Members Opus Antics Posted April 29, 2015 Members Share Posted April 29, 2015 Following up on my own suggestion in the Band vs Girlfriend thread. I thought this would be a good thread where people can discuss challenges and successes in balancing band vs personal obligations. For a lot of us, this is a real issue. I know for me personally it has been a factor throughout most of my gigging days. If you have a significant other, be it serious bf/gf or a spouse, it is very difficult to be in a band and enjoy being in a band if that person is not supportive of what it means to be in a band. There are practices, recording sessions, gigs, and the personal time needed to prepare for those various obligations (learning and practicing songs). Years back when I was married with little kids, it was easy in some respects and challenging in some respects. With respect to the kids it was easier because they were there every day so one night out wasn't a big deal, and the wife was there to watch them. With respect to the wife...that was different. Whenever it was time to go to practice she founds way to keep me around the house, so I was always late. Yeah, I was that guy that was always late to practice and there wasn't much I could do about it short of starting a massive blowout fight with the wife, and that never seemed worth it. So the non-supportive aspect of the spouse made it very difficult to participate in a band. I still did...it was just difficult and not without its share of stress. Years later. Kids are older and I'm divorced. Different set of challenges. Now when the kids are with me its not the same for me to go out to a gig. So band gigging has to revolve around my availability which is based on my kids. Obviously that doesn't work for everyone, so I have had to make sure to participate only in bands that can appreciate and are ok working with that family situation. Yes that has limited opportunities for me to join ongoing successful bands. And the band I am in now has limitations on how much it can gig. So it is a constant struggle between maintaining that balance between family and band. So far, I think I'm doing well with it and I'm with a great group of people who are like-minded in their approach. We still gig once or twice a month, which people are happy with. So, it's worked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SpaceNorman Posted April 29, 2015 Members Share Posted April 29, 2015 In the big scheme of things - around our house - how things get prioritized is pretty clear cut. Outside of times of "emergency" (i.e., somebody is in the hospital), the occasional MAJOR family event commitments (i.e., wedding in the immediate family) or unusual circumstances (i.e., somebody's out of town on a business trip, etc.) - the priorities work like this. 1. Day Jobs come first 2. Band gigs come second *3. My adult hockey leagues *3. Band Rehearsals *3. Kids' Sports Involvement *3. Wife's Womens' Group involvement 4. Everything else .... * Note the equal priority ranking .... we juggle as best we can to fit these all in.... All the other stuff ... our birthdays, kids birthdays, our anniversary, Halloween, Valentines Day, Sweetest day .... somebody else's kids birthdays, anniversaries, etc. .... all take a back seat to our "Big Three" priorities. We fit everything else in when it's convenient for us. We're not the least bit upset when we have to "divide and conquer" (i.e., my wife goes to a family birthday gathering ... while I'm off playing a band gig), or I cover kids sports practices while she hits her exercise group, etc. I've left my own birthday party being held at my house in order to go play hockey. While a few of our guests may have thought that strange - my wife and I both knew that was going to be the case when she planned the gathering ... and respect each other's individual commitments. For us - a large part of making it work is good communication - we have a calendar that we keep up to date - and that we review together on a near weekly basis. Another part of making it work is understanding that there will be times that things get a little busier than either of us really wanted - BUT, that it's the average load that matters. (i.e., I look to average 4 gigs per month between my various music projects ... some months I end up with 6 while others I end up with 2 because that's how the bookings came in. We don't sweat the highs and/or lows ... as long as the average is in line with our targets.) Finally, we try to keep ourselves focused on what we need in terms of time to make it all work - not necessarily what we want. I'd love to be able to hang out with the guys after band practice ... or hit the bar after playing hockey. However, when time is tight - I forego the "extras" so that I get in the activity I care about while still taking care of my responsibilities at home. I've been fortunate in that my wife has always been supportive of my band and sports commitments. We both recognize what's important to each other ... and support one another's involvement in those things that matter to us individually. We've always worked together to ensure the kids activities were covered. We've never played any "passive/aggressive" games like that which Opus described. We're both busy enough between work, kids, bands and social commitments that when we do find ourselves with time to spend together - we both appreciate all that much more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vito Corleone Posted April 29, 2015 Members Share Posted April 29, 2015 Back in the day when music was my life and career, I made a conscious effort to remain single. It used to actually piss me off when I'd see guys give up music for a girl or have ongoing struggles with it. "dude---pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Especially if you're in a band. Good bands to play with? MUCH harder to come by..." So anytime I got any grief whatsoever from any girl about my music, it was Sayonara Time. Especially from the silly ones who would fall for me largely BECAUSE I was in a band and then be jealous of it later on. Huh? Ironically, probably the only girl I've ever been involved with who has had (in my view) the right to be jealous or unsupportive of my music would be my wife, since I met her at a time when I was not playing music and it wasn't a part of my life. But when I decided to get back into playing part time a couple of years into our marriage, she was 100% supportive and continues to be. And she understands that gigs are something that "has to happen". There's no putting them off or calling in sick. If I take a date, we have to make it happen. We have very much a partnership type of relationship and try to support each other 100% realizing that what is good for either of us is good for both of us. Including any extra-curricular activities. So the idea is that family, home, work and band are all relatively equal and each deserve and require 100% attention and participation. The gigs WILL be played just like the mortgage WILL be paid, the kid WILL be picked up from school, the lawn WILL be mowed and each of us WILL make it to work everyday. When things HAVE to be done, they get done. Once you start putting things down as a lesser priority, then that's what they become. If I've got a gig, and my wife has to work, then we figure out somebody else to pick up the kid. If she's at work and I've got no gig, then I schedule my work around the school schedule. Etc. It seems there is always a way to make things work as long as you both are committed to making it happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PeaveyJaguar Posted April 29, 2015 Members Share Posted April 29, 2015 Well I'm pretty lucky that I'm dating another musician. We both play guitar and we're both in bands and we understand the importance of music in each other's lives. I go to his band's shows and he comes to mine. It works out well. We've decided that if we ever want to have kids we're gonna wait at least 8 years so we can spend our twenties doing what we love without having to worry about being responsible for someone else. I wouldn't want to be with someone who would make me give up my passions and hobbies. That doesn't sound very healthy at all. Even if your SO isn't a musician they must have their own things they're into so they can relate to being passionate about something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members StratGuy22 Posted May 1, 2015 Members Share Posted May 1, 2015 My gf is fine with me being in a band. Sometimes she comes to gigs. Usually not. She's friends with the bass players wife and they would rather hang out at her place for some "girl time" and then they come pick us up at the end of the night. They call it "driving the short bus" lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Opus Antics Posted May 1, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 1, 2015 They call it "driving the short bus" lol Heh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Outkaster Posted May 7, 2015 Members Share Posted May 7, 2015 Back in the day when music was my life and career, I made a conscious effort to remain single. It used to actually piss me off when I'd see guys give up music for a girl or have ongoing struggles with it. "dude---pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Especially if you're in a band. Good bands to play with? MUCH harder to come by..." So anytime I got any grief whatsoever from any girl about my music, it was Sayonara Time. Especially from the silly ones who would fall for me largely BECAUSE I was in a band and then be jealous of it later on. Huh? Ironically, probably the only girl I've ever been involved with who has had (in my view) the right to be jealous or unsupportive of my music would be my wife, since I met her at a time when I was not playing music and it wasn't a part of my life. But when I decided to get back into playing part time a couple of years into our marriage, she was 100% supportive and continues to be. And she understands that gigs are something that "has to happen". There's no putting them off or calling in sick. If I take a date, we have to make it happen. We have very much a partnership type of relationship and try to support each other 100% realizing that what is good for either of us is good for both of us. Including any extra-curricular activities. So the idea is that family, home, work and band are all relatively equal and each deserve and require 100% attention and participation. The gigs WILL be played just like the mortgage WILL be paid, the kid WILL be picked up from school, the lawn WILL be mowed and each of us WILL make it to work everyday. When things HAVE to be done, they get done. Once you start putting things down as a lesser priority, then that's what they become. If I've got a gig, and my wife has to work, then we figure out somebody else to pick up the kid. If she's at work and I've got no gig, then I schedule my work around the school schedule. Etc. It seems there is always a way to make things work as long as you both are committed to making it happen. This is pretty much how things happened with me. Luckily her dad was a pro trumpet player so she kind of understands the life, but we were also in our 40's when we met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Vito Corleone Posted May 7, 2015 Members Share Posted May 7, 2015 This is pretty much how things happened with me. Luckily her dad was a pro trumpet player so she kind of understands the life, but we were also in our 40's when we met. Easy for me to say because it's worked out so well for me, but I'm a big proponent of waiting to settle down. It made no sense to try to have a long term relationship like a marriage while in my 20s while I still unsettled, sowing my seeds, and had no idea what sort of person I would be or what sort of life I would have when I was 40. By the time I met my wife at age 37, I had a pretty good idea that I was who I was going to be for the rest of my life. Being older parents has its challenges--especially when many of our friends' kids are already grown--but I'm convinced we're better parents as well. I'm much more reasonable and even-tempered at this age than I was 20 years ago, and being more financially secure helps too. Plus, waiting to settle down makes for better Groupie Stories to tell later on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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