public musicians forum in, say, the "backstage with the band" section. in at least 1600 x 1200. on a fast server. oh, and a downloadable zip would be nice to. j/k. i dont know what i would do. but asking people on an internet forum might not be the best idea. people tend to make you walk THEIR talk. goodluck.

Sir, I am a lady. And do you really want to see photos of my boyfriend naked?

Sometimes asking opinions of people not connected to you in "real life" helps. They are removed enough so that they don't feel obligated to take sides or tell you what they think you want to hear. It means that you might have to put up with some flippant comments, but they offer more objectivity than the mom, sister, or best friend who wants to protect your feelings might.

[renier]

Originally posted by brassic Sir, I am a lady. And do you really want to see photos of my boyfriend naked? Sometimes asking opinions of people not connected to you in "real life" helps. They are removed enough so that they don't feel obligated to take sides or tell you what they think you want to hear. It means that you might have to put up with some flippant comments, but they offer more objectivity than the mom, sister, or best friend who wants to protect your feelings might.

oops, never mind, i'll pass!

and i know, sometimes it helps. problem is, a lot of people tend to tell you to do something they would like to do in real life, but don;t have the guts to do.

but i saw some good advice passing thru. Terry (MrKnobs) is known to be an intelligent, wellspoken guy with some good advice up his sleeve.

[bigby]

Me and my wife have a very easy way to define cheating; if it's something you wouldn't do in front of the other person, then yes. Of course, there's different levels of cheating and an innocent flirt is not the same as gettin' jiggy with it, but we always try to show respect for one another whether or not the other person is with us at the time.