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Need help on lyrics


hydra99

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Hi,

 

I wrote these lyrics when I was 18 (now 38), so please don't make fun on me ... :)

Due to the fact that I'm from Germany, my english is only school-english.

I want to take a song to myspace, but I will be embarrassed if the lyrics are in bad english. Someone out there who will take a look at this? (would anybody speek like this?)

 

On my way

 

He was born

in the smallest town I have ever known

and dreams were ther only things

he had to hold on

 

He was one

of the poorest and he'd never seen a school

so there was no other way for him

and nothing else to do

 

But taking everything by force

never knowing any conscience

with hatred he's always been saying

 

I'm on my way

straight up to the top

and I see no reason

for me to stop

Yes, I'm on my way

straight up to the top

and if it's not today

it will be tomorrow, yes there's no doubt

 

Burglary, the beginning

followed by the dirty deal with drugs

murder was his companion

but he was born to loose

 

It don't take long

and himself was killed one night

but that's the way he wanted to go

never anythig else to do

 

But taking everything by force

never knowing any conscience

with hatred he's always been saying

 

I'm on my way

straight up to the top

and I see no reason

for me to stop

Yes, I'm on my way

straight up to the top

and if it's not today

it will be tomorrow, yes there's no doubt

 

 

Any comment will oblige

hydra99

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O.K.


I'm a little anxious
:o
because it's my first try ever to show my own work.


So please be patient, it's far, far away from perfect and just a first pre-preview. All has to be overworked ...

So hear it at your own risk ...


http://www.myspace.com/hydra99de

 

Nice mix - very smooth.....it helps to listen the music to get a full feel for the song. Nicely written. The pre-chorus really works well - it builds up nicely to the chorus. The heavy guitars in the chorus are great, they add punch and lift the chorus right up there... I like it. It reminds me a bit of the band Foreigner...

 

:):D:):D

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On my way


He wasn't born

but hatched from a meteor exploding

dreams into lightning rings

of sexy radiation


He was a school

so he'd never seen a school

for he had not a mirror

big enough to reflect his entrance


But taking everything by force

never knowing any conscience

with hatred he's always been saying

I have a huge metal dick


I'm on my way

straight up to the top

and I see no reason

for me to stop

Yes, I'm on my way

straight up to the top

and if it's not today

it will be tomorrow, yes there's no doubt

and it will be so, according to the prophecy

of the double insignia lighting ring

crest on my exploding chest

(as he plunges into the sky from the sea)

He went to MIT, in the beginning

he made hot flesh into illegal drugs

his favorite shape was a circle

and he did his sexing on the moon


It don't take long

and himself was killed one awesome night

but he lives on as a sexy goat

never anything else to do

he's always so busy working as a lawyer

But taking everything by force

never knowing any conscience

with hatred he's always been saying,

to mars with blood 4 ever!



hydra99

 

 

it's perfect

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There is something very familiar with this song from the get-go... It sounds like I've heard it before, even though I haven't. It's performed well, and sounds good (although I did get some background noise in the recording, but that could have been my crap speakers...)

 

It's pretty cliche ridden from the first verse - a lot of these ideas have been used over and over in pop and rock music....

 

The 'conscience' word seems superfluous, and I'd think something else there would work and sound better......

 

:)

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There is something very familiar with this song from the get-go... It sounds like I've heard it before, even though I haven't. It's performed well, and sounds good (although I did get some background noise in the recording, but that could have been my crap speakers...)


It's pretty cliche ridden from the first verse - a lot of these ideas have been used over and over in pop and rock music....


The 'conscience' word seems superfluous, and I'd think something else there would work and sound better......


:)

 

Thanks for your kind (and correct) comments. As I mentioned in the thread-opener it's 20 years ago, when I wrote this song. And, as you mentioned, even that time it was pretty cliche ridden :)

So my primary intention to record this song is to "conserve" it as an afterglow.

 

And there are some more songs from that days, just to prepare you for what's coming up in the near future :D

 

Finally, due to the fact that I'm german, any suggestions to replace the 'concience'? :o

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Hi,


I wrote these lyrics when I was 18 (now 38), so please don't make fun on me ...
:)
Due to the fact that I'm from Germany, my english is only school-english.

I want to take a song to myspace, but I will be embarrassed if the lyrics are in bad english. Someone out there who will take a look at this? (would anybody speek like this?)

snip



Any comment will oblige

hydra99

 

Some of the grammatical structure is a bit odd, and makes it sound like it was written by someone who's first language is not English.

 

Here are some examples:

 

"and dreams were ther only things

he had to hold on"

 

In English, we would say "had to hold on to" but I guess that might screw with the syllable count.

 

"I'm on my way

straight up to the top"

 

We don't usually use "up" in this saying. Just "straight to the top". If you wanted to keep the same number of syllables, you could say "straight on to the top"

 

"Burglary, the beginning

followed by the dirty deal with drugs"

 

Burglary is not a word commonly used for theft, except in police reports. "Thieving" might work. Also, using the definate article "the" for the dirty deal with drugs suggests a dirty deal the listeners are familiar with. It would sound more natural as "a dirty deal" - however, "dirty deal" is kind of an old fashioned way of speaking. Again, to keep the syllable count the same, you could say:

 

"Theiving, the begining

Followed by drugs and a deal gone bad"

 

"It don't take long

and himself was killed one night"

 

We wouldn't normally use the word "himself" like this. You could say"

 

"It don't take long

and he paid the price one night"

 

Because you follow with the line "but that's the way he wanted to go" it is clear that the "price" was that he was killed. My suggestion here might be a little clich

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