Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Hi Hannah - welcome.I've listened to the track and it sounds pretty accomplished to me.A couple of things: The lead guitarist's timing goes noticeably off in a couple of places. Not in a purposeful syncopated way - just off. You might like that to be re-tracked. Also there's a couple of places in the lyric that might be tightened up.If you would like input, then please post the lyric here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Hi Hannah - welcome. I've listened to the track and it sounds pretty accomplished to me. there's a couple of places in the lyric that might be tightened up. I agree on both counts. Lines like "Got me fearing my emotions..." and "Like a drug, you're my ecstasy..." are a bit awkward; they don't ring true, they sound made up rather than organic to the character's experience. I think the idea of the song -- comparing a destructive lover to a hurricane -- is a nice conceit, but you haven't really nailed the lyric, in my opinion. It still needs work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hannah_Rebecca Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you very much!Both of those lyrics were actually written on purpose. And it's interesting you picked those two because they were written to kind of be counter parts of each other. "Like a drug, you're my ecstasy" because not only is ecstasy a drug it's also an emotion where the person temporary loses self control and is in a trance state. Literal meaning, not only is this love addicting like the drug ecstasy it's also all consuming leaving you with no self control. The "Got me fearing all emotions" line is meant to be ironic because fear is an emotion and no matter what emotion they feel (love, hate, longing, loss, pain) they know this love is their ecstasy, it's going to consume them anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Pretty cool. If you are 100 percent happy with your song and are going to defend ANY input then i'm not sure this forum will be much use to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Hannah Rebecca: "Both of those lyrics were actually written on purpose." Whatever your reasoning behind them, they didn't work for me. They took me out of the story because it suddenly felt strained, awkward and "written" rather than spontaneously expressed by the character. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Pretty cool. If you are 100 percent happy with your song and are going to defend ANY input then i'm not sure this forum will be much use to you. Yup. Alot of times new folks people that come around with that sort of attitude don't stay very long. I didn't like getting what I took as criticism when I first started posting here, but I'm glad I stuck it out. My writing got a sh*t ton better. Collectively, the people that have posted in this thread so far, might have more songwriting experience than you have years on this earth. Maybe not, though. The band sounds pretty good. One piece of advice, if you want to keep everybody around and happy, be careful about the words you use when describing your working relationship. Your post starts with "we started writing together" then goes on to say "here is one song that I wrote." I might be reading to much into it, but if it's a song ya'll wrote together, say that. Musicians are a finky bunch, and I've seen people split or even worse grow super bitter/passive aggressive and become miserable to work with over less. Cheers to ya, hope you stick around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hannah_Rebecca Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 We have been writing together as a band, but this song in particular I wrote by myself. I'm a commercial music major with an emphasis in composition and songwriting. This song was one of the pieces I submitted for a grade for one of my classes. My drummer who is also in my class heard it and suggested that we record it and put it on our demo. Also, I was just explaining my thought process behind my lyrics so you guys can get a better idea of where I'm coming from and where my head was. I was by no means degrading or taking away from your helpful comments. It was simply more background information so you can better help me. Please don't be so quick to jump on people. That's how you drive someone away. And thank you very much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hannah_Rebecca Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you for your suggestion but I also feel that I should go with my gut instinct and keep those lines the way they are because those lines are some of my favorite. And the character isn't just a character. I wrote this from personal experiences and that's how I truly felt when going through this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Well, believe it or not I didn't think I was quick to jump on anything. I was trying to give you some insight into how and, more importantly, why this forum works and can be a valuable tool. I've been here a while and seen more than a couple people come and go. If you want somebody to tell you it's great and how wonderful you are, go show your family and friends or the school that you're paying to teach you to write songs, and disregard the fact that all of those people have a vested interest in telling you how it's special. I really do think it's a good start for someone who is new to writing songs, but it comes across as just that. I won't get into why because I don't think you really want to hear it and if I do say it, you might just think I'm trying to be mean. I'm not. Here you will find a group of people who really enjoy writing songs and want to help out others on the same journey. Sometimes it can be direct, but that's how it goes sometime. Remember somebody took time out of their day to try and help you. There aren't charging anything for this. They really want to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Hi Hannah - welcome to the forum! You can learn a lot here... as Rhino and others noted above, you need to have a thick skin. Agree with the guitar comments... and the lyrics, for me... are a bit too cliche for me as a whole. If you're going for an Evanesence kind of thing, you're on the right track. I'd consider major edits to the song though.. it's nearly 6 minutes long and there isn't enough there in terms of dyamics to really hold my attention. Maybe shortening the main guitar solo? And eliminating the first one? Cut out one of the last iterations of the chorus? On a positive note, the hook is pretty catchy. You have a lot to build on here... if you're willing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hannah_Rebecca Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Thank you! We have a 4 min cut version that we've already made. This is the extended version. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hannah_Rebecca Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 I've been writing for about 7 years now and it's been my major for 3 of those 7 years. I've worked with songwriters from Nashville and have been involved in writers circles.so it's advice I need to hear because I'm not "new" to songwriting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Please edit the original post and include the lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 I'd be happy to go through it line by line. I've found helping others edit has helped my own writing tremendously. So it's a good exercise for me too, but from your previous responses, it seems like you're not too keen on making any changes. I certainly know that feeling of thinking something is done and not wanting to change it. Next time bring a lyric before its become set. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 I agree with Hannah...you boys are trying to make her fit into the style of crit/construction used on here(which is understandable,but) instead of trying to see her way of doing things (as new to the site) and letting her grow organically from within she was made to feel unappreciative. If after a few song posts she keeps bucking the style here then work with her or ignore, but making someone feel uncomfortable doesn't work. Go back and read her response...it was interesting and non judgmental in any way....just an explanation...I have been on song writing sites long enough to see how it comes across in both directions, so don't be offended...sure if she needs to explain a line or whatever then it wasn't communicated very well, but in this style of writing that she used it is not a story song, which is a different type of crit. OLD GIT/LCK said a few lines didn't work for them...she explained her thinking and was not combative at all...she now knows some people may not understand parts of her song. I can recall quite a few threads on how to get more people here...this was not a clinic on how to do that. I take some of that back...its a story but when you ask people to crit the song as a whole one of the parts is the lyric and it is natural to see places of improvement. IMO the song is fine, not great not bad a little repetitive sounding given the length of the song. A change of dynamics would sound better to me...Good luck Hannah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 "This was not a clinic.." Apologies to Hannah if I came off like an Internet jerk. That wasn't the intention. The reason why I tried (and maybe didnt do a good job of) explaining what makes this place tick, is I see how it's helped me. I've seen new folks post something, get similar replies, and never come back. I agree that some fresh people would be nice to have around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 The other line that jumped out at me right from the start was in the chorus. Crash your waves, make your breeze till I cannot breathe.Don't you know, you're my hurricane. The use of the word 'breeze' is strange in a hurricane. A breeze by definition is a gentle wind.The waves are crashing and the wind would be gusting or howling or something……… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hannah_Rebecca Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Oh well...It rhymes with breathe, it's catchy, kids will love it, it will sell. I'm done... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Oh well...It rhymes with breathe, it's catchy, kids will love it, it will sell. I'm done... Wait, do you actually want feedback? - I was going to write something tonight, and that was one of my comments, too: i.e., "breeze" feels off in this context. That's legitimate criticism - you lean heavily on metaphor here throughout, and in this case your metaphor is off message. If your response is, "it's catchy, the kids will love it, it will sell," then I'll save my breath. Why should I take the time to offer constructive feedback to someone who will blithely dismiss it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Judging by the now-empty space in the OP, I'd say that Hannah has packed her bags and gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Ha ha!! Maybe you guys were right.! Hannah dropped me/us like a hot rock. Shesh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Hannah_Rebecca Posted April 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 No, I realized I'm happy with my song, better yet I love my song and I'm very proud of it. Why get feedback when I'm not going to listen to it anyways. I'm not changing my song. I'm sorry you guys. This song is finished. Like another poster put maybe I should submit a song that isn't already "finished" in my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 ^please do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 +1 with the please do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted April 13, 2015 Members Share Posted April 13, 2015 Hey Rhino, I didn't mean you specifically, just the thread in general. You guys were right. She wasn't gonna listen anyway and she didn't even know that herself til she was called on it. I'll shut up now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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