Members LCK Posted January 24, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 24, 2015 Oh, no, the razor is totally out of left field and totally makes its mark. Everyone, well, almost everyone, will understand. It's an artistic leap that is underscored by felt reality - what else is art? nat whilk ii Wow. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 26, 2015 Moderators Share Posted January 26, 2015 Bam. Slam... Right to the heart. Mild, subtle and creative shifts of the cliches make this real, natural, fresh and... Real. This is good! What we've all felt a time or two. I LIKE this. More fiddling around.... Intro. When the evening sun goes down I start out counting stars, eat my heart out, then hit the bars. ’Round noontime I awaken, realize I was mistaken to think I’m over you. So I give myself a talking to. 1. You should have told her how much you love her. You should have gone all in and bought the ring. You should have sent her a thousand roses. Your tough guy poses, what did they bring? 2. If you should call her and should she answer would you lay your feelings bare or play it cool? You could have had the kind of girl to hold forever but you were much too clever and such a fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 26, 2015 Author Members Share Posted January 26, 2015 Bam. Slam... Right to the heart. Mild' date=' subtle and creative shifts of the cliches make this real, natural, fresh and... Real. This is good! What we've all felt a time or two. I LIKE this.[/quote'] Thanks! I had a little help from people here who steered me in the right direction. I'm almost over my cold, so I may post a recording sometime soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted January 31, 2015 Members Share Posted January 31, 2015 So I'm super late here, but I love the idea, and I love where it's developing, but I would make this an AABA thing. Which means each verse should start with "I should have told her" to reinforce the title and then you lay out something else you should have said that gives some depth to the relationship. Like the last one is "I should have told her I'd forgiv'n her" where you reveal she's been unfaithful. Or keep it simple, dunno. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thehundredthone Posted January 31, 2015 Members Share Posted January 31, 2015 I prefer the razor line to the more direct revision myself, for the intro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted January 31, 2015 Members Share Posted January 31, 2015 I know you normally like to get the lyrics nailed before adding the music, but I am wondering if this could help with the feel of the song, and hence, the direction of the words? Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 1, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 1, 2015 I know you normally like to get the lyrics nailed before adding the music' date=' but[b'] I am wondering if this could help[/b] with the feel of the song, and hence, the direction of the words? Just a thought. I'm not sure I get what you're asking or suggesting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 2, 2015 Members Share Posted February 2, 2015 Sorry, I wasn't clear. What I was asking is do you have any of the music for this song crafted yet? And this no doubt is my own bias/limitation... but I was thinking that having the music demoed with the existing lyrics might help in the lyrical refinement process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 2, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 2, 2015 Sorry' date=' I wasn't clear. What I was asking is do you have any of the music for this song crafted yet? And this no doubt is my own bias/limitation... but I was thinking that having the music demoed with the existing lyrics might help in the lyrical refinement process.[/quote'] Yes. I have a tune, but my voice has been a bit rough thanks to a persistent cold... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 4, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 4, 2015 Here's the demo. "You Should Have Told Her"(3:43) Intro.When the evening sun goes down I always start out counting stars,then eat my heart out, and hit the bars.’Round sunrise I awaken and realize I’ve been mistakento think that I could get over you. So I give myself a little talking to. 1.You should have told her how much you love her.You should have gone all in and bought the ring.You should have sent her a thousand roses.Your tough guy poses, what did they bring? 2.If you should phone her and, should she answer,would you lay your feelings bare or play it cool?You could have had the kind of love that lasts foreverbut you were much too clever and such a fool. Music & Lyric © 2015 by Lee Charles KelleyWest Sixty Ninth Street Music (ASCAP) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted February 4, 2015 Members Share Posted February 4, 2015 This is very nice. I like the structure, the lyric, the chords, the melody.My only comment is that you have written the Intro in a way that works, but your delivery is disjointed. The deliver of the verses is absolutely fine. V2 even better than V1. But you are not there yet with the Intro. It feels unnatural. It's not the writing - just the delivery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 4, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 4, 2015 This is very nice. I like the structure, the lyric, the chords, the melody. My only comment is that you have written the Intro in a way that works, but your delivery is disjointed. The deliver of the verses is absolutely fine. V2 even better than V1. But you are not there yet with the Intro. It feels unnatural. It's not the writing - just the delivery. Thanks for the feedback. Actually, the vocal on the intro was done intentionally out of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thehundredthone Posted February 5, 2015 Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 I really like the way you've set it up. The issue with the delivery of the intro I think is that it's not quite clear in the vocalisation of the melody at the ends of lines, and personally I don't like the chord change in the penultimate line (the vi (?) chord under "could get over you"). I still think you should use that razor line, it really gives something to the song. And maybe think about a different 3rd line for the second iteration of V2, although it sounds just fine as it is. I love the rhyme scheme, what is it called, abcc/b? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 5, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 Yes, ABCCB. I liked the razor line too, but I felt it had to be clear that he was talking about getting ready to shave, and looking in the mirror. I couldn't figure out a way to give the word razor that context in the space allotted. I may go back to it. Who knows? The half-tone modulation in the line in question is kind of de rigeur for this kind of song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thehundredthone Posted February 5, 2015 Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 To be clear I was talking about the second chord in that line ("could get over you") and not the first ("to think that"). And if that is the one you're talking about too, then maybe a different voicing? I'll listen again tomorrow to try and articulate what it is I don't like about the change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 5, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 The song is in E flat. The chords on that line go from an A to a Gm. If it's the Gm that bothers you, you're right. It's probably not the right chord. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 5, 2015 Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 1. I love love love the verses, musically speaking. Lovely. The one musical comment about the verses, is 2nd verse "play it cool". Melodically, the note on "cool" (and the chord that follows) was so predictable. It works, certainly, but I am wondering if there is another note/chord that can go on the cool that is less predictable and more classic "LCK". 2. The intro, musically, isn't as strong as the verses, but it is as long as the verses. Something needs to happen in the intro - either make it half as long so it doesn't take so long to get to the 1st verse, or, do something to elevate the intro to the highly beautiful verses. Story wise, I am "feeling it" - the sadness and regret conveyed by the verses. And it's done in a realistic and not overly played up way as many lyrical amateurs (myself in that club) would no doubt do. So, I think you threaded the needle well. Best, Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 5, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 The one musical comment about the verses, is 2nd verse "play it cool". Melodically, the note on "cool" (and the chord that follows) was so predictable. It works, certainly, but I am wondering if there is another note/chord that can go on the cool that is less predictable and more classic "LCK". Rick Such as? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 5, 2015 Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 Here are 3. Just played with the word "cool" picth. This was done in Melodyne, and because all I had was your mp3, which had a mix of git and vocals, its much harder to reach in and just impact the vocals. But it's good enough to get the thoughts across. 3 'cools' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 5, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 5, 2015 Interesting. But it's hard to decipher. Here are the chords, as sung. ...................F-...................... Bb7 ............... Eb Eb∆7 Eb7would you lay your feelings bare or play it cool? Maybe you could play the melody line and chords you're hearing instead of using the computer? I'm also not sure if you're suggesting that the vocal do that kind of warbling yodel, or just stay on one or two notes. Personally, I think the melody should land on one note and the chords should change under it, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted February 6, 2015 Members Share Posted February 6, 2015 I had the exact same reaction, unprompted, as Rick regarding the interval leap up to "cool". The little move to the major 7th and then the 7th is also pretty predictable. Which to change, the internal leap or the chords? Just have to experiment. For the progression Fmin - Bb7 - Eb - Ebmaj7 - Eb7 Maybe just make that Eb an Ebmin, then instead of Ebmaj7-Eb7, go with Ebmin/maj7, Ebmin7, Ebmin6. (this descending thing could also be echoed in the bass if you stick a bass on this) Then on "had" go straight to Abmin. the kind of love (on "love" go to either Bb7 or D diminished - d dim basically is Bb7 without the Bb) that lasts forever (on "ever" go to Cmin7 for 4 beats, then C7 for 4 beats) at that point just proceed unchanged from what you have. One further tweak might make the Cmin7-C7 smoother would be to go Cmin7 (4 beats) C7sus (2 beats) C7 (2 beats) -pretty easy to do with the bar chord. Make sense? nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 6, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 6, 2015 I had the exact same reaction, unprompted, as Rick regarding the interval leap up to "cool". The little move to the major 7th and then the 7th is also pretty predictable. Which to change, the internal leap or the chords? Just have to experiment. For the progression Fmin - Bb7 - Eb - Ebmaj7 - Eb7 Maybe just make that Eb an Ebmin, then instead of Ebmaj7-Eb7, go with Ebmin/maj7, Ebmin7, Ebmin6. (this descending thing could also be echoed in the bass if you stick a bass on this) Then on "had" go straight to Abmin. the kind of love (on "love" go to either Bb7 or D diminished - d dim basically is Bb7 without the Bb) that lasts forever (on "ever" go to Cmin7 for 4 beats, then C7 for 4 beats) at that point just proceed unchanged from what you have. One further tweak might make the Cmin7-C7 smoother would be to go Cmin7 (4 beats) C7sus (2 beats) C7 (2 beats) -pretty easy to do with the bar chord. Make sense? nat whilk ii The C chord stuff makes a little more sense than turning the Eb to an Ebmin. That just sounds weird to me. Landing on the C7 over "cool" instead of the Eb is a bit less predictable. I'll play around with that.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thehundredthone Posted February 6, 2015 Members Share Posted February 6, 2015 So on listening again, I don't mind the iii (Gm) at all. I think the transition from the #IV (A) which is not in key to the iii (Gm) is what doesn't sit so well (though it works well in the previous line going IV-#IV-V because it's resolving chromatically upwards). If you voice led with a #IV7 (dominant 7th), that works better because they share the G. Or you could use the 1st inversion Gm/Bb even with a simple A because you're resolving chromatically upwards again. So you can try: Think that I, could get---------------------------------------- over youA7 ---------- (Cm7 before the "could get" optionally) - Gm or you could do: Think that I, could get over youA7 (or A) ---------------------- Gm/Bb. For the "play it cool" line I think rickidoo wants you to counterpoint the Eb-D-Db transition with a vocal G-Ab-(A)-Bb (and you get the ideas for the other two examples). I think it sounds good on the Bb but you should bring out the chord changes a little (not necessarily the Eb-D-Db, you could extend the chords and have another layer of transition). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thehundredthone Posted February 6, 2015 Members Share Posted February 6, 2015 The C chord stuff makes a little more sense than turning the Eb to an Ebmin. That just sounds weird to me. Landing on the C7 over "cool" instead of the Eb is a bit less predictable. I'll play around with that.... I hate not having my guitar with me. If you want to change up the Eb-Ebmaj7-Eb7, try Ebmaj7-Eb11-Eb7-F7sus4 (keeps the feel of the Eb-Eb7 transition while adding a little flair). If you want to land on C7 (in which case you could sing cool on G and only go up to the Bb just before the next "you could" although Bb would still work fine), try C7-C7sus4-Eb7-Fm6. In both cases the Eb7 feel (which I think you should hold on to) is preserved and the final Fm (or sus4) resolves well to your next chord (Bb). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 6, 2015 Author Members Share Posted February 6, 2015 Thanks, 100th One! That's given me some ideas for changing things up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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