Members tim_7string Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 I'm planning on leaving my band after the gig this weekend. I've discussed with my wife how I'm going to approach it. We both agree that it's best not to be too negative or point fingers, simply say something like "We're both going in different directions" or "I can tell that our outlooks on what to do as a band are too different and I don't see them resolving anytime soon." I'd like to leave somewhat amicably, but I'm sure it will cause some disappointment, relief, frustration and irritation all around. What are some tips to make the 'break' less painful? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vito Corleone Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 There isn't. Just be honest and fair. If there's gigs on the schedule, give them a reasonable amount of time to find a replacement. Beyond that, just politely put in your notice and leave. It's sort of like breaking up with a girl. You can bend over backwards trying to find ways to not hurt her feelings, but if she's going to be hurt by it, she's going to be hurt by it regardless. OTHO, if they are just as ready to make a break as you are (which might very well be the case if there's been a lot of tension or a "going of different directions" taking place), the whole thing will be a big relief for EVERYONE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tomm Williams Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 No matter what you do, you really can't predict the reaction of any of the members. You could be cordial as hell and still piss everybody off. I would just state the plain truth in a respectful manner and let the cards fall where they will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rangefinder Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 We both agree that it's best not to be too negative or point fingers Agreed. In my opinion, the best approach to these sorts of situations is to repeat variations on "It's not the right fit for me" (without details) until they run down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tim_7string Posted January 19, 2011 Author Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 OTHO, if they are just as ready to make a break as you are (which might very well be the case if there's been a lot of tension or a "going of different directions" taking place), the whole thing will be a big relief for EVERYONE. It's pretty evident that this is the case by the way they have been reacting lately. You can almost see the tension in our faces in our latest band photos on Facebook. I tried to find ones with smiles. They were few and far between. Also, comments from the drummer on his Facebook page about how he misses his old band that broke up after NYE 2009 and how he feels like just leaving everything and moving away may offer a clue as well. Or I could be reading too much into it. In any case, I know that the way we like to operate onstage is clashing and it's getting to be unbearable for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ggm1960 Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 Like guid says, it's only fair to give them notice and reasonable time to find a replacement. I've found that this has worked well for me. Everybody maintains dignity and respect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members New Trail Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 ..It's sort of like breaking up with a girl. You can bend over backwards.... Maybe, but if SHE would bend over backwards, well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kmart Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 No matter what you do or say, consider that some people will always use that kind of situation to turn your decision to leave into an argument/fight.Based on what you've shared about the situation before, here's what you say: "Guys, I've decided to quit the band."They don't need to know why, nor is it it likely to help with a clean break for you to offer anything more. If you really feel you must, add "I'm willing to stick things out through the next (x) gigs" or what have you, but I wouldn't volunteer anything more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 19, 2011 Moderators Share Posted January 19, 2011 Honesty isn't necessarily where you want to go with this. Or rather... too much honesty. Your reasons should very high level. "I'm ready for a change""I'm looking to do something a little different right now" And with that, should be a very calm resolve. Nothing is worse than trying to ease the awkwardness by alluding you might stay or be back or... Just calmly and respectfully state your decision and keep the real 'whys' to yourself if someone might be hurt. It doesn't matter. What matters your decision. Not the why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members New Trail Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 ...If you really feel you must, add "I'm willing to stick things out through the next (x) gigs" or what have you, but I wouldn't volunteer anything more. According to the old Musicians Union Rules, a two week notice is standard. However, IMO going the extra mile and over and beyond for the band will reap benefits for you personally and is just the neighborly thing to do UNLESS there are extreme problems in the band and you just have to get away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jeff42 Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 "I'm ready for a change""I'm looking to do something a little different right now" Both are fine... or even, I just don't want to do it anymore. If it was me: After I told them I'm done I would add: I will stick around until you guys find a replacement or until the gigs you guys have booked are over. Our current guitar player did this with his last band. He was with them for a very long time. they were a steadily working Oldies band. One day he realized he wasn't enjoying it anymore. So he told them: "I'm ready for a change," "I'm looking to do something a little different right now" He did play out the schedule until they found a replacement and fills in with them every once in awhile. They are all still friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TrickyBoy Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 Here's another alternative: [YOUTUBE]xuBRk6tjiUQ[/YOUTUBE] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members whydoesmyfinger Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 Send an Email....lay out the reasons for quiting, then say' until things improve to my satisfaction, then I will not come back' I don't see the the problem here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vito Corleone Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 Send an Email....lay out the reasons for quiting, then say' until things improve to my satisfaction, then I will not come back'I don't see the the problem here. Hey there, Tim! Haven't seen you around for awhile. How goes it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lsits Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 I would just come right out and tell them you want to go in a different. Make sure to give a reasonable amount of time for a replacement. Perhaps the other members are ready for a change, too. It's possible that by you giving your notice everyone might feel a little less pressure and a little less tension. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vito Corleone Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 If you are pushed just say you are not going to have time to put the kind of effort thats needed into the band. the mindset you wanna send ,, is you dont wanna hold them back. Is this the band version of "It's Not You, It's Me"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TIMKEYS Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 Is this the band version of "It's Not You, It's Me"? ya you could prolly say that. Its a easy way to just slip away. The moment you decide you are loading out , there is no up side to telling these guys how you are leaving because of them and giving them a laundry list of how fuked up you think they are. Thats counter productive and being kind of a dick head. Except a little heat , and get your goal of hitting the door. If you are sincere about it ,,, you will find that they wont be cocksuckering you behind your back. Keep it civil , keep it simple and get gone. When you get right down to it ,,, its not them ,, and it is you. You are the guy thats loading out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members DevilRaysFan Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think honesty is always the best policy..........the trick is to be honest but say as little as possible. Be ambiguous but truthful, make sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kmart Posted January 19, 2011 Members Share Posted January 19, 2011 I see a lot of suggestions in this thread that would have the OP say his piece and leave things pretty wide open for the rest of the band to:1) Easily start into arguments with him2) Easily start into the whole "Oh man, I had no idea. We PROMISE we'll change [behavior x]." Seems those suggestions are coming from people who must be paying less attention to the OP's band woes than I (And honestly, I'm not paying that much attention). He's in a situation he thinks is really bad.He's already decided to quit, no two ways about it.He and his current band mates barely tolerate each other as it is.(I'm summarizing from his own posts) IMO, offering more information beyond "I am quitting" serves no purpose, and potentially makes things more difficult. If the rest of the band is your friends, etc., that's another story, but again, from his own posts, that's far from the case. This isn't a Union gig as far as I can tell, but even if it was, you tell them you're done and move on. Obviously if you are legally responsible for additional gigs, etc., you handle them, but all this "I'll stick around until you find a replacement" talk is putting the OP in a worse situation than he's already in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flanc Posted January 20, 2011 Members Share Posted January 20, 2011 ."Seems those suggestions are coming from people who must be paying less attention to the OP's band woes than I (And honestly, I'm not paying that much attention).He's in a situation he thinks is really bad.He's already decided to quit, no two ways about it.He and his current band mates barely tolerate each other as it is.(I'm summarizing from his own posts)IMO, offering more information beyond "I am quitting" serves no purpose, and potentially makes things more difficult. If the rest of the band is your friends, etc., that's another story, but again, from his own posts, that's far from the case.This isn't a Union gig as far as I can tell, but even if it was, you tell them you're done and move on. Obviously if you are legally responsible for additional gigs, etc., you handle them, but all this "I'll stick around until you find a replacement" talk is putting the OP in a worse situation than he's already in. I agree with all of this except for the last piece. I'd agree to cover any near-term gigs so as not to stick any potential client/clubs with having to book a quick replacement. I certainly wouldn't agree to hang around until they find a replacement. I also wouldn't want to get a bad rap in the musician community as someone who bails and leaves others in a jam. From reading your posts, it sounds like they won't be heart broken....playing music with people that cause you stress is no fun. I had a drummer who is a great guy but his personality really rubbed me the wrong way at gigs and I don't think either of us had fun. It dragged on far too long until he casually said "if you don't book gigs up my way I'm gonna have to reconsider if this is the band for me".....I quickly replied..."well...that's not likely to happen, so let's agree to part ways". Had a new drummer worked in in three weeks. I still talk to the old drummer and I think he is a great guy...just not my kind of band guy. Best of luck to you. Keep it short and simple...avoid slinging mud...try not to burn bridges and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SeniorBlues Posted January 20, 2011 Members Share Posted January 20, 2011 About a year ago - after a couple emails, a few phone conversations, and two rehearsals - I sent the following email: I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SpaceNorman Posted January 20, 2011 Members Share Posted January 20, 2011 I've always found a simple "I've decided to make a change...." works best for me - accompanied with an offer of stay through "X" gigs if they'd like me to. "X" gigs usually translates into what's already on the books for the next 2-4 weeks. I say usually because depending on why I've decided I need the change - I might be willing to fill in for gigs past that if ... and in some cases, I've wanted out so bad that 2 weeks was all I'd give 'em. The one thing I won't do is elaborate on my reasons if it means being critical of my about to become former bandmates. No good can come of that ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tim_7string Posted January 20, 2011 Author Members Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thanks for all the input, guys. Ironically enough, yesterday I get a text from the drummer saying we have a gig on Feb 26th (the day after another gig we have on the books). I say "Sure." Then after my guitar lessons that night, I get a call from the bass player about a possible two-nighter. This one is probably not going to work, though, because of the distance involved and the money is lower than what we require. But STILL...lol :facepalm: I think I will take much of the advice you guys have given and approach it thusly: "Guys, I've decided this isn't a right fit for me. I will fulfill the gigs on the books until the last one on April 30th, but after that, I am out." Relatively short, simple and to the point. Lets them know I'm not hosing them (unprofessional) but that I *will* be moving on. Leaves it up to them how they wish to proceed (break up, find a replacement, rename the band with other members, go back to their old group, etc.). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jeff42 Posted January 20, 2011 Members Share Posted January 20, 2011 I think I will take much of the advice you guys have given and approach it thusly:"Guys, I've decided this isn't a right fit for me. I will fulfill the gigs on the books until the last one on April 30th, but after that, I am out."Relatively short, simple and to the point. Lets them know I'm not hosing them (unprofessional) but that I *will* be moving on. Leaves it up to them how they wish to proceed (break up, find a replacement, rename the band with other members, go back to their old group, etc.). Best way to do it IMO. Be adult about it and let them know You will play the gigs until a certain date but that's it. Hopefully no one will act like a baby about it. With us we look at it like this: If anyone wants to go... go. But be a pro about it and play what we have booked or until we find a replacement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ggm1960 Posted January 20, 2011 Members Share Posted January 20, 2011 "Guys, I've decided this isn't a right fit for me. I will fulfill the gigs on the books until the last one on April 30th, but after that, I am out."Relatively short, simple and to the point. Lets them know I'm not hosing them (unprofessional) but that I *will* be moving on. Leaves it up to them how they wish to proceed (break up, find a replacement, rename the band with other members, go back to their old group, etc.). Good way to go for sure. In a comparatively small metropolitan area it's certain that you haven't seen the last of these people and as tastes, attitudes, and trends change there's a good chance you'll be working with some of them again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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