Jump to content

new lyrics, some crits would be great


willie the wimp

Recommended Posts

  • Members

hey guys, this is a new one i'm working on. it's not at all in it's final stages but i have a set of lyrics written for it. i'd just like to know what you guys think of how it's coming so far and any halp is greaty apriciated. just s you know, this is written from the perspective of a girl, and a few lines may be a little blunt but i haven't been able to think of enough metaphores yet. anyway here it is

 

The Ballad of a Best Friend's Love

 

we hid quiet in the backroom

where the painter was durin the day

your mom was upstairs watching tv

i was watching you legs

 

just like the first time this summer

but the november moon gave in

we were tangled like trees in the forest

and were eased along by the gin

 

chorus:

no you and me darlin

we're not that young anymore

tonight your starvin

and tonight i'm yours

 

we just wanted a moment

our friends in the room beside

they could see your toes curle

i could hear your hand in mine

 

and what i need with this

is your wistful lips

holding my shoulders together

quivering my hips

 

 

 

chorus

 

 

and lying on the floor

with the tv on

thats when i love you

thats when you turn me on

 

when i've had a cold day

i wait on your call

i open up my door

and together we fall

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Some of it's kinda a stretch to the imagination. This part in particular:

 

we just wanted a moment

our friends in the room beside

they could see your toes curle

i could hear your hand in mine

 

and what i need with this

is your wishful lips

holding my shoulders together

quivering my hips

 

How do you HEAR a hand curl in yours? Wouldn't you feel that? If you're hearing something, it's probably her pulse, the blood rushing through the veins in her hand, and to hear that, it would need to be very quiet, and you've got the TV on.

 

How do her lips hold your shoulders together? That's just too much of a stretch without more info. Did you maybe mean to say "wistful lips"?

Wistful - wist

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

ok, i see how you've interpreted it. each verse kind of takes place at a different time and are mostly unrelated to each other. the line "hear your hand in mine is kinda like what the narrator is hearing when their hands touch. like maybe a chior of angels or something less lame. and with the wishful lips i'm gonna change it to wistful as that's what i wanted to say but couldn't get the right word. as for the shoulders together line it's more of like how the kiss keeps the narrator from being shartterd, it keeps her together.

 

and just keep in mind this is actually from a girl's perspective.

is it clear what the lyrics are about though?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hard to tell without the music. When you say "each verse kind of takes place at a different time and are mostly unrelated to each other" I'm thinking "Tangled Up In Blue" but I don't think that comparison really works.

 

Honestly, if I had to guess, I would say that the song is about cannibalism - that the girl is long dead and the boy periodically comes by and eats/molests her decaying corpse (with her tacit consent).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

ok, i'm a little dense tonight. is that a joke?

the line is supposed to mean that by doing this act they are unofficially leaving behind their childhood innocence and they are moving onto a different life that they cannot go back on. and by the starvin line it means basically that she wants it.

what do you think of the lyric as a whole though?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I absolutely dug it. I love the way you change time period. I love everything I'm hearing others say they didn't like. I love it. Starving is the perfect description of what you're talking about. She digs you too no? Nice. And even after all these years? Nice indeed.

 

My only comment, and it might be cool in the context of the music, is turn me on

 

and lying on the floor

with the tv on

thats when i love you

thats when you turn me on

 

I love the tv on. It's real. On the floor. Cool. But then you use a same rhyme with "on" and "on" and for... turn me on?

 

So the young love and "first time" portion is absolutely beautiful. Innocent yet real in its exploration of sex and love. The middle period more risqu

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I should clarify. I mention "turn me on" because up to that point you've steered clear of cliches. You've come close to the spirit of your avatar's truth, candor, and turning the phrases upside down all in an attempt to get closer to... "it". All without mimicking Zim. Nicely done.

 

So "turn me on" is a cop out compared to the high standards you've set prior.

 

But to just come up with a different rhyme to replace "turn me on" doesn't really do it either. In my opinion, you need to have the 2 last sections tie into a whole. Perhaps show some doubt and ripple of concern in the first four lines of that section on the floor by the tv, then it's dispelled through your true love in the next and celebrated in the chorus. Know what I mean? All without losing direction or focus.

 

Easy. Gulp.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It's not clear that it's from a female perspective. Generally, speaking as a girl, we don't focus on a guys legs (unless it's the inside of the upper thigh), and it seems a bit gay that the GUY'S toes are curling under, that's more of a feminine thing. It is clear it's about having sex, though not clear that it's between two virgins (When you say "just like the first time this summer" it implies this is the SECOND time this has happened). All that being said, I think it's got great potential with a few minor changes. I would consider changing the line "holding my shoulders together" with "Holding me together", as it's more direct yet less specific, and leaves the interpretation to the listener, which is always good, as that way others can read their own personal meaning into the song, which is what pulls people in. (unless of course, you're writing it for someone specific, in which case who cares about who else is pulled in or not)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

yes, well. that you very much lee for your praise and very direct tips. as for the female perspective on this, i think i'm ditching that. see this may seem very personal but the song is actually about one of my best friends and what her and her boyfriend have been up to. the line about "our friends in the room beside" actually refers to me and my girlfriend peeking around the corner and across the main room and seeing their feet squirm and curle. i got home and thought "hey thats a topic i've never touched before" and began to write this song. i thought of it being from the female perspective just because i was talking to my friend about this and i don't know her boyfriend well. but now that i read through it, it definentaly makes more sense from a male perspective. thanks all for the crits. and sadly this isn't 1967 when the beatles first used turn me on in a day in the life, it was so risque and such a bold statement at the time. now it's said in tv ads. but what can you do? the times they're a-changin :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Well.... you see you inspired me to put myself in those shoes. So the "after all these years" was ME. I'm 48 and that's the way I read it. But it still speaks to some time down the road. A month... a year... 10. I feel the passed time.

 

 

well i'm very pleased it speaks to yuo as thats what i always try to accomplish when writing a song. because personaly if a song doesn't make me feel something i don't listen to it which is why even though i enjoy to play songs like "rock and roll" or "crossroads" with my band i would never actually listen to them. thanks alot for the crits everyone especially lee, great to get some real in depth advice from someone as experienced as you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...