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Fear, Lies... My Pride Inside.


lilboybarry

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Here's something I just wrote a few minutes ago. It's based on some really hard times I have been through in the last year. Going through this hard time I blamed everyone else for my problems, but all along it was me... so that's what this is about. :)

 

:wave:(I know I haven't posted much here... so I haven't "earned" a review. But if you can spare a moment...)

 

 

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Verse 1

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In the beginning there was only lies.

They were small in number, harmless as flies.

The seeds were planted deep inside,

It then took root and produce fruit inside.

 

Deceit and arrogance I continually covered,

Kept from the light, never to be discovered.

In shadows of darkness appearing then gone.

Least it be scorched alive by rays of the sun.

 

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Chorus

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While soft feathers slowly fell around the ground that I dared not tread upon,

Running breathlessly on poisoned thorns I without fear calmly pursued on.

 

Lies believed, truth denied, the responsibility I should bear; all pushed aside,

Continually seeking unearned trust. Earning the prize, that thought had died.

 

 

 

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Verse 2

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My heart deranged, hardened, and worn,

As a slave I perused trust tirelessly on.

Denying the part that I had played,

Shunning the truth in blame I had made.

 

They pulled hard against death's grip,

 

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For a second song, that's pretty good. It's probably way to long, though.

 

There's a weird, arcane style to your writing, and I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not. This would not work in a rock/pop song--it's too snooty and stilted. For an early Pink Floyd type song, it could really work. The chorus is probably too convoluted, though. You'll generally want a simple chorus that bears repetition.

 

You can work the words pretty well, though.

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For a second song, that's pretty good. It's probably way to long, though.

I was thinking it was... but I may drag it out for an incredibly long, Tool like song. :eek: just kidding....:lol:

 

There's a weird, arcane style to your writing, and I'm not sure if it's on purpose or not.

non intentional, just how it came out.

 

This would not work in a rock/pop song--it's too snooty and stilted. For an early Pink Floyd type song, it could really work. The chorus is probably too convoluted, though. You'll generally want a simple chorus that bears repetition.

I might consider making the chorus just another verse, and then coming up with a simpler, easy to remember, chorus.

 

You can work the words pretty well, though.

thanks...

 

thanks so much for the input, that helped a lot!

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well you can do rock/rap. Linkin Park being my favorite of bands who've done that, aside from them totally selling out and their latest album being crap... Anyways, you can use rock instruments and rap over them, sing some parts, there's no limitations. Music is art, art is boundless. Do anything that comes to mind, so long as you think it works!

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well you can do rock/rap. Linkin Park being my favorite of bands who've done that, aside from them totally selling out and their latest album being crap... Anyways, you can use rock instruments and rap over them, sing some parts, there's no limitations. Music is art, art is boundless. Do anything that comes to mind, so long as you think it works!

Funny things is... i hate rap love LP. weird....

 

im what youd call an LP fanatic. member of LPU, check!

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