Members Eanwen Posted April 19, 2016 Members Share Posted April 19, 2016 Hello I just received a text from a musician friend and while I was reading it I had doubt that it is written in a correct english. (we are french) I thought maybe here I could find an answer to help her know if it has a clear meaning and if it awkward english or not- I would like to say I am sorry I'm coming here asking an advice and that I am not myself giving advice in return. I just don't feel I can help somebody here because of my english language level Oh yes so here is her text for her song: The white light flowed in the deep Made me real and feel Alive, meaningful, no more cheap You made me heal I wait for the day, the hour You will come back to the world And when the light flows again I'll know it's your words Memories They fill my head They hurt the dead And you’ll rise Memories They tell you things You don’t understand And you’ll come back In this darkness I fall More deeply every day Hurting myself to the wall Of you being in the way Hoping I’ll meet you In streets, in houses, in my path Light will flow on us And I’ll no longer have wrath. Memories They fill my head They hurt the dead And you’ll be Memories They tell you things You now get And you’ll live In the deep, it glows My memory of you blows And I’ll love your presence Even in your absence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 20, 2016 Members Share Posted April 20, 2016 I put it all in the present tense. The white light flows in the deepMakes me real and feel Alive, meaningful, no longer cheap You make me healI wait for the day, the hourYou will come back to the worldAnd when the light flows again I'll know it's your words MemoriesThey fill my head They hurt the deadAnd you’ll rise MemoriesThey tell you thingsYou don’t understandAnd you’ll come back In this darkness I fallMore deeply every dayHurting myself to the wall (hurting isn't the right word - nailing, hanging, running myself into)Of you being in the wayHoping I’ll meet youIn streets, in houses, in my pathLight will flow on usAnd I’ll no longer have wrath. (This line is awkward. It's not grammatically wrong or anything, but just not how you'd normally hear that sentiment expressed) MemoriesThey fill my headThey hurt the deadAnd you’ll be MemoriesThey tell you thingsYou now getAnd you’ll live In the deep, it glowsMy memory of you blowsAnd I’ll love your presenceEven in your absence Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted April 21, 2016 Members Share Posted April 21, 2016 All of Rhino's corrections and remarks are right. The only thing I'd add is about the line "My memory of you blows." Blows can be read as crude slang for stinks, sucks, bites. I don't think that's what the writer means, so it's probably a bad word choice. It could say flows or grows in the "In the deep" line and glows in the "My memory" line: In the deep it flows (or grows),My memory of you glows. . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eanwen Posted April 26, 2016 Author Members Share Posted April 26, 2016 Rhino and Delmont: Thank you very much for your help,I thought there was a problem with the meaning of the text (maybe the text wasn't clear I don't know)I take all your recommandation and will change what you pointed, Thank you a lot for taking the time, you have been of great help both of you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted April 26, 2016 Members Share Posted April 26, 2016 =O] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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