Members stickboymusic Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 Here is the start of a new one - just a rough guitar and vox run through (i layed a couple of guitars but it needs much more. Does it need a bigger chorus or perhaps a bridge? I think the idea is on the repeating lines to add harmonies as they repeat. Anyway - thoughts? https://soundcloud.com/stickboy/where-do-you-sleep-rough-idea Where do you sleep? Little girl lost in a snow fieldLittle girl lost in a snow fieldLittle girl lost in a snow fieldLittle girl lost in a snow field Where do you go....do you go when you're lonesome?Walk across the lake that was perfectly frozen?Moving with the force or perpetual motion?You said you had a dream that was more like a notion Where do you sleep...do you sleep?Sleep safely tonight. Little boy asleep by a windowLittle boy asleep by a windowLittle boy asleep by a windowLittle boy asleep by a window What do you see...do you see when you're dreaming?A book without words stripped of it's meaning?Cathedral tower no longer leaning?The image of your faith you no longer believe in? Where do you sleep...do you sleep?Sleep safely tonight. Where do you sleep...do you sleep?Sleep safely tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 In the pines! This is great as usual. Did you mean to say "the force?" That makes me think Star Wars which maybe what you were going for since perpetual motion is just as realistic. If you didn't want folks to think star wars there are a couple ways you could change it, cut "the" or change "or" to "of." Notion in the next line sort of feels like it's there for the rhyme. I think it would work very well if it were the first line in a couplet, but as the second it feels off to me. The whole second verse is really strong. I would change "your faith" to "the faith" since it's not really his anymore if he doesn't believe in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 I don't think it needs a bridge, but if you were to come up with one...? I like the conceit of the lyric, but the tone changes dramatically in the 2nd verse. I'd much rather see you keep that same semi-childlike tone rather than veer off into questions about losing one's religion. I agree with Rhino about "notion" but disagree about "perpetual motion." I think that's perfect for a song about dreaming... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eanwen Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 Stickboymusic: sorry I can't reply in the reply box, I can just use the comment section. I think it's very sweet. Your voice is gentle & the little guitar is great. hm..I also like the structure of the song Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 Maybe I wasn't clear. I like "perpetual motion." If I were to rewrite that section I would go with You had a dream that was more like a notionMoving with the force of perpetual motion Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 This is exceptional, what a great start. I'll let others drill on the meaning but from a wordplay/vibe standpoint, it's fantastic. * You've probably already tried and discarded it, but try continuing the chord descent on the repeated lines. Not all the way...maybe G - D/F# - Em - D/F#? * I agree with the edit "moving with the force of perpetual motion." * I think it does need a bridge. Big thing for me is that the lines go by so quickly I don't get to appreciate them as much....part of me wishes it were a little slower so I could savor the words. Seriously, I like them that much. Not sure how actionable that feedback is though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted June 23, 2015 Members Share Posted June 23, 2015 That"s great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted June 23, 2015 Members Share Posted June 23, 2015 IMO a 3rd section is needed but not a bridge...more like an AAA structure...it would or could tie the boy and girl together or a bigger idea of a more universal connection...Girl-Boy-Universe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 23, 2015 Members Share Posted June 23, 2015 IMO a 3rd section is needed but not a bridge...more like an AAA structure...it would or could tie the boy and girl together or a bigger idea of a more universal connection...Girl-Boy-Universe That could work... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted June 23, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 23, 2015 Thanks guys sone great ideas here. Little tidy ups were likely so I can address all of those. Tying the two stories together is a great idea... will see if I can pull that off I'm off on holiday later today for 2 weeks so see you all soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted June 23, 2015 Members Share Posted June 23, 2015 Suggestion: Moving in a wheel of perpetual motion yes - great tune, almost there.. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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