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Beneath the Bleeding


DeathKnell

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Whats up guys, I'm new to Harmony Central, but I wanted to Post up a song I wrote for my band last night.

 

Beneath the Bleeding

 

 

This body breathes, but only death seeps from it's lungs. Stale mending of it's malevolent life.The only future it see is the one it destroyed with the past it lived.It lays there in it's casket made of bones and flesh. With bleeding broken nails and blood stained walls, It whispers it's last prayer to deaf ears.This thought of being free is chased away by inner ashes of contamination. Now all it does is drown in it's pool of blood, waiting for the ropes around it's hands and the thread around it's mouth to be cut.This Nightmare only ends in one way, and the only escape is through it's death.Buried beneath a world that is filled with doubt, this moments the last.

And now it ends it's alleged existance, and scratches at it's once beating heart.

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hey, man. you have a lot of useful images in this. though, just a suggestion: you should probably write it in a stanza form like other lyrics or poetry. it's just easier to follow that way. i got a bit lost reading it, despite its shortness. (although, i always register my copyrights like this just to piss the reviewer off! - that's a little asshole maneuver i do - i'll grow up someday)

 

well, like i said, there's a lot of usable images, but dominantly figurative. i could use a few solid literal ones strewn in here and there. you almost get lost in all this dark imagery. an experience from this life before the death thrown in there would speak volumes and compliment the bound and gagged dying/dead life image that's being worked.

 

honestly, it sounds like it was written by an extremely intelligent and well-expressed gothic teenager who's phenomenally pissed off. (that's not an insult - it just means there's an air of immaturity to it that will soon be grown or learned out of.)

 

and, that's just this guy's opinion. you definitely have strong linguistic skills going on in here - you just have to complete the package

 

ps - welcome to HC

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Originally posted by bluesway

hey, man. you have a lot of useful images in this. though, just a suggestion: you should probably write it in a stanza form like other lyrics or poetry. it's just easier to follow that way. i got a bit lost reading it, despite its shortness. (although, i always register my copyrights like this just to piss the reviewer off! - that's a little asshole maneuver i do - i'll grow up someday)


well, like i said, there's a lot of usable images, but dominantly figurative. i could use a few solid literal ones strewn in here and there. you almost get lost in all this dark imagery. an experience from this life before the death thrown in there would speak volumes and compliment the bound and gagged dying/dead life image that's being worked.


honestly, it sounds like it was written by an extremely intelligent and well-expressed gothic teenager who's phenomenally pissed off. (that's not an insult - it just means there's an air of immaturity to it that will soon be grown or learned out of.)


and, that's just this guy's opinion. you definitely have strong linguistic skills going on in here - you just have to complete the package


ps - welcome to HC

 

 

 

heheh thanks alot man, i'm not gothic or anything haha and I'm not pissed off at anyone, i just got the idea and worked with it. Thanks alot for the critique, I appreciate it. I'm glad to be apart of HC :thu:

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