Members LCK Posted March 10, 2015 Members Share Posted March 10, 2015 That line came on and my daughter (13) looked at me and said "what the fudge?" I should have the courage of my original convictions, ha. I have options for that line, which all fit nicely: Please stop chewing on your thumb (original) Please stop biting on your thumb Please stop biting on your tongue Please don't bite your tongue (current) The other three don't make any sense to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted March 10, 2015 Members Share Posted March 10, 2015 Maybe it's chewing on your thumbnail? If your daughter won't object? nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 10, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 10, 2015 The other three don't make any sense to me. Really? "Don't bite your tongue" continues the singer telling singee to stop lying, stop holding back the truth. I agree "thumb" adds more scene, detail - you can see singee nervously biting/chewing thumb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 10, 2015 Members Share Posted March 10, 2015 Really? "Don't bite your tongue" continues the singer telling singee to stop lying, stop holding back the truth. I agree "thumb" adds more scene, detail - you can see singee nervously biting/chewing thumb. Yeah, it's her "tell..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 11, 2015 OK, I'll sleep on it. They both work, though, so that's a good place for me. Now I'm wondering if I need to keep up the whole "please don't" thing for v2. I think I need to mix it up a bit...hmmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 11, 2015 Members Share Posted March 11, 2015 Now I'm wondering if I need to keep up the whole "please don't" thing for v2. I think I need to mix it up a bit...hmmm. You could do that or you could start the lines with 'Please' (without 'don't') and follow through with a twist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 11, 2015 Members Share Posted March 11, 2015 Maybe you could turn it around: "Please tell me what I want to hear...Please say you're not this insincere..." Not that ^ just keep the "please" element of the first verse and turn it around from please don't do something to please do? ------- Oops! I didn't see OGP's post before I posted mine! Great minds think alike? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 11, 2015 Members Share Posted March 11, 2015 Oops! I didn't see OGP's post before I posted mine! Great minds think alike? Modesty forbids me to agree of course ……. Let's see where Martin goes with this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 11, 2015 Great minds think alike? Very funny, yes they do, ha. Edit: just realized I should probably think of *what* I want say first in the verse, then *how* to say it. Where to go, hmmm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 11, 2015 Members Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yup. What in the first verse and why in the second. That'll fit nicely with the 'please don't' and 'please.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2015 Hey all, here's a new version, I fleshed out the arrangement a bit and nailed down the chorus chords (took a while). No new words (yet). Coming along, trying to not be too boppy. Let me know what you think. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13073938 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 13, 2015 Members Share Posted March 13, 2015 So this version is just about production...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 13, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 13, 2015 Well, the chorus music is very different also, I spent a lot of time on those chords. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 13, 2015 Members Share Posted March 13, 2015 Well, the chorus music is very different also, I spent a lot of time on those chords. I didn't notice, but now that you mention it, yeah it's much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 15, 2015 Moderators Share Posted March 15, 2015 I've only listened and read the first few responses. I like using the cold cold heart idea here. But I want it to play off that idea more. You've got a fever, you're off work, you've got the chills, you're not sure what's wrong with you but maybe you're just fighting off a cold. Cold heart. that's a cool twist on a classic song. I go heavily in that direction. I like the 'please don't' repetition but I'm really waiting for some clever deviation from that too. It's a great opportunity to hook them in. During the first sustained syllable in your chorus, i'd love to hear book with teeth in the background vocals singing cold cold heart or somesuch thing. Not support back ups but the hook. I know this is just a rough draft but I would work overtime on getting a killer groove that just won't quit for this. This, to me, is a groove song. I don't mean a pounding dance floor thing as much is a Sam Jones, Sade, Neto smooth groove that just has barbs at the end of it. Of course while staying true to your Indy/electro roots for sure. I dig this start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 15, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 15, 2015 Hey all, here's a new version, I fleshed out the arrangement a bit and nailed down the chorus chords (took a while). No new words (yet). Coming along, trying to not be too boppy. Let me know what you think. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13073938 Thanks, Lee, great stuff - did you hear this version? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted March 15, 2015 Members Share Posted March 15, 2015 The new version, yes, yes, much nicer. I do like that four on the floor. Vocal "and I......I'm waking up in bed with shakes again (etc)" the first thing my brain said was, "I want some Beach Boy-like harmonies blooming in that section right when you sing the first "I". Arpeggiate the harmony parts coming in, one additional layer on each beat for three beats (and eye......(eye....eye....eye)) Oh, I hear it in my head and it's wonderful If not the Beach Boys, then Todd Rundgren. And that little piano bit at 1:22 right after cold, cold, heart and before "please don't say your love is true" is just perfect. Bring it up in the mix as a big dividing line, make it pop. It's right at the end of your tune, too - yes, make it bright, compress it and maybe layer with a little bitty horn or horn-like synth part (low enough so it doesn't sound midi-ish, but just brightens up and makes the tone richer). And the synth strings, yes! I'm liking this song a lot. nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted March 16, 2015 Author Members Share Posted March 16, 2015 The new version, yes, yes, much nicer. I do like that four on the floor. Vocal "and I......I'm waking up in bed with shakes again (etc)" the first thing my brain said was, "I want some Beach Boy-like harmonies blooming in that section right when you sing the first "I". Arpeggiate the harmony parts coming in, one additional layer on each beat for three beats (and eye......(eye....eye....eye)) Oh, I hear it in my head and it's wonderful If not the Beach Boys, then Todd Rundgren. And that little piano bit at 1:22 right after cold, cold, heart and before "please don't say your love is true" is just perfect. Bring it up in the mix as a big dividing line, make it pop. It's right at the end of your tune, too - yes, make it bright, compress it and maybe layer with a little bitty horn or horn-like synth part (low enough so it doesn't sound midi-ish, but just brightens up and makes the tone richer). And the synth strings, yes! I'm liking this song a lot. nat whilk ii Nice, thanks, good stuff. I'll think about the vocal 'bloom'...challenge is I'm not writing this for myself but a female singer, so hard to tell what will work untul that's tracked. You should like the 4 on the floor kick...it was your idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 9, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 9, 2015 OK, I had a 6-hr flight today (Newark to Orange County) and I forced myself to finish some lyrics, sitting w/ my laptop and rhyming dictionary. Here is verse 2 of this, let me know if it works. Didn't want to mention drinking in yet another song but the line was too good, ha. Feels like I have some good lines, not sure it holds together, let me know, thanks! (In addition I have a new track plus tweaks to some older ones, stay tuned.) http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13119569 "My Cold, Cold Heart" Please don’t say your love is truePlease stop hanging ‘round and telling me what to doPlease stop lying to my faceDon’t go telling me I haven’t been replacedplease stop chewing on your thumbPlease don’t look at me like I’m the crazy oneand please stop picking up the phoneevery time I call, each time I feel alone ChorusAnd I……….. I’m waking up the bed with shakes againCause I……….. I’m making all the same mistakes againcause you know it’s hardto stay on guardfighting off a cold, cold heartmy cold, cold heartwhy can’t I learnI always burntrying to warm a cold, cold heartmy cold, cold heart Come with me and kill some timeLose a year and watch the happy world go bywonder how it all goes wrong?Watch me feel aliveuntil the new is gonePlease stop pacing up the floorPlease don’t grab your things and back up towards the doorPlease stop beating up the wallNow you feel just like methank you, alcohol Chorus Edit: tweaked and re-recorded the lyric, updated comments Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted May 10, 2015 Members Share Posted May 10, 2015 The only thing that is sounding like it could be smoothed out a little is the line:Please don’t grab your things and back up towards the door Maybe this will sing easier:Please don’t grab your things and back up to the door Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 10, 2015 Members Share Posted May 10, 2015 Here is verse 2 of this, let me know if it works. Didn't want to mention drinking in yet another song but the line was too good, ha. Feels like I have some good lines, not sure it holds together, let me know, thanks! Come with me and kill some time Lose a year and watch the happy world go by wonder how it all goes wrong? Watch me feel alive until the new is gone Please stop pacing up the floor Please don’t grab your things and back up towards the door Please stop beating up the wall Now you feel just like me thank you, alcohol There are some good lines in the 2nd verse, especially that last one. It's terrific. "Until the new is gone" is pretty good too. The rest I'm not so sure about. Much of it is confusing; it seems to contradict the dynamic of the first verse and the chorus. I also have to question the change in subject from "your cold, cold heart" to "my cold, cold heart." I think it makes more sense the other way around. Also, I would love to hear more '"please don't"s in the 2nd verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 10, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 10, 2015 Thanks both for feedback. @OGP that line is *supposed* to be staccato like that, perhaps it doesn't work as well as I think. There are some good lines in the 2nd verse, especially that last one. It's terrific. "Until the new is gone" is pretty good too. The rest I'm not so sure about. Much of it is confusing; it seems to contradict the dynamic of the first verse and the chorus. I also have to question the change in subject from "your cold, cold heart" to "my cold, cold heart." I think it makes more sense the other way around. Also, I would love to hear more '"please don't"s in the 2nd verse. Ugh. Yeah it's "my cold heart" because that worked best I think - unreliable narrator who thinks the lover is lying, can't calibrate/gauge his/her feelings. That's the point - "stick with me and be miserable for a year because I always f&*k things up." I'm mixed on the last line - I love it in isolation, but in context it makes literal what had been figurative (waking up with shakes), and it's not about drinking. So I'm torn. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted May 10, 2015 Members Share Posted May 10, 2015 Thanks both for feedback. Yeah it's "my cold heart" because that worked best I think - unreliable narrator who thinks the lover is lying, can't calibrate/gauge his/her feelings. That's the point - "stick with me and be miserable for a year because I always f&*k things up." Really? I must be dumb or not paying attention because I didn't get that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 11, 2015 Really? I must be dumb or not paying attention because I didn't get that... Well, it was all that plus I wanted to differentiate it from the older Hank Williams song, too. Let me know if it still works for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted May 11, 2015 Author Members Share Posted May 11, 2015 Wrote a bridge yesterday, no words but a guitar plays the melody...maybe too boppy? http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13120671 Here's a rough piano/vocal for vibe (dummy words): http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13120679 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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