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I thought you love me (Based on a True Story)


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Okay, here's a song I wrote that's based on a true story. Opinions please. The music is basically just E then C powercords during the verse and then e, d during the chorus.

 

Thanks...

 

I THOUGHT YOU LOVE ME

 

I'm just lying in my bedroom

Thinking about your lies

Punching holes in the wall

Dreaming about your eyes

 

See you by locker today at school

I stared at your eyes with my eyes

Trying to use my mind

To bestow your sweet demise

 

Chorus:

I thought you love me

But I know it's not true

What does it matter to me what you do?

With people I knew?

 

Then we're together again

And now we're broken up

I hate you you stupid bitch

You kept my favorite cup

 

I tried to pray to Jesus

But even he couldn't save me

If he could only know that deep down

I still want you baby (baby)

 

Chorus:

I thought you love me

But I know it's not true

What does it matter to me what you do?

With people I knew?

 

My karate sensei teaches me

To defeat the inner foe

But it's so damn impossible

When you act like such a hoe

 

Chorus:

I thought you love me

But I know it's not true

What does it matter to me what you do?

With people I knew?

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Well, first off, the first verse is pretty strong. Disturbing, to be sure, but I assume you're trying to be. But the parallel construction thinking / dreaming and holes in the wall / eyes is structurally powerful.

 

Unfortunately, nothing much else in the rest of the song rises to that level.

 

I sort of like the vitriol aimed at the other person tied to the missing cup. That's a potentially useful little detail. Everyone who's broken up after living with someone knows that feeling of dislocation from all the little things.

 

I think you might be able to do something with the Jesus angle... I like the fact that he's trying to get help for his pain/anger. That helps us sympathize with him a little.

 

And if part of why we write is to communicate emotions and personal sensibilities, it's worth noting that that pretty much requires being able to generate an empathetic response of some kind from the audience.

 

So we want to think that the guy speaking to us through the song has some kind of qualities or emotions we can sympathize or identify with.

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the second verse shatters it, because you go with the "eyes/ies" sound for the main rhyme again, you rhyme eyes, and you use the word bestow, which doesn't fit in with the rest of the song..

then theres these beauts:

 

Then we're together again

And now we're broken up

I hate you you stupid bitch

You kept my favorite cup

...

...

My karate sensei teaches me

To defeat the inner foe

But it's so damn impossible

When you act like such a hoe

 

 

these comes off as comedy more than seriousness

 

rethink and reshape the verses other than the first one and you'll be golden

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Altogether the lyrics are weak and disjointed; there isn't a single verse that relates to the chorus which seems to be the focal point. While it's obvious that there's hurt and anger behind the lyrics, the way they are written doesn't make me want to sympathize with the guy even though I (and just about everyone else) has been through something similar in our lives; we should be able to determine by the lyrics, without you telling us directly, that the girl is bitch and a ho.

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... we should be able to determine by the lyrics, without you telling us directly, that the girl is bitch and a ho.

 

Yes.

 

This is one of the things that makes a song entertaining and maybe even enlightening.

 

If I just tell you someone is a bad person, it's flat. You don't see it. You don't feel it. You may not even believe it. You may figure I'm just hurt or pissed off and talking off my own game.

 

But if, in a song, I "let" that character show you that he or she is a bad person with their actions and their words -- well, now you don't have to take it on face value from me and you have the vicarious experience of that person's badness.

 

(And here I mean "bad" as in "not good." Not "bad" as in, "That's sick, dude." :D )

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