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Bar Scene (A Reprise)


shnoogumz

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Well first of all am thinking country lyrics with this one (which are not my speciality)

Anyway I like the start of your song and first verse It feel it belongs where it is.

On your 2nd verse am not too keen on all the lines ending with a simple rhyming (in my opinion it cheapens the lyrics) word. You could try splitting the lines up and make more (less obvious) rhymes throughout. I (IMO) tend to think that the lyrics end up better this way( not as claustrophobic and more complex).

I don't get where you are headed with your 3rd verse. It doesn't seem to fit the mood or course of the lyrics (maybe you could explain more about this verse) I would totally change the 3rd verse to something which fits more (I like the short then long verse scheme you have going however).

The 4th verse sounds like the start of one verse and finish of a completely different verse. The lyrics lose me after the 3rd line for it to be the same verse nice lyrics but (IMO) don't gel too well together (perhaps you could make this 2 different verses).

The 5th verse is nice and nicely laid out but again it don't fit the lyrics but you (IMO) can take or leave this verse where it is. I think it would depends how the song would sound when finished and whether that verse would belong when finished.

:thu:

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The simple rhymes do really cheapen the song--it's not interesting to listen to something when you already know what is coming. It's generally really hard to evaluate a lyric without hearing it attached to a melody. There are some phrases that could sound good attached to a great melody, and really stupid with a lesser melody.

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