Jump to content

A couple of my lyrics, I'd love opinions


FooEverlong12

Recommended Posts

  • Members

Hmm...

 

The first one is not a keeper. The "X needs Y like A needs B" thing is one of the oldest conceits in poetry. If you're doing it, you have to do it well and with a certain amount of awareness and irony. Also, I can't imagine singing the word "lips" that many times and making it sound good. "Lips" is a splatty word; I think it would sound forced or clipped.

 

I kind of like the 2nd one in theory, but I'd go after it with a red pen and cut the number of words in half. There's some nice, suggestive language there, but the literal images like

 

I found a pretty little shore,

Down the way from the riverbank,

The city was flooded so badly,

It looked like a lake,

 

are trite and aren't buying you anything.

 

I like some of the images in the third one, but some of the diction could be tightened up. It sounds like you're TRYING to be poetic, rather than trying to convey/communicate something to someone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Hmm...


The first one is not a keeper. The "X needs Y like A needs B" thing is one of the oldest conceits in poetry. If you're doing it, you have to do it well and with a certain amount of awareness and irony. Also, I can't imagine singing the word "lips" that many times and making it sound good. "Lips" is a splatty word; I think it would sound forced or clipped.


I kind of like the 2nd one in theory, but I'd go after it with a red pen and cut the number of words in half. There's some nice, suggestive language there, but the literal images like


I found a pretty little shore,

Down the way from the riverbank,

The city was flooded so badly,

It looked like a lake,


are trite and aren't buying you anything.


I like some of the images in the third one, but some of the diction could be tightened up. It sounds like you're TRYING to be poetic, rather than trying to convey/communicate something to someone.

 

 

Thanks! I'm sure you know what it's like to think the world of your own stuff, but still know there's something wrong with it, and I'm really glad you pointed it out.

 

Whoops! I just re-read that message and it sounded like I was saying you're full of yourself. I wasn't! I was saying that you (or anyone) can write something and like it a lot, but you still know some little thing is wrong, but can't pick it out, so you need someone else to do it. That's all I was saying!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Thanks! I'm sure you know what it's like to think the world of your own stuff, but still know there's something wrong with it, and I'm really glad you pointed it out.


Whoops! I just re-read that message and it sounded like I was saying you're full of yourself. I wasn't! I was saying that you (or anyone) can write something and like it a lot, but you still know some little thing is wrong, but can't pick it out, so you need someone else to do it. That's all I was saying!

 

 

I totally understand. Glad I could help. Just a question -- how long have you been writing lyrics and are you a writer otherwise?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I think that the imagery of something such as 'like the bottle needs lips'

evokes such a graphic picture of a drunk,

that using a cliched method for relating it, is forgivable.

 

I can't evaluate lyrics on their own.

That is evaluating poetry, not music.

How they 'fit' the structure of the song is as important as their meaning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I can't evaluate lyrics on their own.

That is evaluating poetry, not music.

How they 'fit' the structure of the song is as important as their meaning.

 

 

Songs are technically "short poems set to music." You have to pay attention to the lyric. And song lyrics (essentially poetry meant to be done out loud) have different criteria than poetry that is meant for the page.

 

If a song *needs* to be arranged to have a "rockin' guitar solo" at the bridge lest the whole song suck, that song might just suck.

 

Pop songs and rock songs are rarely interesting enough to justify their existence musically without the lyric to give them weight. Hence, a person should write the best lyrics they possibly can.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

If a song *needs* to be arranged to have a "rockin' guitar solo" at the bridge lest the whole song suck, that song might just suck.


Pop songs and rock songs are rarely interesting enough to justify their existence musically without the lyric to give them weight.

 

 

I am not referring to the solo, so much as to the precise way

into which a lyric fits it's immediate surroundings.

 

Things such as trying to cram extra syllables into a line, are an abomination.

Without hearing the music, you have no sense of what is going on in that area.

 

Even the simplest purest music can be elevated to great heights,

when the lyrics fit musically, in addition to evoking their imagery.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

I totally understand. Glad I could help. Just a question -- how long have you been writing lyrics and are you a writer otherwise?

 

 

I'm in college now, and I've been writing lyrics for probably around four years. I think my biggest problem in writing is just having completeness in an idea. These that I posted, I did so only because they were long enough to actually be considered a song. I've got countless other incomplete single verses that I would probably rate higher quality, but I just have no attention span when it comes to writing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It's unmetered verse that you write. The ideas are there but you might consider distilling it down to more the essential thoughts. If I were to listen to your lyrics as a song, I may not be able to process and understand the words as fast as they would go by. Try to use fewer, more powerful words that get the point across. Alot of songs repeat lyrics, just in case the listener gets distracted by the blazing guitar work or something.

Keep writing. Put the lyrics to a set of chords.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...