Hunger GAMES - Magic Sand

[Eanwen]

Hello

I write a song on a piece of hunger games, I would be glad to know what you think of it ?

 

https://soundcloud.com/eanwen/hunger-games-magic-sand

 

I'm not sure my text is written in a good english, feel free to correct me:

So yes, here it is! (thank you )

 

"I Wander on the shore & wipe away

A thin treachorous tear as I stop again

 

I stare at 2 birds flying over the sea

Free, full speed, they won't carried

 

My disquetude

My restlessness

My confusion

 

I Draw my peculiar thougts in the hot sand

With a stick in the palm of my hand, the piece go on

 

I pictured myself dancing against the wind

Spread my own wings I won't keep

 

My disquetude -Drowned in the sea-

My restlessness - Drowned in the sea-

My confusion -drowned in the peacefullness of the sea-"

 

Ha a good musical evening

!

 

 

 

[rickidoo]

this is perfectly lovely. Out of the ball park.

[LCK]

Hi!

 

It's a beautifully written piece of music. The lyric is also very emotionally evocative.

 

There are just a few things I might change (in bold).

 

"I Wander on the shore & wipe away

A thin treacherous tear as I stop again??

 

I stare at 2 birds flying over the sea

Free, full speed, they won't be carried

 

My disquetude

My restlessness

My confusion

 

I Draw my peculiar thougts in the hot sand

With a stick in the palm of my hand, the piece go on??

 

I pictured myself dancing against the wind

Spread my own wings I won't keep

 

My disquetude -Drowned in the sea-

My restlessness - Drowned in the sea-

My confusion -drowned in the peacefullness of the sea-"

[Eanwen]

Rickidoo: Thank you very much !

 

LCK: Thank you for taking time and for correcting me

I have to question:

"as I stop again": the idea is not well formulate?

 

"the piece go on": I wanted to make a connection between what was happening in the first couplet and the second

not sure it's clear... :/