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"The Prize of Losing" Feedback appreciated


BondMan007

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This is kind of a true story. It's also something I thought of last night in my sleep, and a melody similar to Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box

 

I appreciate ALL feedback. I don't care what kind, opinions mean the most to me :)

 

Day After Day

Night After Night

Maybe Someday

I'll get it right

 

But until then

I receive the prize of losing

Feeling the wrath of this

Is very bruising

 

Feels like a bullet going through my skin

Knowing that I'll never win

As the blood drops down my face like rain

I continue to feel the pain.

I've been kicked to the curb.

Damnit, this is not what I deserve

 

But THIS is the prize of losing

I didn't know

Why didn't someone tell me so?

THIS is the prize of losing

Someday I will go

 

Feeling like a loser

As Usual

Wish I could get myself

Out of this hole

 

It's been days and nights since I felt like this

Knowing that my pain

Is here to stay

As more blood pours down my face like rain

 

(2X)

 

But THIS is the prize of losing

I didn't know

Why didn't someone tell me so?

THIS is the prize of losing

Maybe someday God will call me home.

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A couple of things:

 

Day After Day

Night After Night

Maybe Someday

I'll get it right

 

This bit feels like filler and doesnt really add anything to the song. I'd re-write it so it has more meaning if I were you.

 

As well, in the chorus, the bullet feels like the wrong metaphor to me for some reason. A bullet is too abrupt, while the pain you are describing is more... slow, perhaps. Maybe a knife?

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i think the words are too general ... they don't really convey any real moment

 

i don't know what you have lost, or how, or why it's important to you, or what you have lost before that makes you think you're a "habitual" loser (for lack of a better word)

 

what i would like from this song is a few short moments of your life that illustrate how you feel

 

it's the old sawhorse: don't tell me; show me

 

for example, instead of saying

 

"i am a loser"

 

say something like:

 

so you try to hold my hand

and i pull it away

before i think to make it right

you've already walked away

 

or something like that ...

 

anyway... the point is, show me, don't tell me

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This is kind of a true story. It's also something I thought of last night in my sleep, and a melody similar to Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box


I appreciate ALL feedback. I don't care what kind, opinions mean the most to me
:)

Day After Day

Night After Night

Maybe Someday

I'll get it right


But until then

I receive the prize of losing

Feeling the wrath of this

Is very bruising


Feels like a bullet going through my skin

Knowing that I'll never win

As the blood drops down my face like rain

I continue to feel the pain.

I've been kicked to the curb.

Damnit, this is not what I deserve


But THIS is the prize of losing

I didn't know

Why didn't someone tell me so?

THIS is the prize of losing

Someday I will go


Feeling like a loser

As Usual

Wish I could get myself

Out of this hole


It's been days and nights since I felt like this

Knowing that my pain

Is here to stay

As more blood pours down my face like rain


(2X)


But THIS is the prize of losing

I didn't know

Why didn't someone tell me so?

THIS is the prize of losing

Maybe someday God will call me home.

 

Well, it's depressing. That's sort of been my specialty.

 

"It's been days and nights since I felt like this

Knowing that my pain

Is here to stay

As more blood pours down my face like rain"

 

Nowhere does it say why you're bleeding. Could add to the song, to be

a wee bit more specific or graphic about it.

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But THIS is the prize of losing

I didn't know

Why didn't someone tell me so?

THIS is the prize of losing

Someday I will go

 

 

 

I am not good with lyrics, but this is good and the only thing that came to mind as a thought was the this needs to be more complete, this one line. Other than that it seems great. But I am not good with lyrics, so take it with a grain of salt.

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