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Please read and give opinion


Amy Lou

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Hey guys...i'm a newbie when it comes to writing music......this is the first rough draft of a song i've initially entitled "wonder" ....it's only the first verse and chorus....let me know what you think.....be honest...i cant take it......thanks!!! here it is:

 

She sits there in wonder

Arms crossed and head down

The tears start to fall on her

Where did it all go wrong?

 

What did she do to deserve this?

She gave you all she had

What more could you ask for?

There

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Hi Amy....

 

 

I think I'd have to hear these words in a melodic context to evaluate them...

 

When it comes to lyrics, my new idea is to not work too hard on them, and try to put the effort into making a memorable melodic hook and arrangement.

 

Let us know when you have more done!

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In general, it's better to paint a scene and let the listener feel emotion in the scene- rather than tell the listener what the character is feeling.

 

"Tearing the labels of his bottles of budweiser"

vs.

"He was bored sitting at that bar"

 

or

 

"I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive"

vs.

"He hurt me so bad I'm gonna' hurt him back"

 

Make sense?

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Originally posted by Christopher Kai

In general, it's better to paint a scene and let the listener feel emotion in the scene- rather than tell the listener what the character is feeling...

 

 

...except that's not the music industries philosophy of "dumbing down".:freak:

 

 

 

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=481684

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Originally posted by ToxicBass




...except that's not the music industries philosophy of "dumbing down".
:freak:


 

I think there's still an appreciation for saying things in a new way. For example, "We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American Way", instead of, "We will retaliate when attacked". Or "What makes you think I'ma let you hit it? Will you still respect me if I let you in it?" instead of, um, ... well... :freak:

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It is certainly cohesive and paints an easily recognizable picture. Also you have hit upon an emotion that a lot of people can easily identify with--Good job. In all I would say a good early attempt.

 

Some criticism:

 

It is a little too straightforward. Straightforward can be good to a degree, but some metaphor would serve the song better.

 

I am glad that you have not fallen into the trap of trying to rhyme everything. A lot of beginning songwriters try way too hard to rhyme and thus the song starts to sound too much like a children's poem. However, certain strategic rhyming can be a very effective tool--For instance if you only rhyme the last two lines going into the chorus. I am not saying that you have to rhyme. Only that it can be an effective tool if

used well.

 

Keep writing--Write all the time. And good luck.

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I like it, I also tend to think that less is more sometimes. I sometimes write about feelings rather than a story..which gets mixed reviews.

 

Sometimes people bash songs and complain that they did not have enough story or meaning and I then remember that REM sometimes had songs with no meaning at all and they were still good. Sometimes you just need to find something that works for the space and it may spark individual interpitation.

 

Keep up the good work.:thu:

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