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Heres Another One - Critique Away....


DevilRaysFan

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Let 'er rip:

 

http://hc.bloodyvelvet.com/files/126/You%20Oughta%20Know.mp3

 

You Ought To Know

 

I leave my clothes on the floor

I never make up the bed

Sometimes I speak

Without using my head

So I Dont Always Say

How Much I Love You

But You Ought to Know

Like I Do

 

I'll Be Beside You and Never Lead You Astray

Just Take My Hand

Our Souls Are mated Forever and a Day

As One We Stand

 

Sometimes I wear a halo

To hide my set of horns

Sometimes I feel like velvet

caught in a grove of thorns

but I'll always confide that our love remains true

And You Ought To Know

Like I Do

 

And when our hair turns to silver

and our years turn to gold

and the warmth of our lives

Gives way to the cold

We'll be dancing with the angels

On the cloudtops in the blue

And You Ought To Know

Like I Do

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(Just read ther lyrics)

Yeah it's nice looks like some really catchy lyrics with a deffinate messege of soal mates and love. However I feel there's something missing in the lyrics almost as if your meaning too say something but not comming out with it or comming directly out with it (esspecially in the 2nd and 3rd verses). However prehaps it could work fine the way they are writen.

Apart from the (minor) flaw yeah nice :thu:

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I like what you're doing with the verses. Your chorus...

 

I'll Be Beside You and Never Lead You Astray

Just Take My Hand

Our Souls Are mated Forever and a Day

As One We Stand

 

...unforunatly has too many cliches strung together. So find ways to twist the cliches into something new. Then the song will take on the resonance you're shooting for.

 

I like it, I just think you need to adopt the rule, "Banish all cliches."

 

Lead You Astray

Just Take My Hand

Forever and a Day

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I've read through it again and those verses really are very good. It looks like the bit in italics is actually a bridge, no? Each verse ending in...

 

And You Ought To Know

Like I Do

 

It seems that you're working toward an AABA structure which would put that bridge after the 2nd verse. Try it and see.

 

Then, re-write the bridge twisting every cliche into something unique and new and different but saying the same thing you're saying. It's like the old adage, "Come up with a new way to say I love you and you've got something."

 

I especially like...

 

And when our hair turns to silver

and our years turn to gold

and the warmth of our lives

Gives way to the cold

We'll be dancing with the angels

On the cloudtops in the blue

And You Ought To Know

Like I Do

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I think these lyrics are mostly pretty strong.

 

But some of the phrasing and the way you're stringing out your syllables makes them sound a little sing-song-y... I was thinking the "like I do" line and its phrasing might grow on me but it didn't really... I feel sure you've probably rolled around, wrestling with all the other ways you could say the same thing so, you know... I'll just leave it at that.

 

With re the production (wait, this isn't the production forum, is it? Well, in for a penny) -- I think this would be a lot stronger with less reverb on the vocal. A lot of singers who might be insecure about their vocals think drowning them in verb will let them 'hide' or something, I think -- but I've found over the years that it seems to sort of do the opposite, it calls attention to any uncertainty. Plus it distances us listeners from the singer and I think we want to be close to this guy -- he's telling an intimate story and he seems like a likable guy.

 

And that brings us to the synth voice choices... this may be a sort of era thing but those big 80s synth voices also feel distancing. I think I'd like to hear this with maybe a nice acoustic piano and/or acoustic guitar back up. But, I'll admit, I'm pretty ambivalent about the sort of synths that were used in that era of pop. I felt they didn't work then and now they seem to scream that era.

 

I'll be the first to tell you that I had some great times in the 80s, got my start recording, did a lot of living -- even though I was leaning on a cane for five years of it -- but the big, mainstream post-disco pop music of the era, with only a few exceptions, gives me the willies. So, I guess you should consider that as a bias, perhaps, in weighing my comments.

 

 

Anyhow, back to the actual song, I like the words mostly a lot; I'm a little iffy on the way the melody rises and falls so regularly (back to the sing-songy thing); I like your vocal quality as a distinctive, human thing and don't think you should be afraid of it; and I recommend Rhodes, B-2, acoustic piano in terms of keyboard sounds -- and if you can throw in some guitars (or even convincing samples -- I've heard a few good ones -- but they are very rare) that's even the better.

 

Oh wait... sounds like I'm trying to remake you into me...

 

Heh.

 

Well... take it with a grain of sand and a handul of salt.

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I think these lyrics are mostly pretty strong.


But some of the phrasing and the way you're stringing out your syllables makes them sound a little sing-song-y... I was thinking the "like I do" line and its phrasing might grow on me but it didn't really... I feel sure you've probably rolled around, wrestling with all the other ways you could say the same thing so, you know... I'll just leave it at that.


With re the production (wait, this isn't the production forum, is it? Well, in for a penny) -- I think this would be a lot stronger with less reverb on the vocal. A lot of singers who might be insecure about their vocals think drowning them in verb will let them 'hide' or something, I think -- but I've found over the years that it seems to sort of do the opposite, it calls attention to any uncertainty. Plus it distances us listeners from the singer and I think we want to be close to this guy -- he's telling an intimate story and he seems like a likable guy.


And that brings us to the synth voice choices... this may be a sort of era thing but those big 80s synth voices also feel distancing. I think I'd like to hear this with maybe a nice acoustic piano and/or acoustic guitar back up. But, I'll admit, I'm pretty ambivalent about the sort of synths that were used in that era of pop. I felt they didn't work then and now they seem to scream that era.


I'll be the first to tell you that I had some great times in the 80s, got my start recording, did a
lot
of living -- even though I was leaning on a cane for five years of it -- but the big, mainstream post-disco pop music of the era, with only a few exceptions, gives me the willies. So, I guess you should consider that as a bias, perhaps, in weighing my comments.



Anyhow, back to the actual song, I like the words mostly a lot; I'm a little iffy on the way the melody rises and falls so regularly (back to the sing-songy thing); I like your vocal quality as a distinctive, human thing and don't think you should be afraid of it; and I recommend Rhodes, B-2, acoustic piano in terms of keyboard sounds -- and if you can throw in some guitars (or even convincing samples -- I've heard a few good ones -- but they are very rare) that's even the better.


Oh wait... sounds like I'm trying to remake you into me...


Heh.


Well... take it with a grain of sand and a handul of salt.

 

 

 

Hmmm, very interesting and very valid points....Im going to have to rethink the arrangements: When I came up with the arrangement, I was thinking 70s ELO or Moody Blues and , of course, I failed ( :D)...I dont like the el piano patch I used and I will probably change it to an acoustic piano and play it

out instead of stabbing out the chords....There is an acoustic guitar track on it but its pretty buried in the mix - I currently am electric-less which is why I did a bass solo ( :D) in the solo section....Im going to take your advice rethink this arrangement and go for more 'earthier' tones/timbres, like piano and Hammond: thats good advice you gave me there

 

As far as the melody-line: Yeah, I should break it up more - that was also good advice...I didnt realize it until you mentioned that it kind of rises and falls like a sine wave and doesnt really deviate into any excitement

 

Thanks for the OK on the lyrics, but Im gonna rewrite the chorus, as per Lee Knight's suggestion, to try to get the cliches out

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