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Another pop song, let me know what you think...


tamoore

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I wrote this song back almost two years ago (and actually posted the lyrics here on the songwriting forum, back when I only had about a dozen or so posts... :eek:)..

 

I've been messing around with it now for a few weekends, trying to get the mix right, and I'm not happy with most of it. This is my sixth mixdown.....For sure I still need some more EQing here and there.

 

Anyway, there is a huge Lyrical cliche in here, that (If I remember right) caused a forumite here to "Cringe" when he/she read it... Back then, I said I'd try to change them - but I didn't.. ;)

 

 

Anyway, I've torn this apart everyway I can, and I'm still missing it.

 

Thanks for your input......

 

 

http://www.skyrippersystems.com/MP3/Pretty_Penny_mixdown_6.mp3

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Yikes. I was not expecting that jump into the chorus. I think it was the good kind of surprise, but only barely. The melody is a bit New-Wavey, but a bit simple, especially on the verse. The synths are well done, in the Kraftwerk parody kind of way.

 

I'm not sure what to see--this is a pretty wild one. I don't see any commercial potential, but I'd listen to another of your songs after hearing this one. The vocals are the weak spot--I can tell where you're going, and I like it, but I'm not sure you (or your singer) can pull it off.

 

And there are a few cringe-worthy lines in there, but they fit the style. If I was making a Wedding Singer-style 80s parody movie and needed an original song, I think I'd call you.

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Listening:

 

Love the distinction between the open and the kick-in. Nice harmony vocals. I'm really impressed with your recordings so far. Nice solid tight bass and drums. More cool analog synths. Love'em.

 

Again:

 

This rocks hard when it kicks in. I love the cool. . . umm. . . 80's sound? you have here and on your other posted song. I think you have a uniquely retro sound going on. I really like the "center of my world you'll see" hook in here. It hooks me anyway. Nice little distorted vocal break thingy.

 

Swinging rocking retro cool man. Very nice.

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Originally posted by Chicken Monkey

Yikes. I was not expecting that jump into the chorus. I think it was the good kind of surprise, but only barely. The melody is a bit New-Wavey, but a bit simple, especially on the verse. The synths are well done, in the Kraftwerk parody kind of way.


I'm not sure what to see--this is a pretty wild one. I don't see any commercial potential, but I'd listen to another of your songs after hearing this one. The vocals are the weak spot--I can tell where you're going, and I like it, but I'm not sure you (or your singer) can pull it off.


And there are a few cringe-worthy lines in there, but they fit the style. If I was making a Wedding Singer-style 80s parody movie and needed an original song, I think I'd call you.

 

Thanks for the comments, CM....

 

For the 'just barely' good surprise chorus jump, I was thinking that there might need to be a little more air between the end of the first verse and the start of the first chorus... Like another 4 beats.. with a very light room mic recorded '1 2 3' count going on underneath prior to the guitar pick-slide - kind of a warning that it's coming.... I dunno. Maybe I'll hack it up and try that.....

 

I was going for a total power-pop type thing here - and I love 80's synth pop. I remember that when I was writing the words, I kind of wanted simple fun, with nothing too complicated going on. As it turns out, 'simple' is a very good style for me - I come by it naturally ;)

 

Re: Listening to another of my songs, here's one I posted last week - not sure if you missed it, but it's for sure the same style;

 

http://acapella.harmony-central.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1371651

 

It's the only other one of this retro pop style that I've recorded in this collection of songs I'm working on. I've got industrial, traditional rock, and country in this set too....

 

I'm guilty of being the singer here. I have a pretty pathetic one-octave range, and I try to do the best I can. With my understanding that confidence is the key to 'singing', I have to put it out there like I can pull it off - even when I know I can't. ;) I can hear that I'm flat on several (if not every) notes. On the 'Pretty little Penny' line, in particular, that first note is flat because I'm at the limit to my range, and can't squeeze the few semi-tones higher to complete the deal... :(

 

I lost a lot of hearing through the 90's playing in loud rock bands, and I think it has effected my ability to monitor my pitch. I end up redoing things a lot, and eventually have to settle. I think this is truly the 'best' I can do. A lesson to you guys still gigging - please wear ear protection......

 

Anyway, thanks again for the comments. When you're ready to make that movie, call me - we'll talk....

 

;)

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Originally posted by tamoore



Thanks for the comments, CM....


For the 'just barely' good surprise chorus jump, I was thinking that there might need to be a little more air between the end of the first verse and the start of the first chorus... Like another 4 beats.. with a very light room mic recorded '1 2 3' count going on underneath prior to the guitar pick-slide - kind of a warning that it's coming.... I dunno. Maybe I'll hack it up and try that.....

 

 

I actually did try this.. here is a sample. I think it does sound better, and may even give the backing track a slight tinge of 'reality'...... ;)

 

I also upped the harmony level on the first verse... This is only a 30 second sample.....

 

http://www.skyrippersystems.com/MP3/Pretty_Penny_8_PP.mp3

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i don't know, i kinda like the flatness on 'pretty' - it works for me. that first chorus DID come in very abruptly, but it was also kinda cool. i would have left a bit of room there in the break, too. i think that was a good suggestion.

 

this tune is fun synth rock and it's super-light, but i have to say, the lyrics were just too little for me. i bet the cliche comment was about 'got me on my knees,' right? ouch.

 

i think the coolest thing for me was the synth that stayed there a lot of the time without getting in the way of the melody. i liked that quite a bit. i always have a hard time incorporating a second melody that isn't stepping on the first.

 

i don't know if it did enough for me to say i really like this tune (especially since 80s synth stuff is something i've never liked), but i had fun listening and it was a good length.

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I actually thought the jump into the chorus wasn't that unexpected, but perhaps that was cause I was reading the posts about it while still on the first verse :D

 

I like the synth lines at the end especially; they exemplify the musical idea of the song very well, plus they just sound cool. The bridge I thought sounded excellent, but I have to agree with Chicken Monkey that the vocals just seem to stretch the singer's ability a little, but I actually find the only parts there that bothered me were on the first verse - just something about the first verse that doesn't quite sit right...

 

Yah, the lyrics are horribly cliche at parts, but quite frankly I think it works for this song and who's to say that takes away from the fun of the music, in fact it adds to it in my opinion. I could almost hear annoying teenage girls singing this - that kind of catchy lyric/melody thing. :D

 

Overall good work though, and I'd like to hear what other improvements you can do with this.

 

(P.S. Has anyone ever heard of a midi-sequencing software called FruityLoops? My friend gave FruityLoops3 to me, and it looks actually fairly powerful and useful, just was curious if anyone's ever heard of it, cause I'm a poor high school student I can't afford mainstream stuff =P)

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Originally posted by Floophead3


(P.S. Has anyone ever heard of a midi-sequencing software called FruityLoops? My friend gave FruityLoops3 to me, and it looks actually fairly powerful and useful, just was curious if anyone's ever heard of it, cause I'm a poor high school student I can't afford mainstream stuff =P)

 

 

I don't know about version 3, but I am currently using FLStudio 6 so I can probably answer questions about the major capabilities/issues of the software. PM me.

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Originally posted by Floophead3

I actually thought the jump into the chorus wasn't that unexpected, but perhaps that was cause I was reading the posts about it while still on the first verse
:D

I like the synth lines at the end especially; they exemplify the musical idea of the song very well, plus they just sound cool. The bridge I thought sounded excellent, but I have to agree with Chicken Monkey that the vocals just seem to stretch the singer's ability a little, but I actually find the only parts there that bothered me were on the first verse - just something about the first verse that doesn't quite sit right...


Yah, the lyrics are horribly cliche at parts, but quite frankly I think it works for this song and who's to say that takes away from the fun of the music, in fact it adds to it in my opinion. I could almost hear annoying teenage girls singing this - that kind of catchy lyric/melody thing.
:D

Overall good work though, and I'd like to hear what other improvements you can do with this.

 

Thanks for the comments.... I made a few changes, one was to increase the harmony lines on the first to match the lead vocal. I think this added some continuity...

 

I've tried a mess of stuff on the first verse to get it to sound right... Hand claps, a capella, added a bass line.... Everything I've tried sounded worse (to me) but it might only be because I'm used to hearing it the way it is......

 

I changed the sample set on the bass guitar too, to make it a little lighter. The old one didn't sit too well in the mix before, and with the new set, more of the melodic qualities of the line comes through....

 

Anyway, thanks to everyone for checking it out and for the compliments and critiques......

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I like it as is, or if you're trying to sound more "current"(?) I think I'm missing some high end sparkle/air and/or a more lumbering/muted/chorused bass. Sounds almost too clean and isolated. Like it could be warmed in the 200 K range. I'm stretching. It's tough to describe something that's "missing" until you hear it.

Maybe take out half the high hat hits? Have fun - maybe just let it sit a couple days? Nice job working with the tools you have.

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