How do you leave a band gracefully?

[tim_7string]

My last band did this to me. Not the best way to ditch somebody:mad:

 

I agree. It's like a "Dear John" kind of letter. The worst is when they don't tell you that you are out of the band, they just stop calling you for practice. Then if you show up unannounced, all of a sudden, someone else is doing your job (ala the movie Rock Star).

 

I'm going to tell them over the phone or in person, preferably in person. I'm going to a birthday party next weekend at a bar in the town where they live. I'll probably do it then and just basically explain what I want to accomplish and why it won't work with our current group. They assume that I want to go on the road and "be a big star" (and probably think I'm delusional as a result). Nothing could be further from the truth. I just want to have a 'band' (or hired guns/employer situation) where I implement my vision the way I see it.

 

What's funny is that when the drummer kept his mouth shut and we just kicked into song after song, people came up to us and remarked that they really liked how we kept the party going by going from song to song. Something the drummer and bass player apparently didn't understand nor did they care. They just didn't like me telling them to keep playing. Yet, they saw the results for themselves.

[Vito Corleone]

I've never played in a trio but reading your last post made me think how difficult that dynamic might actually be. Unless all 3 of you are on the same page, then it's ALWAYS going to be 2-against-1. Which is probably the worst imaginable situation. In any larger-band setting the numbers of 3-against-1, 2-2, 3-2, 4-1, etc. are either going to set a CLEAR consensus for one opinion or a division where everyone has at least some back-up. But 2-against-1 is tough. There's not enough of an advantage for one side to say "clear advantage", yet the odd man out is all alone.

[tim_7string]

 

I've never played in a trio but reading your last post made me think how difficult that dynamic might actually be. Unless all 3 of you are on the same page, then it's ALWAYS going to be 2-against-1. Which is probably the worst imaginable situation. In any larger-band setting the numbers of 3-against-1, 2-2, 3-2, 4-1, etc. are either going to set a CLEAR consensus for one opinion or a division where everyone has at least some back-up. But 2-against-1 is tough. There's not enough of an advantage for one side to say "clear advantage", yet the odd man out is all alone.

 

 

I calculated the different 'alliances' people could have in a trio, quartet and quintet. In a trio, there are only three ways to go. The guitarist-bassist, bassist-drummer and guitarist-drummer. Easy, if everyone thinks that way. But in a quartet, it goes *six* ways: vocalist-guitarist, guitarist-bassist, bassist-drummer, vocalist-drummer, vocalist-bassist and guitarist-drummer. With a quintet, it jumps up to 10!

 

I can see how a trio could work with two friends and someone else who is very much into the same things. Rush and ZZ Top are two examples of really long-lasting bands with the same members. I'm sure they have had fights and all, but ultimately can work out the issues.

 

I'm not one to go into race very often because I find that can be a cop-out for a lot of issues, but this may be a factor. Geography may be another. Both of them grew up in small Minnesota towns, they live in a very tiny Minnesota town and work at the same place in different departments.

 

Meanwhile, I am a Native American from an area in North Central North Dakota that has a lot of Native Americans around it. I've dealt with prejudice, bigotry and racism pretty much all my life. But I have also lived all over the place besides ND (WA, FL, MN, WI). I have a different perspective and way of looking at the world as a result of this. It's probably why we can't quite get on the same page. While I have family in small towns from when I was a kid, I was never only raised in one.

 

There may be other factors as well. But ultimately, the two of them will always be 2 against 1, whether they try to act otherwise or not. Simply by riding to gigs together and arriving together, there is a sense of they are one unit. Even though the bass player at one point early on said "we have a problem" and suggested we look for a new drummer because he was in two bands and couldn't decide which one was the priority, when I called him on it, he was too chicken to actually pull the trigger. Understandably so. He's gotta see the guy every day. He has years of shared experiences together.

 

Me? I'm just some guy that can play guitar better than the guys in their previous band and can actually sing songs in their original key (save for Twist And Shout) instead of changing them all to suit my voice. And that's pretty much it. They can't really relate to me. They don't KNOW me. They don't WANT to know me. So, it's always going to be an awkward situation.

 

I'll play out the gigs we have on the books. It's funny and tragic how people are so into the band at the place we played this past weekend. We're just now starting to make strides and it's becoming a crossroads: stay with the band for more 'success' but always be marginalized for what I actually do in the group or make my own way, which is a lot tougher, but ultimately more satisfying for me personally.

 

I choose me. Ego? Perhaps. But I think I've earned it after 25 years of letting others have their way.

[wardjames]

Our guitar player recently quit our band. He called me and said "Ward, I've decided I want to go in a different direction and have joined up with an acoustic trio to do beach gigs. I wish you guys the best."

 

I thought it was the perfect way to go. I'm sure he had issues with things we were doing, but really, what's the point of getting into them with me, since he was leaving?

 

I wished him the best, and we've parted as friends.

[js1]

My advice is to never burn bridges. The "Look guys, I'll be moving on after Apr 30, for personal reasons. Thanks for the last couple of years together." is my preferred approach.

 

You may well run into one of the players in a future project. Happened to me a month ago, where a guitarist auditioned for a project I'm in. I knew him from a previous band that we were in which ended ugly. Fortunately I didn't burn any bridges (tried to play peacemaker), and all was cool.

 

js

[steveosplace]

Two middle fingers up and let a out ripper on your way out the door.

 

Seriously tho, your future will be better if you tell them you've found something else that is exactly what you've always wanted to do (or just need a break) and thank them for all the good times.

[tim_7string]

Two middle fingers up and let a out ripper on your way out the door.

 

 

Seriously tho, your future will be better if you tell them you've found something else that is exactly what you've always wanted to do (or just need a break) and thank them for all the good times.

 

After all this hyperbole and venting, I've decided I'm just going to keep going with the trio and simultaneously have my other band named after myself, plus a solo acoustic show. That should keep me busy. Once I can focus on two other projects that are more fulfilling for me, it will be easier to just deal with the band I can't change.

 

Yeah, I know. Bite me.

[kmart]

Wow, after all that, you want to continue just smiling and 'taking it'?

 

I don't know; based on the way you describe it, I don't see how the positives of the situation will ever be even with, much less outweigh the negatives.

 

Do you fear confrontation (with them or yourself, perhaps)?

Sometimes, you have to just call a turd a turd and cut ties; it's better all around.

[tado921]

Maybe a moot point now, but we had a bass player quit with a text to me. He sent "I don't think the band is going in my direction. I'm stepping down. Good Luck."

 

My response: "Understand, thanks for being honest. No hard feelings, good luck to you".

 

Simple and to the point, everybody moves on.

[kmart]

Yeah, the medium is not the best, but the message was right.

 

I had decided to quit a band a few years back, and was leaving the house to go to practice to tell everyone; power outage, and I couldn't get the car out of the garage...

 

So I had to do the one thing I really didn't want to and email everyone (Really wanted to do it in person as I thought that was more 'right'). But the message was the same as if I'd have been there.

No burnt bridges on it. In fact, 2 years later, one of the guys (NOT the reason I quit) asked me to join his new project...And early last year, I took him up on it.

[stratotastic]

 

Yeah, the medium is not the best, but the message was right. I had decided to quit a band a few years back, and was leaving the house to go to practice to tell everyone; power outage, and I couldn't get the car out of the garage... So I had to do the one thing I really didn't want to and email everyone (Really wanted to do it in person as I thought that was more 'right'). But the message was the same as if I'd have been there. No burnt bridges on it. In fact, 2 years later, one of the guys (NOT the reason I quit) asked me to join his new project...And early last year, I took him up on it.

 

 

 

This day and age where emails, texts, and other instant communication are the norm, I really don't see the need to have a big face-to-face meeting with fanfare. Sure if it's not inconvenient, like after a gig or band practice when everyone's around, then by all means do it. But some of my recent band situations we've had guys driving 45 min to an hour to get to rehearsals. I'd much rather get a text or email sitting on my couch than dragging my ass 45 minutes away for a 5-minute not fun conversation.

[taco-man]

I've been following this thread, since I had decided to quit the band I have been in for four years.

 

I certainly had my share of issues that I felt like bringing up, but I went to rehearsal Tuesday, I got everyone's attention, and I said, "It's time for me to put in my notice." I happen to have been playing with another band that does material that I'm more fond of, so that was my main reasoning, but even without that, I agreed with this thread's "short and simple" advice. All other frustrations were irrelevant.

 

So the band said screw rehearsal, let's go out and get some drinks. So it was kind of a going-away party for me. It was nice, really. Last night, my wife and I babysat for one of the singers, and today is the drummer's birthday and I'm taking him out to lunch. I think this will reinforce my friendships with those guys, because I realize that being in a band, or being in business with friends can put a lot of stress on relationships.

 

Now, I hope this other band I'm still in will stay together.... we have six Army guys and they could be deployed.

[tim_7string]

 

Wow, after all that, you want to continue just smiling and 'taking it'? I don't know; based on the way you describe it, I don't see how the positives of the situation will ever be even with, much less outweigh the negatives. Do you fear confrontation (with them or yourself, perhaps)? Sometimes, you have to just call a turd a turd and cut ties; it's better all around.

 

 

Well, here are the points as I see them. I hesitate to call them facts, because they are only from my own perception of things.

 

The band is going somewhere because of the combined efforts of all three of us. As much as I can't stand the bass player messing up all the songs, his personality on and offstage is pleasant and fun. The drummer can be a cold asshole at times, but he is an amazing player.

 

I can't just replace the bass player. He owns the PA, lights, etc. My PA consists of a powered mixer and two 15" mains on sticks. There are very few places we would be able to play with this setup. And I doubt the drummer would stick with me even if I did get the bassist out. They are a team, two friends from the same town that works together at the same job.

 

If I quit, I have to start all the way over. Again. The band will consist of me. I would have to find another bass player and drummer. I don't have any gigs on the books that I have booked myself and not even close to the contacts this other guy has. We had to prove ourselves to one bar owner by being together for a YEAR before he asked us to book dates for 2011. Up until just a few days ago, we had to keep calling him and ask if there were any openings in his band schedule.

 

Any momentum that has been built up over the past year will come to a halt. He won't just book me and trust that I'll find other guys that are just as good. He wants a stable band and likes the way this particular group sounds together.

 

The drummers in town are all with other bands and are only interested with "filling in" with me. The guy I wanted to play bass guitar and sing harmony/lead firmly told me that he was only interested in fill-ins, not starting up a new project. The keyboardist/vocalist I want to work with has several other bands and wants to walk into something already set up for him.

 

These guys I'm playing with don't drink or smoke, something that is a godsend from all the smokers and drinkers I have dealt with over the years.

 

Basically, I don't have a name in this town. YET. I'm getting there, but right now, no one is banging on my door wanting to be in my band. But that may change the more I am seen.

 

So, I feel like if I pull the plug now, it will be more detrimental than helpful.

 

EDIT: On further reflection and some intense discussion with my wife, and taking your words into account, I'm thinking that it's best to remove myself from the band immediately. We don't have any gigs until four weeks from now, but I'm not going to want to play with these guys after I realized that I have sacrificed so much just to get this thing working and what I do is still not appreciated in this group.

 

Ultimately, I'd rather be with people that are of the same mindset as me or not at all. This band is turning me into something I'm not: toxic. And I don't want to be that way anymore.

[New Trail]

 

...Rush and ZZ Top are two examples of really long-lasting bands with the same members....

 

 

Actually, not to nitpick or anything, I think Rush had a different drummer on their first album.

[MellowMateo]

I would go with the 'Reach for the Skyler' method from South Park. "I'll see you guys on fame's backside!"

[vanlatte]

Ultimately, I'd rather be with people that are of the same mindset as me or not at all. This band is turning me into something I'm not: toxic. And I don't want to be that way anymore.

 

 

Excellent summary!

 

Sometimes I think people just beat around the bush without realizing things like this, myself included.

[vanlatte]

Send an Email....lay out the reasons for quiting, then say' until things improve to my satisfaction, then I will not come back'

 

"until things improve to my satisfaction"?

 

 

I think if I heard any ultimatum like that my response would be "Don't let the door hit you on the way out".

 

Seriously, unless you have not yet hit puberty I can't imagine ever having a conversation like that.

[Vito Corleone]

 

So, I feel like if I pull the plug now, it will be more detrimental than helpful. EDIT: On further reflection and some intense discussion with my wife, and taking your words into account, I'm thinking that it's best to remove myself from the band immediately.

 

 

No offense, but you've decided-to-quit/decided-to-stay with this band so many times now, my head is starting to spin!

 

I can't tell you whether it's best to stay with these guys or move on. But I CAN tell you that you have to settle down at some point. Every really good, successful band takes YEARS to get there. You're never going to really establish yourself if you keep changing bands every few months. You can't keep doing that the rest of your life. Whether it is with these guys or somebody else, you need to settle in and only make a change to another band if it is a definate step UP--like to an already established band. But to keep removing yourself from situations only to start over from the ground floor every time is just spinning your wheels.

[Vito Corleone]

 

Seriously, unless you have not yet hit puberty I can't imagine ever having a conversation like that.

 

Does one usually hit puberty BEFORE or AFTER they decide they are too old to play in the backyard in their bathrobe anymore?...

[rangefinder]

 

I'm not going to want to play with these guys after I realized that I have sacrificed so much just to get this thing working and what I do is still not appreciated in this group. Ultimately, I'd rather be with people that are of the same mindset as me or not at all. This band is turning me into something I'm not: toxic. And I don't want to be that way anymore.

 

 

Dude... seriously... what is with all this navel-gazing?

 

If the band rocks, and will take you somewhere you want to go, who friggin CARES if they appreciate you or not, whatever that even means? And what is this "mindset" business? It's a band, not a marriage. Yeah, there might be some similarities, but there are some pretty big differences as well.

 

I mean, go to the gigs, rock out, have fun, and IF at some point in the future, they want to bring in a different front man (or whatever), oh well. Deal with it then.

[vanlatte]

 

Does one usually hit puberty BEFORE or AFTER they decide they are too old to play in the backyard in their bathrobe anymore?...

 

 

Oh geez, how many alts does this guy have?!

[Vito Corleone]

 

Oh geez, how many alts does this guy have?!

 

 

I have no idea. But the MO is the same with every one---that combination of arrogance/immaturity/ignorance in posts filled with many "..."s and not understanding the difference between "your" and "you're"---makes him pretty easy to spot. He obviously doesn't even TRY to be discreet about who he is.

[tim_7string]

Actually, not to nitpick or anything, I think Rush had a different drummer on their first album.

 

Yeah, I guess I felt it unnecessary to list that their original drummer was with them for the first six years. Neil is still "the new guy" 36 years later!

[tim_7string]

 

No offense, but you've decided-to-quit/decided-to-stay with this band so many times now, my head is starting to spin! I can't tell you whether it's best to stay with these guys or move on. But I CAN tell you that you have to settle down at some point. Every really good, successful band takes YEARS to get there. You're never going to really establish yourself if you keep changing bands every few months. You can't keep doing that the rest of your life. Whether it is with these guys or somebody else, you need to settle in and only make a change to another band if it is a definate step UP--like to an already established band. But to keep removing yourself from situations only to start over from the ground floor every time is just spinning your wheels.

 

 

Agreed. So I am moving forward with my own group, which is basically a plan at this moment. But it was just a plan a year ago when I hired the two guys in the group now and it came true. It just didn't work out to my expectations. Sometimes that happens. If I had kept it my name and refused to make it a "band", hiring the drummer and firing the bassist replacing him with someone that could actually play well, I would still be with the group. But it became their band all of a sudden and I'm no longer interested in that.

 

And yeah, spinning my wheels is something I am an expert at. I've always been one to change things all the time and because of it, I have never had real success. Started with comics then moved into music. Now, I just want to be happy and I'm not happy right now. I will be happier when I get this other thing going.

[tim_7string]

 

Dude... seriously... what is with all this navel-gazing? If the band rocks, and will take you somewhere you want to go, who friggin CARES if they appreciate you or not, whatever that even means? And what is this "mindset" business? It's a band, not a marriage. Yeah, there might be some similarities, but there are some pretty big differences as well. I mean, go to the gigs, rock out, have fun, and IF at some point in the future, they want to bring in a different front man (or whatever), oh well. Deal with it then.

 

 

But see, that's the problem. The band *doesn't* rock. In fact, according to some here, it would be considered lame because the bass player can't remember the right changes and plays a LOT of wrong notes on every song, ALL the time. We only *kinda* rock.

 

I guess band roles and your own personal happiness/satisfaction are optional for you. They aren't so for me. So, I'm going to do what makes me happy. If it makes other people uncomfortable or angry, whatever. They can bring in their different front man, along with a different guitarist too. I just won't be a part of it.