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i need some help with an old song


willie the wimp

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hey folks,

i am going through all my cubase files to see if there are any usefull tidbits in there to write more songs with. i just recently really feel like i need to write and really need to get all my songs recorded the way i want instead of just me and my acoustic. so i have come back to this song that i wrote last october, at first i was incredibly proud of this song as it was indeed the first song that i was ever happy with after i finished writing. but after about a month i really started to doubt the lyrics and verses, i always felt the chorus was very strong. so i didn't really use it and then this summer i had all this time so i thought i'd try to re-write the verses. musically and lyrically. so after about 3 hours (non consecutivly) of trying to come up with a better progession for the verse i came ot the conclusion it only warks the way i have had it since the start. so i am now working on the lyrics and i'd rather use the old lyrics now because the few lines i've come up with now don't seem right. i will keep trying to get what i feel are the right words for this song but then again it's not like i don't like the current ones.

what do you guys do in this situation where it feels like the only place to go with a song is what you thought originally? does this mean i should just leave it?

here are the original lyrics for the song, please tell me what you think of them and if there are any parts i should work on. thanks alot everyone.

 

so you sent me another message

from your house 'top signal hill

by the time i could de-code it

the drink i had was spilt

 

and all the boys want you

bringing flowers, reciting poems

but i'm still aching for you

think they should all go home

 

i see you've got a new boyfriend

they say he loves you alot

even though you think that's true

i think he should be shot

 

chorus:yea your all i ever had

but baby it's gettin late and i'm goin to bed

yea you're all i ever need

send me some of your graceful sweet dreams

 

my friend the blind magician

says he's ran out of tricks

so he's goin back to his family

cause he can't see they're all hicks

 

i'm sitting in the candle light

thinkin 'bout months gone by

all i can picture is your face

against a slate grey sky

 

i like how things chag

and everyone grows

sadly you grew tired of me

had no mercy on my soul

chorus

 

i'm thinkin of one day goin

back th where we first kissed

your beauty made me so nervous

i'm glad i didn't miss

 

and as the police sirens were ringing

you laughed and said we should go

kids were smashing bottles

you were no further than a stones throw

 

thanks to bob dylan

his songs seemed so wise

so i spent hours listening to

don't think twice it's alright

chorus

 

i'm cryin at your doorstep

i don't want you to know

cause i've got a feelin

yuor tears they will not flow

 

what kind of man am i

to write you another song

if you want me to i'll stop

feel i've done nothin wrong

 

tonight the sky was full of coulor

painted blue yellow and red

seems so far away

yesterday still in my head

 

chorus

chorus

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Where to begin... The lyrics in this song have some really strong bits, however, my favorite parts of this song are ones that seem superfluous to the story:

 

so you sent me another message

from your house 'top signal hill

by the time i could de-code it

the drink i had was spilt

 

my friend the blind magician

says he's ran out of tricks

so he's goin back to his family

cause he can't see they're all hicks

 

These bits do nothing for the story you are trying to tell, and yet they are the most interesting parts of the lyrics. I would favour pulling them out and writing a different song around those parts, however, I would change the last line of each of those verses. The last line of a verse should be like a hammer that drives your point home. It should be the best line of the verse. Those lines are weak.

 

If you are having trouble coming up with alternate wordings that work, maybe you should think about changing the song structure to create some different options. Just because you wrote it one way, doesnt mean it has to stay that way. If you let yourself get married to a certain way of doing it, you may NEVER arrive at something you are happy with.

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hmm, i see what you're saying. i have not given up on rewriting at all, i am still trying. but i also want to know what people think of the current lyrics.

and just so you know the house on signal hill part is supposed to basically mean: you were talking to me, from your house (signal hill is a place in newfoundland where the first transaltlantic wireless comunication was recieved by alexander graham bell (someone correct me if i'm wrong)) so that means she is far away too kinda. and the de-code it part is saying her words are like code and she is trying to decive me. the last line does need changing though.

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