Till We Meet Again

[thehundredthone]

Written about a puppy I had as a child that died, but also about losing friends (through death, or more usually, through life). The drum samples are not the best. I'd like to hear your critique and comments.

 

http://www.reverbnation.com/thehundr...-we-meet-again

 

Till We Meet Again

 

A single step only by chance

And our story did unfold

 

In a moment I saw, our time was too short

A lifetime we weren't sold

 

Fighting to keep you

To keep you from falling of that roof

 

Then it was time to let you go

And you found your way back to the cold

 

After you left

I buried your bones

Did they come up for air?

 

Did they draw another line, are they keeping track of time,

Are they writing each second down

 

Does it get a special place of its own

Lying hidden in the dark, did it really leave a mark?

 

Ever get the feeling that you're

Out of sight and out of sound

 

Did you want the world to slow

And read the writing on the ground

 

And after you left

The song didn't stop

Did it play till the end?

 

Now all that's left

Are these old bones

They're no worse for wear

 

Goodbye old friend

We'll tell ourselves that lie

Till we meet again.

[oldgitplayer]

This is tough to critique. Aspects of the lyric are song-like and other aspects feel more like poetry.

I don't know whether or not you intended to give a nod to Wilfred Owen's poem in those final 2 lines, but I like them.

 

I would like to see a tighter lyric with some of the unclear lines made clear.

Also to revise lines that don't really make any sense. e.g.: We bury a body, we don't bury bones.

I'm not suggesting the lyric should be straight up and down. Hints and suggestions are appropriate, but just in a more coherent fashion.

 

Melodically, I found the first quarter didn't hold my attention - the vocal melody is monotonous. Later as you up the tempo, you voice becomes more interesting and the melody seems to have more varied intervals.

 

The guitar solo with heavy FX appears abruptly out of nowhere and disappears back there again. Maybe integrate some lead work subtly into the background prior to the solo and then bring it to the front.

 

Overall, I like the song, but feel it would benefit from additional development melodically, lyrically and in the instrument arrangement.

 

I hope this is of some help.

[LCK]

I'm assuming this is all you, all the tracks, backing vocals, bass, guitars?

 

To me that's the only drawback, if there are any, to this song. As an album track it needs a bit more work. But as a demo it's really damn good.

[thehundredthone]

I don't know whether or not you intended to give a nod to Wilfred Owen's poem in those final 2 lines, but I like them.

 

I would like to see a tighter lyric with some of the unclear lines made clear.

Also to revise lines that don't really make any sense. e.g.: We bury a body, we don't bury bones.

I'm not suggesting the lyric should be straight up and down. Hints and suggestions are appropriate, but just in a more coherent fashion.

 

Melodically, I found the first quarter didn't hold my attention - the vocal melody is monotonous. Later as you up the tempo, you voice becomes more interesting and the melody seems to have more varied intervals.

 

The guitar solo with heavy FX appears abruptly out of nowhere and disappears back there again. Maybe integrate some lead work subtly into the background prior to the solo and then bring it to the front.

 

Overall, I like the song, but feel it would benefit from additional development melodically, lyrically and in the instrument arrangement.

 

I hope this is of some help.

 

Thank you. You've reflected some of my own issues with this song.

 

Unfortunately I am not that cultured, did you mean Jessie Pope's poem though? That's what Google brought up. I used the lyric "I buried your bones" because I did in fact bury more or less just his bones. I get what you mean about it not making conventional sense, but maybe I can claim creative license here.

 

I agree about the melody for the first couple of verses, they're too low for my voice perhaps? I need to rework that completely.

 

The solo does pop out a little unnaturally, and I think it's partly because I wasn't able to bring the second guitar in the way I wanted after the first chorus. Maybe I need to add a little bit of dirt to it?

 

I'm assuming this is all you, all the tracks, backing vocals, bass, guitars?

 

To me that's the only drawback, if there are any, to this song. As an album track it needs a bit more work. But as a demo it's really damn good.

 

This is all me, yes. And I agree that that is a drawback especially at my current level. As some background, I'm a medical student and right now with residency interviews I'm in a different country so there's no more band. I tracked everything before I left home because I don't know when I'll get another chance, so I'm working with what I have. Not that it's an excuse for the quality, it's more a record of my work and I fully hope to rework it into something substantially better. I was thinking about online collaborations with other musicians, do you guys have any experience with that? I love collaborating because it really expands the musicality of my ideas.

[oldgitplayer]

 

did you mean Jessie Pope's poem though? That's what Google brought up.

 

Wilfred Owen was one of the poets who experienced and wrote about the 1st World War.

Dulce et decorum est is a well known poem that we learned in school.

 

The final lines 'Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori' roughly translates as 'It is sweet and right to die for your country'

Hence the poet refers to it as 'The old lie'.

 

The poem has personal relevance to me because my grandfather drove one of the first tank inventions. He died from the mustard gas.

 

Dulce Et Decorum Est

 

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,

Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,

Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs

And towards our distant rest began to trudge.

Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots

But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;

Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots

Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

 

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,

Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;

But someone still was yelling out and stumbling

And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--

Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light

As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

 

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,

He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

 

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace

Behind the wagon that we flung him in,

And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,

His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;

If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood

Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,

Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud

Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest

To children ardent for some desperate glory,

The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est

Pro patria mori.

 

[thehundredthone]

 

Wilfred Owen was one of the poets who experienced and wrote about the 1st World War.

Dulce et decorum est is a well known poem that we learned in school.

 

The final lines 'Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori' roughly translates as 'It is sweet and right to die for your country'

Hence the poet refers to it as 'The old lie'.

 

The poem has personal relevance to me because my grandfather drove one of the first tank inventions. He died from the mustard gas.

 

 

Those are powerful verses, and I can imagine that your memory of your grandfather makes them stronger.

 

I have uploaded a slightly reworked version. I'd like to know if you think the initial melody works better now, and also if you think the mix (especially the way the solo fits) has improved.

[oldgitplayer]

I can hear the improvements, but I still feel the arrangement can be improved.

 

The song only begins to feel strong and engage once you introduce the additional instruments at 'Did they draw another line' or 'Does it get a special place' ( I can't remember which one). Before that it drags a bit. The passages without the fuller instrumentation are perhaps too long. So one solution would be to bring in instrumentation a little earlier.

 

The other observation I would like to make is that you only bring in vocal harmonies very late in the piece with 'And after you left'. This is very good and even more engaging. So another solution would be to introduce vocal harmonies earlier in the piece as well.

 

​I am aware that you have used the structural model of starting quietly and building up to a crescendo and then dropping to quiet again for your outro, but will the listener stay with the song long enough to hear that?

 

So there is nothing wrong with the song itself, I just think you need to engage your listener earlier rather than later.

 

I'm not much of a musician myself so it would help if there was some additional critique offered from the more proficient musicians / producers on the forum.

 

[rickidoo]

As I listened to the song, the first 6 lines are so (melodically) began to repeat. My ear was hoping for a change, something that moved the song melodically along.

 

I was pleased when when the "then it was time to let you go..." line came, and especially the line "and you found your way back to teh cold..." my ears started to pick up... oh.. ah... me.. likes....

 

And the rest of the song moved along smartly, held my interest melodically/musically.

 

SO, my main suggestion is this... either add some surprises in the melody in the lines prgressing up to the first chorus... or snip snip remove some of them so its a shorter distance.

 

I love the 2nd half of the song. The song went from my itchy hands on my mouse to "hands off and listen fool!"

 

(Me the fool...)

 

:-)

 

Rick

[thehundredthone]

As I listened to the song, the first 6 lines are so (melodically) began to repeat. My ear was hoping for a change, something that moved the song melodically along.

 

I was pleased when when the "then it was time to let you go..." line came, and especially the line "and you found your way back to teh cold..." my ears started to pick up... oh.. ah... me.. likes....

 

And the rest of the song moved along smartly, held my interest melodically/musically.

 

SO, my main suggestion is this... either add some surprises in the melody in the lines prgressing up to the first chorus... or snip snip remove some of them so its a shorter distance.

 

I love the 2nd half of the song. The song went from my itchy hands on my mouse to "hands off and listen fool!"

 

(Me the fool...)

 

:-)

 

Rick

Did you listen to the first version I put up, or the one I put up after oldgitplayer's comments? I reworked the initial vocal melody because I agreed it was a little repetitive. Do you feel this new one is still repetitive? It was, of course, a bit of a quick fix. I'm glad you liked the song overall though!

 

 

I can hear the improvements, but I still feel the arrangement can be improved.

...

I was trying to keep to a single singer arrangement, the background vocals were really an afterthought, but I'm beginning to align with you and rickidoo on this aspect. I'll work on some layers (vocal/instrument) to liven up the initial section

[rickidoo]

I'm not sure which version it was... I just listened again.. I think it was version 1 I listened to. This is better, but I still think a little snip snip shortening the distance to the first chorus is needed. Keep in mind I am listening strictly from a musical, and not a lyrical standpoint.

 

Best,

 

Rick

[LeonardScaper]

I'm glad I found this song. I don't pay as much attention to lyrics as my compatriots here. Instead I like to let the song speak to me of what is on your mind.

 

This one spoke to me.

 

*wave*

[thehundredthone]

Thank you! Means a lot that you think so.