Members LeonardScaper Posted June 10, 2015 Members Share Posted June 10, 2015 I have the music for this one in pretty good shape already but I am struggling with the second verse, among other spots (highlighted). Any ideas would be appreciated. *wave* The Sensible Solution If it doesn't feel rightYet it doesn't seem wrongIs it the sensible solutionAnd it I set my sightsJust a little too longWill it always feel this wayIf I drive all nightAnd race the dawnWill I stay ahead of the confusionAnd find the sensible solution If we win this fightBut it takes too longIs that a sensible solutionAnd if the morning lightDoesn't bring dawnShould we have found another wayWhen it's black and whiteWith the colors all goneWill we have reached a conclusionWill it be the sensible solution Say what you will girlBut say what you meanI'll stayIf you really think it's worth itHow does it feelTo know what I've seen Instrumental If it doesn't feel rightYet it doesn't seem wrongIs it the sensible solutionAnd if this all night driveJust takes me back homeDoes that mean this is where I'll stayAnd if I win this fightThat's been going on so longWill it just be an illusion.Is there a sensible solution Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted June 10, 2015 Members Share Posted June 10, 2015 The verses are fine. I'm not hearing any better -ite rhymes than "fight" and it sets up the callback in the final verse nicely. Bridge is a little empty (Like a Rolling Stone?). How about a different riff on sensible in the bridge? If it's for your feetWear sensible shoesBut if it's for usI got some newsDon't give me these bluesYou have to choose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 10, 2015 Members Share Posted June 10, 2015 Very cool...some ideas: The Sensible Solution If it doesn't feel right Yet it doesn't seem wrong Is it the sensible solution And it I set my sights Just a little too long Will it always feel this way If I drive all night And race the dawn Will I stay ahead of the illusion (anything but confusion) And find the sensible solution If we win this fight but we both still lose Is that a sensible solution And if the morning light forces us to choose Should we have found another way When it's black and white With the colors all gone Will we have reached a conclusion Will it be the sensible solution [/quote} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 11, 2015 Members Share Posted June 11, 2015 I likes it so far. I'd have to hear the music to get more of a handle on how the lyric works, but as it is now the "drive all night" stuff is the only thing that rubs me the wrong way a little. And I can't say why, except that it sounds made up for the sake of the song while the rest of the lyric rings more true and clear. And I like Martin's suggestions, though I'd use "yet" instead of "but." (Again, I'm not sure why.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 11, 2015 Members Share Posted June 11, 2015 And by the way, I love the title and the dynamic of the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 11, 2015 The verses are fine. I'm not hearing any better -ite rhymes than "fight" and it sets up the callback in the final verse nicely. Bridge is a little empty (Like a Rolling Stone?). That bridge may be more to your liking when you hear it.....I'm hoping. I extend the vocal phrasing with some guitar chords that lead into that instrumental in the same pattern. I'll have music posted soon and perhaps you'll revisit that. What bothers me about the first "fight' is that I like it better in the last verse and I don't know about using it twice like that.......you think that works ok, though? Will I stay ahead of the illusion (anything but confusion) And find the sensible solution If we win this fight but we both still lose Is that a sensible solution And if the morning light forces us to choose Hmmmmm.........you don't like "confusion". The problem is that I really like where I already have "illusion" in the last verse. Must ponder this one. I'll say a bit more about the importance of that in a minute. I like the verse ideas......I tend to keep a rhyme scheme throughout a song.....wrong...long....gone....this would break that pattern which might be a good thing. I'll sing that verse in and we'll see. as it is now the "drive all night" stuff is the only thing that rubs me the wrong way a little. And I can't say why, except that it sounds made up for the sake of the song while the rest of the lyric rings more true and clear. Smiling at this, Lee.......because this song was born with that lyric. I was noodling chords and up popped "drive all night and race the dawn". It worked with what I was playing so I sat back and thought about why he might be doing that. I worked up the story line around that. But...hmmmm....Martin doesn't like confusion either....let me post up the song with these lyrics sung in for a first take and we can see. I appreciate this input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 12, 2015 Members Share Posted June 12, 2015 Doesn't have to be 'illusion'...'confusion' just feels more tell than show, such an obvious word. I think ideally it's something concrete and real like 'pollution' to set off the general 'solution'...but there are few rhymes for that word alas... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 14, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 14, 2015 I went after the vocals on this one yesterday. I sang in your changes, Martin, but I could not get past the need to sing "doesn't bring dawn", And I looked for ways to get "confusion" out but kept realizing that my guy WAS confused. So "confusion" is still in as well. Smile. Here is what it is sounding like: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13146267 It's good to be working with you all again.....even when I make few changes, I always get a better focus from airing things out like this. *wave* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted June 15, 2015 Members Share Posted June 15, 2015 Really like this - feels like your "way" lines should also feature a rhyme. Ideas. If it doesn't feel rightYet it doesn't seem wrongIs it the sensible solutionAnd it I set my sightsJust a little too longWill WE FIND A RESOLUTIONIf I drive all nightAnd race the dawnWill I stay ahead of the confusionAnd find the sensible solution If we win this fightBut it takes too longIs that a sensible solutionAnd if the morning lightDoesn't bring dawnDO WE NEED A RESOLUTIONWhen it's black and whiteWith the colors all goneWill we have reached a conclusionWill it be the sensible solution If it doesn't feel rightYet it doesn't seem wrongIs it the sensible solutionAnd if this all night driveBRINGS US SIMPLE RETRIBUTIONDoes that mean this is where I'll stayAnd if I win this fightThat's been going on so longWill it just be an illusion.Is there a sensible solution Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 15, 2015 Members Share Posted June 15, 2015 I tried taking a couple of passes at the highlighted lyrics, but wasn't able to come up with anything. I really like stickboy's changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 15, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 15, 2015 Really like this - feels like your "way" lines should also feature a rhyme. Wow....that actually works quite well in performance. I'll pull this back up and see if I can catch that feeling in the recording. *wave* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted June 17, 2015 Members Share Posted June 17, 2015 Say what you will girl But say what you mean I'll stay If you really think it's worth it How does it feel To know what I've seen ^At first, I was thinking the bridge was too long... but then listened again and thought that the melody on the last line might sound better if it descends leading into the instrumental. It might sound good in contrast to the melody uptick on all of the 'tion' words... solution, confusion, conclusion, etc... Not a huge fan of the organ palm smear... they tend to only sound good and authentic on a real organ. On a keyboard emulation... they sound... a bit not good. Really nice tune Lenny and nice to see you back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 17, 2015 Members Share Posted June 17, 2015 "Palm smear"...so that's what that's called...good to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted June 17, 2015 Members Share Posted June 17, 2015 "Palm smear"...so that's what that's called...good to know. Well, there's the palm smear... and then there's the ol' run your finger up and down the keyboard. I'm not sure if I made up that term... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 19, 2015 Author Members Share Posted June 19, 2015 You told me about a palm smear two years ago or so, my friend.....smile.........since then I have, of course, overused it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 Would love to hear violins carry this tune to heights and emotion it deserves...is that a synth I hear?...nice work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Eanwen Posted June 22, 2015 Members Share Posted June 22, 2015 It's a fantastic voice.. I feel very little here!I really like it, begin to end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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