Members bee3 Posted March 26, 2015 Members Share Posted March 26, 2015 I wrote this a while ago, and even presented it here... but I've changed it up a bit. Previously, I had killed off both the mother and son. I'm thinking that was a bit extreme... so now I have this: Forgotten Man I'm so proud that you've becomeThe perfect father for your sonI know that it may seemLike I'd given up on who I should have been Know it was a dream come trueThe day I found out there was youIt wouldn't be so badIf I'd have heard you once say"You're the greatest Dad" So this isn't what I plannedThe aching in the heartof a forgotten manDid your mother let you know the reason that I leftSo many years ago? It was for good in DecemberNot for me, I left for herShe knew I loved her soShe didn't feel the sameNor did she let me know That you were recently conceivedWe should have been a familyI chose to leave althoughShe could have told me thenInstead she let me go So this isn't what I plannedThe aching in the heartof a forgotten manI know that what is done is doneI wish I'd been for you What you are for your son Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 26, 2015 Moderators Share Posted March 26, 2015 Looking forward to listening when time permits. Lyric looks good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 26, 2015 Members Share Posted March 26, 2015 Story is great. It comes across as very visceral. I can hear this guy saying it. Some of it is kind of songy as opposed to plain speech, but I think that works well for your style. Only one verse I think needs attention. Know it was a dream come trueThe day I found out there was youIt wouldn't be so badIf I'd have heard you once say"You're the greatest Dad" I get the sentiment, but this lacks the punch I think it needs. An idea... Know it was a dream come trueThe day I found out there was youIt wouldn't be so badIf I'd have known and got the chanceto be your dad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted March 26, 2015 Members Share Posted March 26, 2015 Nice finger style playing...sounded like two melodies in one. Very nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 27, 2015 Members Share Posted March 27, 2015 An idea... Know it was a dream come true The day I found out there was you It wouldn't be so bad If I'd have known and got the chance to be your dad I agree it's a great story. And I think Rhino's suggestion works better than the original. I also found these verses to be a bit too on the nose: It was for good in December Not for me, I left for her She knew I loved her so She didn't feel the same Nor did she let me know That you were recently conceived We should have been a family I chose to leave although She could have told me then Instead she let me go But otherwise, it's just great, really great... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 27, 2015 Members Share Posted March 27, 2015 This is really, really nice - very S&G.The idea is so good, and the title 'Forgotten Man' is emotionally haunting. If you can push just a little bit further with refining the lyric…... 'Conceived' jumped out at me while I was listening. If you could use metaphor or a hint rather than a medical term.Maybe:That she carried part of meWe should have been a family Or something………... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 27, 2015 OK... thanks guys. I'll work it up this weekend wiht the suggested changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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